Open Letter

Dear Little Moon

2011-03-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow you will celebrate your fifth birthday. I won't say that it doesn't seem possible because it does. In fact, you sometimes act wise beyond the five years and your wondering questions send a shock through me. Already, you are curious about death, God, love and old age. I don't know how you are handling it, but I am exhausted now just recalling our conversations. I stumble over what to say to you because so much of those things are still a wonder to me. I want to give you solid answers, but I find I am incapable of lying to you. There are a lot of "I don't know"s tossed out there by me and I have to hope it will be enough until I can come up with a way to explain such things. Will that day come?

Speaking of world peace and such, your favorite cartoon is Pink Panther. Yesterday you told me that you wish he could come live with us so that you could teach him some manners and so he wouldn't bother "the white guy" in the show. I love that you have no idea how that sentence sounds. At this point in your life you have no idea what racism or sexism or homophobia is. You picked a Barbie with your Ma Lynn at the store and later pointed out to her that the Barbie was black. Just something you noticed at the later moment during play. This Barbie has on a pink shirt and she's black. You have also mentioned that two of your dolls are in love with each other, that you don't understand slavery (even after I explained it to you) and that daddies really should be allowed to stay at home like mommies. Now if I could just put you in a bubble and keep you this way forever, I could sleep at night.

You truly are a beautiful girl, into much of the typical little girl things like the color pink, princesses and fairies. You are into all the things I was not, which has got to be some sort of karma bouncing back. There are many days that I wish my sister were here so she could squeal in delight with you at the Disney Store. I wish she was telling you that her bedroom was pink and that she loved her Baby Alive Doll. You two would be quite the pair. But until we move closer to my family, I am able to avoid that inevitable awkward conversation when you learn that I used my Barbie Townhouse as shelving for my books.

That's not to say that we don't have the strongest of bonds. In your insecure times, I get you. You say a sentence of angst and I understand it in the core of my chest. You don't like being away from me or your dad at all. Not even for school. I was that kid too. Would rather have stayed at home with my mom any day rather than go to school. Even when I had friends Even if school was fun. However... you have to go. One day you will see that as a simple truth and you will be glad your dad and I make you go.

You are a shy one. Many tears are shed over large family gatherings and school performances. You might never be the first girl to run onto a stage but you will be the girl who appreciates the applause, loves the show and comes back for more. It takes you a while to warm up to anything that involves you being the center of attention. As a self proclaimed backstage worker, I get that too but sometimes it's hard because, as your mom, I am so proud of you, think you are so talented that it's hard for me to not want you right there in front where everyone can experience the marvel that is you.

Speaking of those talents, you are a great singer. You learn the words, you hit the notes and you truly enjoy singing. You also have an uncanny ability to mimic accents and remember movie lines as well as any movie buff I know. I try not to cry like a fool when you sing a song from my youth because you learned it from Shrek. But when you dance around the room to London Calling, I think your father and I both feel like we have done something so very right that tears are appropriate.

Your sense of style is whimsical. You love a glitter here, a ruffle there. Matching colors are irrelevant and comfort is key. I like that about you. I like that you see clothes as fun and have no desire to copy anyone else. I hear that changes, but for now, I enjoy it.

In the last couple of months you have come into your role as sister to your little brother. I nearly had a stroke when I heard you say that he was your best friend. I clearly remember the not so distant past when you told me you didn't like being a big sister because it was too hard. Being the youngest in my family, I felt the need to explain the trials of being the younger sibling, which I think you took to mean "Mommy loves your brother better". Because it was not that long ago that you also asked me why I find him so adorable and not you anymore. That question nearly broke my heart and I wanted to call my mother for the 1000th time and apologize for my teen years. But if I fail you in other ways during this parenting gig, know that it is only because I was so intent on getting that part right. He is your friend. Ignore anyone else who says siblings can't be best friends. You can and you are. It will be the greatest thing in your life to have that true friend. Will he piss you off more than anyone else? Yes. Will he still be there when no one else is? Yes. But he adores you, that little guy. I see him trying out your words, your tricks. His cars talk to your princesses because he just wants to be near you. You sing and he smiles, you make a face and he laughs. Through all your future fights I will remind of these days when he tells you that you are so pretty and funny and he hugs you because he knows you love him.

Your dad got me a Wii for Christmas. This is funny in itself - the notion that a gaming console is "mine". As if I would be the one using it the most. As with any other game I have played with you, your competitive nature rises up quickly during our bowling and sword fighting. Because of this, our biggest battle has been between your Win Or Flail and Cry attitude and my determination that you will not be a Quitter. It's all I can do to stop myself from quoting Martin Luther King Jr or Henry Ford or ... your grandfather - anything that will drive into your head that failing while trying is totally cool but giving up without giving it your all is... well, a path that leads to living in someone's basement well into your 30's.

Life has been good for you these five years, It's so good that your dad and I often wish were were you. And just when I think you don't get it, you tell me you NEVER want to grow up because you will have to grow old and stop playing like you do now. Today you even cried about it and told me that you want to be five years old, but you want to keep me always with you. I wish I had recorded that because when you start having to change my diapers one day, you might re-think that. But today I reveled in it. I I love life through your eyes. And I love you more today than yesterday.

Dear Fiona

2009-12-22T09:00:00.001-08:00

I know you cheated on me. And that you still are, probably. I gave up my entire life for you. My friends, my family, my house and my job. I was celibate for two years for you, spent thousands of pounds to travel thousands of miles to be with you. And this is how you repay me. With dishonesty, with lies and deceit. I would have loved you more than life itself. All you've ever done is mess me around and break my heart. I KNOW what you did, I KNOW what you're up to, and I will NEVER EVER forgive you.
I wish we'd never met.

Dear Tiger Woods

2009-12-12T04:39:00.000-08:00

That's gonna leave a mark.

- A Concerned Fan

Dear Boy I thought would change for her

2009-04-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

It’s been about a year since we stopped dating because you fucked me around so much. A year since I found out you would cheat on me with anyone you could. A year since I realised I could demand better from boys. And since then I’ve found someone that is beautiful to me – who loves me more than anything in the world. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But I know that you’re cheating on your new Girlfriend. I know because I read your emails. I know your dirty secret. I know that she doesn’t know. Just like I didn’t know. And even though I hated her so much when you first started dating because I wasn’t over you – I now know that that girl is in my position. We are the same person.

I’m going to rat you out. I’m going to tell her what scum you are and how she needs to break free from your cheating ass. She is going to know everything – and I’m determined that this time you won’t get away with it. You can’t be faithful – you will never change.

Isn’t revenge sweet?

The fellow I wrote off

2009-04-03T11:58:00.001-07:00

Thank you. You were there with me through it all, every last bit of it. I never thought someone like you was possible, not in a million years. Then we didn't talk, and I met someone. I met the same asshole I always go for to suit my masochistic streak. I met the fellow I KNEW my mother would hate, and adored him for that reason. Every declaration of him "not being good enough," was only further proof in my eyes, that in fact...he was. Then you came back seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't know you had been in an accident, I would have been there for you.
After you came back, when you said you loved me....I was floored. What am I supposed to say to that? I know what I did say though, and I'm sorry. I turned you down, for a fellow I knew would never try a fraction as hard as you did. You tried to help me with that, and that is the most noble thing I could imagine. Then he just, refused to talk to me...and you were there. Not that there were many pieces to pick up, but you did it. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind fall in love with me in the first place? I'm old fashioned, and I refuse to express nearly all emotion. There's no reason for you to even LIKE me. I was fortunate to find out that apparently I cannot be bought. I know you tried that too, but I'm happy I said no. That means that now...I know that I like you, not the money. I could get used to you actually putting in effort. I may even grow accustomed to a bit of attention here and there. I almost wish I could tell you this, almost, but I'll save it for another day.

Your future...something, maybe.

PS...I still think you're liking me is certifiably insane, but what's the worst that can happen giving someone who does care about me a chance?

To All Those People Who Hurt Me In High School

2009-04-03T11:55:00.001-07:00

You always hurt my feelings and put me down. Call me names and say there will be no guy who wanted to go out with me. Well guess what you were wrong about me being ugly and no guy who wanted me. I do have a guy who wants me. Who loves me and adores me. Loves everything about me and I am moving in with him in a month. The words and things you done to me will tear me to pieces forever but I will move on by good things happen to me. Thanks for making me stronger against being hurt.

- Me

Dear Life

2008-12-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

I really wish you were more like books and movies.
You seem way more exciting there.
Then again maybe if I didn't spend so much time
reading books and watching movies, I wouldn't feel this way.
Hmmm....
- Me

Dear America

2008-11-09T17:44:00.001-08:00

Nov. 9, 2008

Watching the news and surfing my usual intarnet stomping grounds it strikes me everyone is at something of at a loss for words. The most massive and expensive political campaign in history, like a T. rex rampaging through a dilapidated trailer park, has finally passed, and like dazed and battered survivors climbing out from under the rubble, standing in the rain unable to think of anything but the awesome and terrifying spectacle they've endured, we are unsure just what we're supposed to be doing.

Both domestically and abroad, this election has garnered unprecedented levels of attention, but the depths of bitterness and intellectual dishonesty reached over the past eighteen months should be seen as just the capstone on a legacy of partisanship and infighting which has been sullying our national discourse since at least the time of Ronald Reagan. Over the past four presidents the debate in our country has reached a breaking point. How many times in the past eight years, conservatives, did you find yourself defending one of President Bush's policies you didn't entirely agree with, simply to balance out the overwhelming negativity poured on him, his party - and by extension yourself - by shrill, uninformed Democrats and our hyperreactionary media? Liberals, I'm sure I'm not the only one who, when faced with the argument well that was something Clinton left behind, found myself red in the face supporting a president I barely recall who was probably more flash than substance. Sound familiar?

If we are to make any progress as a nation - and by "make any progress" I mean prop up the economy, fix the housing debacle, extricate American soldiers from multiple global conflicts in a way which creates the least lasting damage, overhaul our educational system, achieve energy independence and sustainability, lower crime, amend tort law, figure out a way to make sure American kids have food and a way to get to the doctor, prevent the spread of intolerance and dangerous materials worldwide, cement America's position as a world leader in both morals and the market, and find out just what the hell Ann Coulter's issue is and help her get over it - we need, quite frankly, to stop acting like petulant children. There is a reason Americans are regarded in other countries as fat, impolite complainers, and it's not just because we let them see our reality television shows.

We need to cut a deal with each other if we're going to do this. Liberals, join with me in saying we won't poke fun at Sarah Palin* anymore. We'll cut out this "Bush is stupid", "Cheney is evil" nonsense and stick to important issues. We'll stop overreacting to harmless minutiae with media storms which do nothing to further our causes but everything to make us look like cowardly, elitist, aggessively anti-religion Marxists. That's the tit. Conservatives, we're looking for a little tat. Recall that questioning our President isn't anti-American. Consider that exposing people to information is the best way to ensure they make the right choice. And please start fact-checking your pundits; ours are bad and we'll try to fix that, too, but FOX News is beyond the pale. If we can all vow to keep at least this little bargain in place, we'll have laid a true foundation for bridging the gap that divides us. Cooperation on our big issues should be a piece of cake if we can all swallow a bit of our pride.

Regardless of who you supported in this election, we can all agree that the level of energy displayed by Americans during the campaign is a positive force of which we have not seen enough in recent memory. Don't let the national discussion stagnate just because your ears are still ringing from the receding crash and roar of the election. If you're happy your candidate won, don't just gloat on your blog. Do a google for "(your state) volunteer" and pick an issue you think is important. If you're depressed after last week's returns, don't bail on the process. Real political progress always happens locally, and your country still needs all the help you can spare.

Last Tuesday, I saw a change I can believe in. My countrymen got involved. Don't let the news vaccuum steal that momentum.

Sincerely,

-Cicero's Assassin
www.xanga.com/ciceros_assassin

*Honestly, folks, let's lay off her already. The people of Alaska think she's doing fine as their Governor, and unless you live there you have nothing to complain about. Also, for God's sake look up the Peter Principle.

dboi

2008-09-17T15:09:00.001-07:00

I'm sick and tired of trying to be your girl. I've just been wasting my time. Everytime I feel like I'm getting close to do something that sets me right back to the beginning again.

I guess I should have tried harder in the beginning but I can't go back now. I'm not gonna fight for someone who's not making an attempt. I can't believe I really thought I was in love with you.

How can anyone love you; all you do is cheat. You're a fxcking cheater.
YEAH BxTCH HE'S FxCKING ME; OH YOU AINT KNOW..?
WELL NOW YOU DO.

But you aint gotta trip cause since I found out he wanna lick ya cat I aint fxcking with him ANYMORE.

UGH! I aint never fell so hard for someone; shoulda never fell for you. Last summer messed me up though. Gosh I knew you was moving but I still let myself get close, if I never did that I would be fine presently. I'm such an idiot.

I don't hate you; but I really don't like you right now.
Maybe after high school ends I'll be able to get over you.

..and the sad thing is; I say I wont fxck with you anymore but we both know that's a lie. I will never leave you alone..I can't. You will be mine, I know this. We was meant to be..you was meant to be with me, not her and you know this.

Love,
Your "Mistress"

Dear boy that broke my heart

2008-08-31T05:59:00.000-07:00

You are my one weakness. Others can do or say the same things to me, but it?s your voice and your charm that I can?t escape. Just hearing you say my name can lift me up. I hate that you can do this. I hate that I become mush around you. I protected myself for months from you?re trap, avoiding your glances and attempts to kiss me, but I let my guard down on a drunken night and I finally fell. I fell hard. I knew before that you were the type I should stay away from. You were the bad boy. The one who never gave his heart away, that never showed he cared. I knew if you kissed me once, I?d be done for. Unable to break free. Now here I am, stuck.

It is as if you are perfection in my eyes. I know in my head you?re not. I can list the things I shouldn?t like, the things that make you all wrong. You are a liar, a cheat, a con. You had a girlfriend. That poor girl. I've met her. I try to be nice but it makes me sick to know that you were once mine. If even in a moment, I was your escape from some sweet innocent girl. If it were my choice, my fictional story, I would paint her as some whore, some undeserving slut of a nobel prince, but when I see her, when I talk to her, It becomes the opposite. I am the liar, I am the whore, I cheat and steal from her, from the honest girl who deserves better than you. Than the stupid shit I am chasing after. There is not one thing that I can say makes us right for each other, but that can?t stop the way I feel. My heart is broken, but I can?t even place blame with you because it was never intentional. You never asked me to love you. But you did tell me that you never wanted to be with someone before they got to be with someone who loved them, and here i am. Because you were never mine. You hurt me without even knowing I cared.
Seeing you makes my heart jump and race, but once I realize it was just a fling, a nothing, a non-something between us, it shatters again. I am happy but depressed, I am excited but miserable. You?re presence makes me crazy. I become someone I never wanted to be. I become that girl begging for you to see me in a new light, for you to care that I am there just as much as I care that you are. I hate that girl. With other guys, I can just snap myself out of it, catch myself in what I am doing and become me again, the confident girl with a shielded heart, but I can?t stop it when I am with you. I actually kissed your friend tonight, with you total view. God, this makes me desperate. This makes me needy and sick. I can scream at myself over and over again ? what are you doing, you look pathetic, he loves someone else, you are just friends, don?t you dare let him kiss you ? but these internal warnings mean nothing. It?s like an addiction. I am so good sometimes, I forget you at moments, until someone says something or brings up your name and I am back, craving you. Like some hysterical blindness, I think, maybe if I do this, you will see ? maybe if I act this way, you will care. I look at other girls and think, how sad, but I know how it feels, I know what it is like to be them. You make me them.
I am hysterically blind for you.

- Me

Dear Thomas

2008-08-25T06:26:00.001-07:00

Hey kid. I haven't seen you much this summer, but I've talked to you quite a lot. You probably think I'm a tease, but really I just find you intimidating. It's unintentional, you just scare the shit out of me. You have your sketchy friends, who do the same stuff that my friends and I do, but are so much more shady and weird about it all. You're way too into smoking. I mean, whatever, I don't really care if you're a pothead though, I'm getting off topic.

This is kind of a letter to myself. I'm kind of afraid I'll spend this year chasing after you. Going through this weird cycle: 1.) think you're cute 2.) NOT chase after you 3.) you get interested in me, text me a bunch 4.) I'm too hesitant and scared of who you are 5.) you get disinterested and bored 6.) I chase after you, and finally convince myself to stop. Go back to 1 after a bit of time, but it's your turn to make the next move. You always seem to, thank goodness.

That's been my summer in a nutshell. Well, romantically. Only one person really knows about it, but I won't drop her name in this letter. So anyway, this is a little letter to myself, because I know you won't see it. This is a little reminder, a ribbon tied around my finger, an email in my sent items. I either want to dive in head first and figure you out, or move on. No more of this in between-ness from me. I hate when I see you and feel awkward in person and don't know what to do. I don't want that anymore. Okay? I will get this under control. If there's one thing I know about, it's control. I'm good at that.

This year I really want my relationship with you to find some sort of balance. I don't want you as a boyfriend. I just don't want you as my nothing either.

I'll see you in four days. We have at least two classes together this year. You don't know that, but I figured it out, because the limited amount of ways our honors/AP classes fit together. Have a nice rest of the summer!

Sincerely,
Me.

Dear Nancy

2008-07-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

If I would have written this a month or even two ago I would have been begging for your friendship back, back to what it used to be. But now I know that your weren't the good friend I thought you were.

You were part of the reason for my depression freshman year; I stuck up for YOU so that you wouldn't get into fights and have people hate you..I had people no I have EVERYONE hate me looking after you. And I did that because I thought that was what a good friend did, when it's really what a stupid friend does. I stuck by you when you dissed me for your boy toys or new friends. I apologized even when it was never my fault for things. GOSH I really was a stupid friend.

Do you know that I used to cry when I looked at pictures of us? Ha, I'm tearing up right now..sad huh. You were supposed to be my best friend but you always ditched me for someone else. I wish I could say I hate you but I don't, I trust you with most of my life..I shouldn't but I do.

Thinking about your friends now, I see why ya'll are so close. You and B are just alike, ditch someone for your boyfriend. You and N ya'll were friends before you even knew me so I can't even be mad. I guess the only one that gets to me is B..she was at one point in time my best friend but then she got crazy and just dropped me and I guess she decided she liked you so she'd be your best friend and you fell for it. All I can say is good luck and I hope she doesn't drop you like she did me. Ya'll are so close now I can't even tell you things because you'll probably tell her then everyone would know.

GOSh, I hope your happy.

Cause I sure as hell aint.

I miss our friendship and I thought I was over that, but I guess not.

Dearest Logan

2008-07-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

I have loved you far too long, and far too hard. I remember everything...every last detail. Starting with me asking your stance on crack whores in society, to that last good bye. From you saying you loved me and my running after, to you saying anyone who would possibly consider marriage before 30 was nuts. I loved you, but I'll be damned if I wait 10 years for anyone. That wonderful first year, where I only wanted the chance to crawl in your bed, to the last where I was so glad you hadn't laid a hand on me. I cannot explain why I still think of you, but I do, though I am moving on. I shan't remain that bitchy cynic you love, and I shall be the blissfully happy person someone else loves. While nobody forgets first love, I'm going to try. You knew I wanted to be so perfectly ruined by one man, that all others would seem useless, and I thought you had done that. You haven't...and I am most grateful for that. I'm not going to say I don't miss you, there's days I do, but most you seldom cross my mind. Sometimes I get a smell, and I think it's you, but I know better. Once in awhile I see those sparkling green eyes, but most often I miss the talks. We could talk better than anyone else, and about anything. I suppose I just want to say that I will always love you, but shall never be IN love with you again.

Love,
That girl in those wacky clothes you once loved.

Howard

2008-05-28T17:20:00.001-07:00

The last time I saw you, I was fourteen years old. I walked out those double doors while you held one and Cliff held the other. At the time, you still controlled the things I did, said, felt and thought. I lived your language, where sexual abuse was a mutual pleasure, an induction into the world of adulthood. You ran my life, even when I spent months away from you. You took so much from me; my trust, chances for friendships that I never acted on because no one could know about you, the last years of my father's life were spent with me lying to him and distancing myself from him because you made me fear him. You took from me so many firsts; my first kiss, my first make out sessions, my first time giving oral sex, my first experiences with sexual pleasure from another human being. Those things were not yours to take. They belonged to no one but me and it should have been my choice who I shared them with, but your threats and coercion gave me no choice. The night that you forced me to give you oral sex was rape. The times that you forced your fingers into my vagina and hurt me so badly I bled afterwards were rape. Not pleasure, not sharing, not love or any of the things you said they were. You didn't teach me to be a good lover or a healthy adult, you taught me that sex was pain. That love was pain and that the people who claimed to care about me had the right to abuse me.

It has taken me most of the last four years to heal to the point where I can write this and place the blame where it belongs-on you. I've blamed myself for far too long and the pain of that nearly broke me more times than I can count. I did things that I'm not proud of, but that I forgive myself for because they were the only things I knew how to do at the time. I felt responsible for you molesting me, I needed attention and love so badly that even what you gave out to keep me coming back was better than nothing. I needed someone to care. I needed an adult to stand in for my parents and treat me as someone who mattered, who wasn't unlovable. You could have been that person. You could have made my life easier, taught me to respect myself and been the person who proved to me that the world was a kinder place than I believed it to be. Instead, you saw that need and took advantage of me.

At the time, I felt that I'd made a choice. I didn't. You did. You saw a vulnerable child and used her to gain sexual satisfaction that should have been found with other adults. You are not a man with needs as you put it, you are a pitiful excuse for an human being who chose to act on feelings that you knew were wrong. It's taken me a very long time to be able to say that, but I will not live my life the way so many others have. I will not waste my energy trying to find ways to make this my fault and nothing anyone can say will make me believe that again.

I am the kind of person you should have been. I am brave and gentle, I stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves and I call people on their lies. I love deeply and am deeply loved by a woman who will never harm me. I have friends who love and accept me for who I am. I will have children who will never know the pain I did and I will never become an abuser.

I will tell people about what you did without being ashamed because that shame is not mine. I will speak publically so that others can do so without fear. I will not allow people like you to continue destroying lives nor will I allow parents, teachers and the police to pretend that it isn't happening.

Many times people have said or implied that you made me strong by abusing me. You didn't. I did. I chose people to love me and help me become this person. I built myself back up with their endless help, love, patience, kindness and support.

My name is Raven and I was sexually abused. It was not an accident or a misunderstanding and you, my abuser, knew this. With this letter, I free myself from you. You are nothing and my future will be free of you and people like you.

Dear GE

2008-05-15T09:27:00.001-07:00

We have been together over 2 years. I can't belive how fast it's gone by! Ever since the moment we first met, I knew there was something special about you. Something magical that i couldn't wait to discover.

You have an effect over me that noone else has ever brought out. i feel more secure in myself and happier ever since you came into my life.

Yet, despite all the happy times, all the times we have been intimate, all the chances i've had and passed up, i have yet to tell you that i love you. i've come close, and there are times when it is on the tip of my tounge, but i have an intense fear of telling you for fear of losing you and what we have.

You have done so much for me. you have been there when i needed you. you understand my odd humor. you listen and don't judge. you mean so much to me, and yet, i can't muster up the courage to tell you how i truly feel about you. i've done all that i can to show you, but i know it's not enough.

i hope one day i'm brave enough. i hope it doesn't weird things out or drive you away. i would be lost without you.

sub

Dear W

2008-04-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep with you because I thought it was my only chance. I wasn't taking advantage of a one time opportunity. I didn't think that you were going to hate me in the morning. I didn't know a fuck was all you wanted. I wasn't pretending you were mine, purposefully deluding myself for one night with you.

I loved you. I loved you that night, the nights before, and painfully the nights after. I watched you from afar, but it was pretty obvious where I stood. While I knew you weren't in love with me, I thought you were giving me a chance. I thought things were going to change. I truly thought that you could (and were going to try to) love me too.

But I was wrong on so many levels. I've never regretted loving anybody before, and it's not because the love wasn't returned; it's because you treated me so badly for it.

Always,
A

Dear Daryl

2008-04-18T18:14:00.001-07:00

You're a drug, an addiction that I've never been able to shake. I crave you, need you, but you're no good for me. I'd sacrifice everything, drop anything, just to taste you, feel you. You're my elixir, my euphoria, my thrill, my high. But after the high comes the crash, and I always feel broken coming down. And yet I never learn. I've shaken the habit, but the memories haunt me. I remember the emotions..the rush. It's what kept me going back again and again. I learned to live without you, but I still crave you every once in awhile. Lately, that temptation has been overwhelming. Maybe it's the stress or the changes in my life. Maybe I need an escape. I feel reckless with you, reckless but free. I miss that. I'm at the point where I don't care about the consequences, I'm just desperate for the familiar rush, even if it's wrong. Even if it destroys me. I've come so close to giving in once, but I was proud I didn't. I can't relapse, not after all the progress that I've made. So many people have helped me along the way, step by step. They're proud of what I've accomplished, how far I've come. To give in would disappoint the people who believed in me the most. I would feel so guilty. I'm terrified to take that step back, cause I know it's a spiraling downfall. You seduce me and I falter. Everyone thinks I'm clean, but inside, I've never stopped craving for you. What bothers me the most is that I'd be willing to risk it all for a taste of excitement. I'm ashamed and terrified. Selfish.

Two years. We've both moved on. And yet, you're a habit I can't seem to kick, can't seem to forget. But you've all but forgotten me. Come back to me.

I need you. I want you. I want you to need me too.

I still love you.

Forever yours,
Squishy

Dear YH

2008-04-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not

I'm still so fucking crazy over You.

It's been 4 months.

Since the day you decided to leave.

The only reason I didn't ask you to stay;

Was because I loved You too much;

I didn't want to get You into anymore trouble.

I didn't want to make things difficult for You anymore.

You were there for me; that fateful April night.

And I'll never forget that.

I Love You.

You-Know-Who

Damn you

2008-04-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

For almost five years now you've made me feel special. You gave me that extra bit of pride every week. Knowing that I was special. Considering myself among the elite of society as I moved past my friends and family with speed and grace.

I never quite understood why I loved you. It made no sense. But I felt obliged. Like I was following the expected trend. Reading the instructions. Doing what was expected of me.

Over time, you became more demanding. I think you let the rest of the world creep in to our life. You became proud, and your hubris was obvious. You took more and more from me. Did you think I wouldn't notice?

A good friend finally opened my eyes. The idea of change scared me at first. What if something went wrong? I knew you were always dependable. Could I afford to leave that security behind?

So I read. And slept. And prayed.

My first time was last week. It almost felt like cheating. My curiosity won over and I went through with it. But I know you know. You saw the whole thing.

And now? Things are fine. The wheels haven't stopped turning. I'm still moving along as free as ever. Just without you.

I won't pay your price any more. We are done. The labels in my life no longer matter. I'll do what i want.

That's right, you heard me! Premium gasoline, I will never pay your extra 20 cents per gallon again. My Lexus runs fine on unleaded, thank you. Good luck finding some other poor sap to overcharge, I'm free of your spell.

Say hello to Midgrade for me.

JDB

To My World

2008-03-28T05:52:00.001-07:00

The past couple of days have been decent. I mean this isn’t what I wanted for my spring break; never did I imagine that this spring break would be the one. It’s weird because it’s the only spring break we’ve ever spent together or really even ever talked on. I honestly don’t know. I have been going through both profiles continuously the past two days, especially mine. I’ve been reading the bumper stickers that regardless of what happened actually mean something to me. It’s three of them that stick out the most and mean the most to me at all in general. I don’t know, maybe we just aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives like this. I mea n it seems that we constantly fight and bicker and not talk to each other. Don’t get me wrong, I think friends should fight and bicker but it seems like we do it more than anyone else and it seems as if we are good one day and then the next day its like ruined. Yeah I know some of it is my fault and I start them and I never mean to. What hurt the most is that we didn’t even talk at all on Monday and the only thing you say to me is, “Guess who came to visit me”. Like just rub it in even more why don’t you. Like I don’t want this to sound like a rant and a vent of frustration because it’s not what it’s mean to be. Answer me this, do these quotes mean nothing to you anymore?

“I know we have been through hard and rough times but you will always be my best friend no matter what happens?”
“It’s not about where you go in life. It’s about who’s by your side that makes it all worthwhile.”
“The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes yet still loves everything about you.”
I’m not going to lie, I feel that since the incident on the Thursday before my spring break nothing has been the same ever since. It feels like you were trying to avoid me and I mean go ahead if you feel that is right but just tell me then. You know I can handle honesty and it happens. I still don’t know how to forgive you for lying to me, I won’t lie, I still just doubt everything that you have ever said to me since you lied about the hook-up with D. It hurt more that you hid it from me since October than the actual act and I don’t mean to beat a dead bush but how does that make me feel? Had we not argued about when you came down, then you wouldn’t have even told me is what hurts the most, the fact that you accidentally told me. It wasn’t as if you were like “I can’t hide this anymore” here it is, no it was by accident.

I’ll be the first to admit that yeah I haven’t been the greatest friend in the past couple of months and I apologize, but not once did I lie to you. I’ve told you straight up about how I feel about everything. Yeah maybe I have treated you like crap lately and I don’t mean to but just take a step back and look at it from my point of view. I feel as if the person who became my best friend is no longer that person. I feel as if everything that made me fall for you and want to become friends with you isn’t there anymore. I feel like I don’t even know you sometimes anymore. Yeah, we’ll talk and you’ll tell me about what’s going on in your life but I feel like I still don’t know you. The you inside, not the you that you’ve been showing me for the past year since we started talking but the real you. The you that I know is inside there and wanting you to let her out.

Love always
Teddy Bear

To a mom

2008-03-24T06:09:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll ever be thin enough that we don't fight about food. I want that day to come, but I have no faith it will. My addiction to food won't ever disappear. You're right; it's destroying our relationship and killing me. I always knew it would be like this.

I see no happy ending for this situation. Eventually you'll break down and stop caring or I'll break down and try to commit to being better. It won't get better.

I'm sorry.

- a daughter

dear you

2008-03-19T17:24:00.001-07:00

i love you, you know that, and you use it to your advantage so you can be a total cunt to me. not once, but over and over and i still keep coming back so you can step on my heart some more.

so fuck you

i love you with all my heart. you know it, i know it.

i just wish you felt it too.

Dear boywiththelipring

2008-03-18T10:06:00.001-07:00

I dont know you, obviously. But I see you (almost) every day as I'm walking to class from my car. And, well, I think you are incredibly handsome. Now, I know that I'm not incredibly gorgeous, but I'm... decently cute. And I like to think that you notice me, too. But besides that, I'm intelligent, and exciting, and spontaneous. You could find that out if you talked to me. It wouldn't take much, just pause a little and say "hey... I'm ______" and I would smile and say "I'm_____. Do you want to go get some coffee or something?" And we could chat. I'm good at that.

But like I said, I don't know you. You could be a jerk or really stupid. Which makes the fact that I get nervous whenever I see you (something I thought I had gotten past with guys a long time ago) even more ridiculous. Especially since I really don't think that I would have a chance with you.

I would talk to you, but- call me old fashioned- I think that it should be the guy who makes the first move. Even (not that I think you'll actually read this) you can find me on myspace. I added [our] school, and you can guess my age.

Now... the quarter is almost over, and I doubt that when our schedules change I will see you. I'll miss it, truthfully. So talk to me soon :]

-a girl

Dear Neighbor

2008-03-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

You are the queen of overreaction. You think you are the queen of a lot of things. I don’t understand why you found it to be such a shock; it was a pretty obvious choice. I realize that you get upset when everything doesn’t go your way, but you are not a child anymore. That’s life. Sometimes people do not get to room with exactly who they want to, or exactly where they want to. Very few people colossally freak out like you did. So I guess I applaud you on that one.

I suppose I just wanted to let you know, that when you finally decide to stop being such a bitch and acknowledge our presences, we might not want to acknowledge yours. Nobody wants a friend that will ignore them for days. Also, nobody wants to room with someone who plots to take away their free will. You are nobody’s mother, and you cannot control how people act.

So I guess have fun with whatever you end up doing next year. And above all, be jealous of all the fun I am having with the people you wanted to be your roommates. Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch they would have wanted to room with you.

Thanks for making it easy not to feel bad for you.

Dear Mom

2008-03-06T17:04:00.001-08:00

You call yourself a Christian. Ha. Obviously you missed out on something. You are judgemental. You are angry. You are untrustworthy. I can't tell you anything for the fear that you will hold it against me. You constantly threaten to cut me off, then are angry when I don't come to you for help when I need it. I can't come to you, you just hurt me more! Tonight I'm crying myself to sleep for the first time in months because of you. I'm happier than I've been in a long time but then you have to rain on my parade, just like always.
So I'm going to be 'living in sin.' So what?? Does that mean that you stop loving me? Because if it does, then as a mother, you suck. You judge your own daughter, a good person, someone who has acheived more than anyone ever thought possible in her life. And you disown her. For what? Your own superior moral sense? Where is that moral superiority when you took out your rages and anger on me? When you always blamed me for all your troubles, and mine?
Don't expect to ever be a part of my wedding, or my children's lives. I won't have them growing up like this. You disown me, well, I disown you. I don't care for someone who would treat me like a pretty on a shelf, to be thrown away at a whim when it no longer matches the decor. There are others who would never do such a thing to me, who will always be there for me, and will never hurt me like this. You have my brother. He's so perfect, just love him. You don't need me. And I guess I don't need you.

Goodbye, and I won't see you at Easter. or Christmas, for that matter.

-Amanda

Dear Barack Obama

2008-03-04T05:02:00.001-08:00

I love the idea behind your message. I've dreamed of someone stepping
forward and not only speaking that message but gaining the widespread
support that you now enjoy. So how is it that I find myself supporting
someone else now? It isn't that I've abandoned my dream. There is just
a change I've added now. Now I dream of someone stepping forward and
speaking that message, gaining the support, and living the message.
Once upon a time I naively thought that someone who spoke a message
like you speak couldn't play the same old game of politics and yet
here you have. I have to congratulate you for the brilliance of it, I
have no doubt that with the message of hope and the politic game mixed
together you can be President.

What I really wanted though was not someone who could out play the
politicians but someone who then they say that every vote counts would
also mean in Michigan and Florida even though they lost. I wanted a
politician who could say you know what this isn't right and this isn't
fair EVEN if it is in my best interests to look the other way. I'm
sorry that I confused you for that person for a brief moment in time.
Please just tread carefully with the bruised country you have the
chance to lead.

Thank you.

Dear make out buddy

2008-02-25T16:38:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm actually in love with you. Like, seriously in love with you. I wish you didn't have a fear of commitment and that you would want to be with me forever. When we were both drunk and you admitted to being in love with me, I think my heart skipped a beat. Perhaps alcohol makes you honest, I don't know, I think about that moment a lot. I also think about when I was crying and you laid there with me holding my hand for hours. I thought you cared about me a lot in that moment.

I know that this whole "make out buddy" thing is just supposed to be just that...

But it's hard to not get my feelings mixed up with kissing and sex, you know?

I know this isn't going to go anywhere, I wish it would, but my expectations of this whole thing between us is very low.

Let's get high together and not worry about a thing, alright? Sound good?

I love you.

Dear Speech Anxiety

2008-02-19T10:36:00.000-08:00

I don't understand you at all, not one bit. I am loud, I am extroverted. Then I have to do a presentation in class, and my voice becomes shaky and my heart starts to beat unusually fast. Why does this happen to me? I do have social anxiety, and I have been on my medication for about six months...but shouldn't you be gone by now? I want to help the world with my words, both written and spoken. But how can I help people if I have to force the words out of my mouth?

I'm a junior in high school, I've been through all kinds of hell. I even had to take a speech class freshmen year, which was terrifying enough. But don't you think that doing a speech almost every day for half a semester would help you go away, right? No. I don't know why you're here and I want you to go away. I can speak at ease with one person, and even two. I can even talk to three people and five people at a time. But when the people become a group, I get scared. I don't know why I get scared. I'm honest, I speak the truth. But I am not going to get scared anymore. I'll go back to the ease of my third grade self, when I was the Tortoise in "The Tortoise in the Hare". I had one of the lead roles and I absorbed that spotlight as much as I could. And I even had to be Pinocchio in a play put on by my school, I even had to sing onstage. I might've been nervous before the performances, but when I got onstage I was at home again.

Perhaps I'm scared because deep inside of me I know that I'm meant to make an impact. With my words, I'm going to help the world. And you cannot supress what I have to say. From now on, I'm going to be the person I'm meant to be. I'm going to be loud all the way around. And if I can learn to speak with care and ease, maybe others can learn from my example. I may not like the life I'm living in, but if I make an impact on the lives of others, I'll be happy to know that they're learning how to enjoy what I can't. I'm truly happy when I help people. And since you'll be gone the moment I send this letter, I'm not going to regret you one bit. I learned from the obstacles you gave me. But I'm not scared anymore. I'm going to be the person I'm meant to be with no limitations to hold me back. I am strongly confident in the person I am and my opinion of myself matters more then the opinion of others. I won't let the opinion others have on me define who I am. Only I can define who I am. And since I'm finally accepting a part of me that I've ignored for so long, I can feel you slowly slipping away. Of course a little of you will still be in me--nerves are normal. But I won't be paralyzed in fear when the attention is on me. Because deep in my heart I know that I'm meant for the spotlight.

I'm finally comfortable with myself. And now I can be comfortable around others.
So bon voyage anxiety! It's been great knowing you, but now I can enjoy a better life without fear.
Love,
Molly

Dear Readers

2008-02-17T05:31:00.000-08:00

Unless you start sending in your letters this website will have to close.
This project is fueled by it's readers who are brave enough to participate, not the person who generously organizes and posts the letters that are received.

Dear Mom

2008-02-04T11:43:00.001-08:00

I know we're closer than most mother and daughters that I've seen. I have alot of respect for you, and I'm so thankful for everything you've done for my sisters and I. and I'm also thankful that you've let me live in your house while I've been going to school and working.. I don't know why, but I have so much guilt in my stomach.. for keeping secrets from you. Secret one.. I got a tattoo. Its really cool! You'd totally dig it! Its the star that makes Super Mario invensible in the game! its awesome.. its on my lower left arm, almost near my wrist.. I hate feeling like I have to hide it from you by wearing sweaters when you walk in the room, or covering it up super quick.. I know I'm an adult now, but I still feel as if you're going to attack me! Secret two.. I know I promised you, God, and myself, I'd wait until I marry to have sex.. but my fiance and I have been sexually active since, well, pretty much the whole four years we've been together.. but don't worry! I'm being smart about it! I'm on the pill! We waited for each other, so don't worry he's my only partner, and I his. I'm just so scared to tell you these things in real life, because, I don't want you to hate me forever. I love you mom. You are my hero, and I don't want to disappoint you in anyway. I just have to get this off my chest somehow

Dear 9

2008-01-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

you, my friend, puzzle me. i cannot imagine WHY i would be infatuated with you. you're quite rude, you don't read, you have the sensitivity of a rock, you can't even speak english well. and most of all, you don't like ME. not in the way i would like you too, anyway. but there you go. 7 years since we've met, with a considerable portion of that time spent on trying to convince myself that i do not, and WILL not like you, but still. we haven't see each other in a couple years. some time ago, i thought i saw you, and whaddya know, my heart started beating faster! and when i saw it wasn't you, i just laughed, somewhat amused as well as annoyed at the fact i could conjure some sort of subconcious reaction at the mere thought i've sighted you. funny, that. is it a sign? am i supposed to pursue you as the object of my affection?

nah, i don't think so. because i think i've both accidentally and deliberately given you enough hints throughout the years. either you're really dense(which would be another reason not to fall for you), or you're just not interested, and i'm inclined to think it's the latter.

ok, where am i going with this, exactly? right. i'm leaving it to fate. if we're meant to fall in love, i hope you hurry up and come to your senses, and if not, i wish you all the best, and hope your life leads you far away from me so i won't have to bump into you and start puzzling over why i would like you all over again.

cheers
am

Dear Boy

2008-01-17T15:03:00.001-08:00

We should talk more, I really mean it (one of the few things I say that I do mean). Although, when we do get together, we don't talk very much. I end up talking about myself to fill up that awkward silence- my least favorite subject. We have so much in common, why don't we talk?
It's a wonder how you put up with me. Complaining about my mother, school, and life in general. And when you do decide to throw in your two cents, it makes me laugh and depending on the subject--like I'm not doing it alone.
Sure as we're getting older, we're growing more apart. Even though you now reside 40 minutes away, I still don't visit you. I have plenty of options for transportation, so it's not my car situation. I just don't put any effort, I guess that's telling us a lot about this friendship. Now the only time I see you is when you come home for breaks during school. I'm going to be a senior next year, looking for colleges. And I fear that when I'm sent to college, I'll never see you again. To be honest I'm not going to the same college as you just so we can hang out more. Sorry.
So I want you to know....
The way you make me feel is indescribable. I'll do my best to sum it up, you treat me the way my other friends and family should--like I belong somewhere. Like I'm needed. That's all I ever wanted. Thank you.

Love,
Girl who's hoping she didn't just seal the fate

Dear Latte Boy

2008-01-14T10:23:00.001-08:00

We both know there is a connection between us, admit it.
I've felt it since the first day I ordered coffee from you.
I don't even like starbucks.
I only waste 3.05$, just so I can use my Barnes and Noble membership discount.
do the math. you type my phone number in since I have "forgotten" my card and then you have the chance of seeing all you need to know about me. (my full name, my email, ect.)

so cut this "shy" act and talk to me already.
I'm too scared to make the first move. I'll admit that.
and plus, Barnes and Noble is my most popular hangout place.
I don't feel like trying to find a new spot if you say no.
so do it. I dare you.

Me :)

Dear 'Albert'

2008-01-11T17:58:00.001-08:00

We've known of each other for over a year now, but it wasnt til barely a year ago that we actually started hanging out. We first went on a roadtrip with someone else, then had lunch together, and just got to know each other. We spent a lot of time together after that - gambling, running, taking a spontaneous roadtrip, eating out, going to movies, emailing back and forth. You put your arm around me once, then started hugging me goodbye everytime we parted. I thought nothing of it other than you were just getting more comfortable with me. I thought things were cool, you were becoming a good friend, when suddenly, after I came back from my trip, you were very distant. Your emails were brief if at all, then non existent, you don't want to hang out, you don't call anymore unless it is work related and even then it is via email only.

Now the question that has been bothering me all this time must be asked - why? All of a sudden, you avoid me. We work in a gossip mill...Was it because certain people at work started talking? Plenty of people have made it a point to bring you up to me. Were you influenced by someone who had no qualms about talking shit about me the previous summer and I barely even know her? Did you hear rumors [which are untrue] of me at work? Did I say something to offend you? My friends think that maybe you were interested in something more, but since I didn't show the same signs, you backed off. I have no idea. I never thought of it as anything more than being friends. I never think people are interested in pursuing something unless they say so. It's hard to tell by people's actions anymore, and their words...

After asking what was going on between us, your cousin told me that if you were ignoring me, I would know why. No, I don't. Call me clueless, whatever. I am blank. So whatever the reason, I'd like to know. Even if we don't become friendly again, which I wish were not so, as you are a very sweet guy and I truly enjoyed your company.

THP

Dear Sarah

2008-01-08T14:38:00.001-08:00

I should have told youthis a long time ago, but i honesty lack the courage. I know you're in love with me. It's obvious from your little hissy fits and when you get jealous and silent. I know that i've hurt you and been the worst friend possible. I'm sorry for that. I wish I could love you like you want me to, but I can't. I'm just not attracted to you.Yes, when i'm horny, I debate having a quick screw but you're worth more than that. I can't mess around with you and then leave you heartbroken.
I know that I made you this way. I flirt and lead you on. Sometimes, I let you touch me in ways you really shouldnt. I made you think you had a good chance, and then told you about the other person in my life. I led you on because I thought maybe if I couldnt find someone, I could use you as a backup when I get old and no one wants me. I hate how I've made you suspicious and scared because I've lied so often. I hate how I've pushed you to the edge. But i have to be honest. We have no future besides friends.
Please forgive me for stringing you along,
Your closest friend

hi baby boy

2008-01-02T09:15:00.001-08:00

it's been 2 weeks since we broke up; the year we spent together was a great one for me. i know you said that at the end the relationship had changed and that you just didn't feel the same way anymore. deep down i think i knew and felt it too but i always thought we'd have time to reconnect and go back to the way we were. i got rid of all our photos, all the messages, all the shared things and i've put away all your gifts because the memories are enough. i remember so many things from the beginning and i thought we were really great together. i see other couples and i wonder how they make it work...they seem to have much worse problems than we ever did - i guess it just goes to show that indifference is love's worst enemy.

every night before going to bed and every morning when i wake up, you're still my last & first thought. i reach for my phone to send you a message and just as i'm about to send it i realise that i shouldn't. you've moved on already and i have to do the same. as much as i keep thinking about how we can work things out, i know you've made up your mind. i guess this is just to say that i miss you, i miss knowing that you're thinking about me, i miss knowing that i can message or call you whenever i want and you'll answer, i miss being a part of your life, i miss having plans with you...i miss the future we could have had.

i hope things between us won't be awkward if/when we ever see each other again. i really don't want to lose you as a friend, as naive and unrealistic as that sounds, because that's what we were once.

thinking of you,
bubble cake

Zach M.-

2008-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

I don't love you. I know you're an ass. I know you're stupid. You are a loser. A nobody, a reject. So many things that are so WRONG about you. You've used me, abused me, threatened me. So why can't I stop thinking about you? Dreaming about you? Wishing you would approach me and talk to me. So stupid. I want it to stop. I want to stop thinking about you. I want to stop wanting you. I think I know why it is. You told me so many pretty lies, when I was so vulnerable, and I bought it all. I let myself reach that level of trust and happiness with you, and it was total crap. The same bullshit you sold to the next girl. I know that it's because you're messed up, and don't know what you're doing. It's still not excusable what you're doing. What you've done. I hate it, and I hate the power you still have over me.
I'll just make my list of reasons you're a loser.
-three time college fail-out
-girlfriend of 9 years dumped you and cheated on you- with good reason. You spent so much time pleasing yourself with your porn you couldn't get it up to please her!
-gambling addiction- serious debt.
-dead end job at Starbucks, in Hyvee. You're 28, and until recently lived with your parents. PAWN!
-did I mention failing college 3 times?
-unibrow!
-video games are the most exciting part of your day
-raging alcoholic
-do you have any real friends?
-angry drunk.
-called me a whore, crazy, bitch, and a slew of other things
-threatened me.
-STD`s anyone?
-you act like a 5 year old. Pout pout pout.
-lazy. you failed school because you were too busy playing video games and basketball. LOSER!

Thanks. That helped. I'm going to take my master's degree and loving, giving personality to someone who actually cares.
See you around, and hope you realize that you're going nowhere!

PS: I laughed a lot when a mutual acquantaince told me about the 18 year old (PERV!) you told "I love you" to after 4 dates. Did it sting when she laughed in your face? You don't know what love is, do you? Now I don't feel so bad.

Dear Readers

2007-12-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

Open Letter began one year ago today.

This site had a spontaneous start. I sat at my computer one afternoon and turned a "What if..?" thought into a live blog where we can post the letters we want to send to each other, but lack the courage or the necessary information to do so. When letters began arriving from all over the world, I realized that my small idea was more useful, entertaining and educational than I had anticipated.

The courage and good humor of the authors continues to interest me and the thousands of readers each week. I thank you for your participation.

As we move into our second year, you will notice some changes to the site that I hope will encourage more letters to arrive.

First, it is my hope to publish scans of actual handwritten letters. A physical address has been provided on the right of the page for you to mail in the letters under your bed, in your closet or tucked into your old photo albums. Or perhaps there is a letter yet to be written.

Second, two new options are open to the authors: 1) You may sign your letter or remain anonymous. 2) You may open your letter to the comments of other readers or keep the comments closed.
To cut down on any confusion, I will only post authors names if they sign the letter and I will only open a letter for comments if the author indicates this is what they want.

Lastly, the look of the site will change to make it more user friendly and interesting.

Along the way, I am open to your suggestions and comments about the site. Please tell your friends about Open Letter or link us to your site. The more readers of Open Letter, the more interesting and useful the site will become.

Again, thank you for a wonderful year.

Penny
Creator of Open Letter

Dear Katie Holmes Cruise

2007-12-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

I read the interview in InStyle this month and I am sad to say that life is not as you believe it to be.
One day you will wake up and you will realize that there is no such thing as happily ever after. There is happiness, yes, but eventually it requires effort beyond what money and a positive attitude can buy. Do not overestimate your situation.

Dear You

2007-12-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so writing stupid letters to you, that you'll never actually read somehow make me feel better about all this.

I told you how i felt for the 2nd time. you didnt exactly throw it back in my face. But it was a total cop out. you gave me the 'friends mean more to me than girlfriends' line, which is a load of shit. if friends were enough you'd be single, wouldnt you? ok you want to just be friends, but that is a lot harder for me than you. i mean you've gone a whole year disregarding my feelings and screwing who you want, being with who you want, and trying to hide it so as to not hurt me. well fuck that. i want the truth.
i just hate that you can go on leading a normal life, meeting girls, hooking up and not caring. whereas i dont do that with guys. im too scared i'd hurt you like you've hurt me.
honestly, i think its because you think im not 'hot' enough to be with you. christ, its so fucked up, explain to me why i started this whole new exercise thing? i mean, i will never look like her, but i do it anyway, in the slight hope and chance that you'll actually notice me as a girl one day and think that i am pretty enough to be with you. and you know wats worse? in 10 fucking years if you wanted to be with me. i think i'd drop everything for you. thats wat this year has been like. and high school, ive missed out on all these things because ive been so adamant that we could go somewhere.

you say just mates, but then you blur the line, there can be grey, if this friends thing is going to work, its the straight and narrow, black and white, we cant confuse our feelings otherwise thats just taking steps back. so last night, you turned up at my house drunk, i was pretty drunk too. you fell asleep in my bed, i slept next to you. i didnt want to have sex with you. i just wanted to be next to you. you said you wanted to kiss me. so why didnt you? if you're not going to dont tell me you want to. you cant blur the line like that.
you didnt stay all night. you left before the morning, said you were going home. i know where you where going and i know why you wanted to go to her place. that broke me.

ive learnt to be by myself, hence why i am so defensive when someone shows me affection, im waiting for the punchline, you know, likes it all a big joke. you are totally different, you crave attention and you love girls chasing after you and doting on you. unfortunately i am one of those girls because im scared that if im not, you'll fill the void with someon else and i will lose contact with you altogether.
mayeb you going overseas next year and me going to uni is a good thing, maybe not being near you will let me experience everything i have missed out on because i have waited patiently for 4 years for you to tell me wat ive always wanted to hear. i just dont want to let go of you.

i have this front with everyone, like i am tough and dont need affection or anything like that. but i do need it. and i act like i hate 'mushy' stuff. but im a hopeless romantic, why the fuck else have a been waiting for 4 years for you?
yeah, i dont know either.

i just want to say 'get fucked' and 'i love you' at the same time to you.
thats honestly how i feel, i cant cry about you anymore. i have accepted that i am not in your 'league' so to speak, i have accepted that i'll never have you and that for the rest of my life i will be unhappy and unfulfilled, because i found the one person i could spend the rest of my life with, but wasn't good enough for you.
i had a dream the other night, i married some guy who wasn't you. i couldnt breath properly, i had the most horrible feeling, it felt so real, he married me because he loved me. i married him because i didnt snag you. i never want to be that girl. so it looks like i'll be alone for the rest of my life. because i cant let go of you. mayb if we tried it, tried being together so i knew if it didnt work. but because we haven't there's still this hope i have.
like that quote you like - "you miss 100% of the shots you dont take"
we're missing out on what could be our future because we (mostly you) arent willing to take the plunge.
i kind of resent you for that.
but i still love you always.

Dear You- in the near future

2007-12-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Hi! Haven't talked to you in a while! How is school? I am so busy! I bet it's cold as shit where you are! Cleveland is pretty cold, too, though! It's supposed to snow next week! WTF! Anyway, things for me are great. I'm in a dorm, but I have my own room, so I'm pretty comfortable. The food is OK. It's hard to ruin a banana, so I'm pretty much a vegan, these days.
There is tons of stuff happening all the time. I've seen like, a million concerts this year! Oh man.

I love my design classes. I never thought there were people who were as interested in fashion as I am! I've made some very cool friends. We have lots of fun together.

I still stay in touch with Brittany and Emily. We text A LOT. I got an angry phone call from my dad. Long story short- I had to get some super-mega-uber text plan.

Britt's at Wesleyan so we meet up every few weeks. She's been doing really well in her Journalism classes, and I've read some of her stuff. It's really good. I sent an article she wrote for the school paper to my dad. He said it was really great and that she's talented. Well, tell me something that I don't know, haha.

Emily is still doing a bunch of basic biology stuff (she's pre-med), but she's doing great.

Andy is a senior! Can you believe it? My little baby sister! She's been looking at colleges, but we all know she's going to OSU. We already have all of these crazy schemes planned for her eighteenth birthday. You should come hang out with us sometime.
I still miss Betty like crazy when I'm at school. My mom tells me that she can't even say my name without that dog freaking out. When I'm home, we just nap together endlessly. That's not to hard to imagine, is it?

Are you going to be home for Christmas? Definitely call me. We can meet up! Have you changed much since I saw you last? I've seen a few pictures just from facebook and I was happy, because you're still just as handsome as ever. I've changed a little, I suppose. I've lost some weight, not because I've fallen into old habits, but because of my busy life, so don't worry. I actually have some muscle now- that's from carrying huge amounts of fabric on a few occasions, and my portfolio, which I carry almost everyday. My hair's longer. I got a tattoo. I still haven't told my parents about it.

Have you been with any other girls since I talked to you last? I haven't been with anybody else... but I think that could be contributed to the fact that most of the men that I hang out with are gay fashion students.

Well, I'm done procrastinating for tonight. I have some sketching to do.
Love,
Me- in the near future

Dear Open letter

2007-12-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

I wish you would post MORE letters. There has to be more then 2 people emailing you every week.
Post secret posts a fair amount of cards each week, so maybe you could do the same? I know I am not the only person who would enjoy this. There are millions out there who are thirsting for open letters!
SO POST THEM PLEASSSE!! :)

Dear Tall, Dark, & Handsome

2007-12-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

I am tired of being strong. I am so very tired of working to hold this relationship together while you continually fall apart on me. But mostly, I am tired of people viewing my stiff upper lip and confident stance as a testament to my character, when really it’s nothing more than the façade I put on day by day so you’ll be able to make it to the evening. People call me stable, safe, secure, strong, they treat me like a modern day heroine, simply because I am floundering to keep this emotional rollercoaster we call a relationship together.

But I am through, or at least I think I’d like to be. Too long I’ve been the provider, the philanthropist, the dominant force in this little attempt at playing house. I’ve held your head above water for too long, I feel like I’m drowning now too. I was there for you when you checked into rehab, I drove the hour long drive after you when you stole the car and ran away in the middle of the night, I’ve been your shoulder to cry on, your empathetic party to vent to, a lover and a therapist all rolled into one, for as long as you needed whenever you needed…I can’t keep doing this.

I am ashamed, but I am desperate. I want to be treated like the damsel in distress. I used to pride myself for being an independent woman, until our little relationship exploded into chaos, and you started to cling to me like I was the only solid substance in your life. I am sorry things have gone so horribly for you, I used to feel very deeply for you on that note, but I can’t keep sinking into your perpetual gloom. I want to be happy, so I’m cutting myself free of you.

So goodbye to the calls in the middle of the night, goodbye to the constant complaining, goodbye to you treating mental illness as if it were some sort of “get out of jail free” card, and goodbye to constantly doubting myself because I feel to do anything solely for me, means I am going to send you into a manic fit. We had fun, I thought I loved you, but the dark mood has worn me out.

I am going to find someone who can take care of me, so I can take care of them.

Your Baby Doll.

Mom

2007-11-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

I miss you sometimes. Every once in a while I get an urge to call you.
Sometimes the little girl in me surfaces and I wish I could talk to
you. But those moments pass, and they're fewer and far between now. So
go on and live your life, alone in that big house with nothing to do
and no daughter to talk to. I hope you're sitting around, waiting for
me to call like I think you are. I hope you're expecting me to give in
like I always do. But that call will never come, because I've finally
come to a realization: I'm stronger without you. Bet you never thought
you'd hear that, huh?

Sincerely,
Your Not-So-Loving Daughter

Dear Chris Edds

2007-11-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it has been almost 16 years since you went away. I had no idea a bond could linger so long without any contact.

So many memories of my growing up included you. Remember trying to get drunk off a few beers while fishing with Tony in the middle of the night? What rebels we thought we were. Good Christian kids up to no good. Makes me laugh even more now. Remember pretending to be a married couple so we could test drive new cars? Remember singing that Robert Plant song in my car? Remember your prom? And all the track meets? You were such a good friend that I thought there was nothing that would ever come between us.

I used to call you my adopted brother. That was when we were in high school and things got so bad with your dad that you were thinking of staying with me and my mom permanently. I wanted you to be my brother.

I was happy when you met the woman who later became your wife. I had someone and you did too. Seemed like things were looking up for both of us. That’s why I will never understand why she took you out of my life and said all the things she did. It was strange - like a bad joke because it was so far from the truth. I saved the tape from my answering machine for a while. Her little sister screaming and cursing me. I guess I wanted you to hear the insanity of it. But my own marriage was failing fast by then. And it occurred to me that I never wanted you to go through that pain too. So, just as she demanded, I stopped all contact.

For many years I went over that situation, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I know now that whatever happened had very little to do with me and more to do with the imagination of a young and very insecure girl whom you loved. The girl you married. You did what you had to do. Our friendship was the price.

I want you to know that I forgive you.

But I also want you to know that as I am raising my daughter, here on the other side of the country; while I am finally married to the greatest love of my life, I think of you often. I wish they could know you and hear some of the stories about us growing up straight from you. You knew me so well. I cannot help but miss the friendship we had.

I hope you are well, Chris. Nothing but the best.

Dear Al Gore

2007-11-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

You are no doubt aware that if you announced your candidacy for President now that you would nearly shut out all the other hopefuls. What a glorious position to be in.

Sure you won't reconsider?

Miss Lyndsey Elliott

2007-11-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

I have some things to tell you.
I love the way you are a goof it makes me happy
I am the happiest that I can remember
I miss you on the drive back without you right after I have seen you
You have helped me and encouraged me to do things right for us because you
love me enough to inconvenience yourself for our good
You kept me from killing myself last year
You are the best thing in my life
I can tell you anything and show you my feelings without fear of ridicule
I can be myself around you and say anything
I love the way that you understand that sometimes I don't think about what I
say
I love the way that you are not like the other girls and get angry over
simple misunderstandings
I love the way that you are yourself around me and how you don't care what
other people think about you
I love you WILL YOU MARRY ME LYNDSEY I have loved you for a long time and I
don't want to loose this feeling I want you with me for the rest of our lives
I can't live without you, I literally believe I would die without your love.
I LOVE YOU

Dear J.P.

2007-11-15T12:50:00.000-08:00

I hate how much I fucking miss you. This sucks and hurts so much. I hate how I know what you're thinking, and how much I loved it when you caught me on my crap. I thought I was over this, but I know now that I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.

I hated how you turned your head that one time I saw you at school. I hated you for a while after that. I hate how we are able to fool ourselves at times, and try to make ourselves believe that we have moved on. I know now that our heart and mind work differently, and that I've become quite good at making myself think I can be just your friend.

This is why this sucks, because I know for sure that we will never work as friends. I think there is something that scares us, for me it's whether or not my family would accept you. I look at you and feel like I would never have anything to offer you. I feel ugly when I'm around you, and I hate thinking that you could do so much better. I don't think that we'll ever be friends. Just acquaintances. And you know what, people that connect like we do shouldn't only be able to have that.

I wish that I was over you, and that we had this amazing friendship. No, I wish that nothing was holding us back and that we could just be.
I wish a lot.
I miss you a lot.
I think the best thing for me to do is avoid you at all costs. I will no longer come on MSN hoping you will be there. Avoidance is the best way now. I can't live my life hoping something will happen. No more. I need to stop this now.

Dear Boy

2007-11-13T06:39:00.001-08:00

Our friendship is amazing. Our friendship has brought me back to life at a point when I thought my life was completely stagnant. You are not only my friend but someone who has broken my heart repeatedly. How can I stay with you, friendship or otherwise? I see how you are just the perfect Noah to my Allie, the perfect Romeo to my Juliet. You use excuse after excuse, but I am not stupid. Quite the contrary, I am intelligent beyond your comprehension. For some reason my smarts could not protect my heart. No matter how high the IQ, not matter how perfect the grades, I still fell for you.

Every song I hear, every couple I see, every movie I watch, every moment, I am reminded of you. I am reminded of what I ultimately am missing out on. I cannot sleep, I can barely eat; I have fallen so greatly. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot be the perfect girl who just waits until you finally come to your senses. I am walking away. I am turning my heart into stone. I will be the Juliet of no one, not even you.

Tears stream down my face, leaving permanent streaks. Feel my pain, see my love? You are my Romeo. There never was a story more of woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo…

Love forever and never more,
Me

Mr. Terry Adams

2007-11-09T18:07:00.000-08:00

I have a few things to tell you:

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You've given my life a whole new perspective.

I've never been happier in my entire exsistance than I am right now.

I love falling asleep with you, and waking up next to you.

I never ever want this to end and If its up to me, it never ever will.

All of my love,

Dear Mi Amor

2007-11-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Today is your birthday. Since last night I have you in mind and I can't stop thinking about you, about us.
You left me. You left without saying good bye.
how sad. how pathetic. I am.
here I'm having a glass of wine thinking of you, wishing you Happy Birthday.
you left me behind like I was piece of trash, like I was nothing...
I thought I was someone you loved once...but you made me realized that I was just another that your left behind.
how could you? I LOVED you. I can't stop thinking how easy was for you to leave me...
I wish I can hate you, but what I'm realizing is that I am not loving you as I did few months ago.
I am not crying anymore. There are days that I don't think about you, there are days that I don't love you as I did long time ago.

You left. How could you...
You left without saying good bye.
Now, I'm the one leaving and I'm ready to put you behind too.

Happy Birthday, wishing you nothing but the best.

Love,
la que era tu mujer...

Mr. Aaron Peckham

2007-10-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

From: Cicero's Assassin
To: Mr. Aaron Peckham, founder, urbandictionary.com
October 26, 2007

Dear Sir,
As a longtime user and recent editor of the Urban Dictionary, it grieves me to inform you that your creation, the Urban Dictionary, is in dire peril. Although I am a great admirer of your work and the vital resource you have created and steered through years of tumult and frustration, I feel compelled to bring to your attention serious structural flaws in the UD, a site among the most respected and frequented on the entire Web, which, if left unchecked, will almost certainly lead to the stagnation, obsolescence, and untimely fall of this our most precious repository of modern wit and dialect. I wish to make it clear that in writing this letter I bear you no ill will, and as a token of my respect I offer several suggestions to amend the functionality of the UD without sacrificing its mission or its reliability.
Before I begin please allow me to briefly state what I know about the current UD editing process. As I understand it, the previous editing regime allowed every single submitted definition to be published, and editing consisted of volunteer editors confirming or denying the deletion of questionable defs flagged by other users. To counteract the biased deletion of legitimate terms, UD switched to the the current program, which enlists volunteer editors to either approve, deny, or abstain judgment on all new submissions to the UD. Submissions are placed in the queue upon submission from any person who can prove they are not a spammer or bot, i.e. respond to an email confirmation, with heretofore undefined terms given preferential placement in the queue. I acknowledge this information may be inaccurate, but in my own defense let me state that what I have written here is not easy to come by. My first suggestion for the Urban Dictionary is to make its editing process more transparent, a solution easily reached with the inclusion of a Frequently Asked Questions link on the site.
The UD suffers from, let us be frank, an overabundance of inexperienced submitters who waste staggering amounts of their time defining as many of their friends' names and vicious, completely fictional sex acts they can come up with, completely oblivious to the rather vague submission guidelines on the site. I realize that frequent, easy submission by the multitude is the life's blood of UD, but in the interest of maintaining the motivation and sanity of dedicated editors allow me to suggest several easily-implemented steps to alleviate the Sysiphean task of keeping the editing queue under control. Firstly, great amounts of editors' time is wasted approving or denying replicate definitions by the same submitter. Simply prohibiting submitters from writing multiple definitions of the same term within a week's time would alleviate this greatly. Making this policy clear to submitters will further encourage quality, as each submitter will have only one shot to have their def approved. Secondly, I think it is safe to assume that any submitter failing to include their defined term in their example sentence is incapable of producing a definition worthy of the UD. All defs submitted which do not implement the defined term should simply be deleted before they ever reach the eyes of editors. Furthermore, many definitions currently ranked as the best definition are ranked that way due to their relative age, not relative quality, and this reveals a weakness in the user voting system. A simple fix for this problem would be to make the "thumbs-up, thumbs-down" system an average over the past few months, rather than a numerical count. After all, the lousy definitions entrenched on the first page will still get more votes up and down than the great definition on the fifth page that no one ever sees.
As far as can be discerned from the "cleanup" and "cleanup calendar" links in the editor's branch of the UD, no definitions have been removed for inaccuracy or maliciousness, as of this letter, in months. As I have stated before I may be misinformed due to the lack of transparency in the internal operations of UD, but if this statistic is true then there are more serious issues at stake than the uncontrollable editing queue. To highlight this problem, let me direct your attention to the UD entry for bastardisation (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bastardisation ), the majority of definitions for which are directed not to the word itself but rather the poor definitions available for the word. Humorous, certainly, but is this the kind of resource your valiant editors are fighting for? I offer a radical solution to fight this creeping menace.
There are editors working on the UD, and then there are Editors. Some of the brave volunteers here are simply more dedicated to quality than others - after all, at least a majority approved the definition of Brian (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=brian), although the leading definition violates at least one-third of the submission guidelines. To counter this and other nonsense entries, I propose a tiered editing guild to be established as soon as possible which would track editing dedication and reward its members with greater privileges the longer they were active. Novice Editors would be those who had revised no more than 1000 entries, and the brunt of the queue would fall to them. The Novices would be the first line of defense against ridiculous sex acts and the like, two "reject" votes from this tier warranting immediate deletion. Above 1000 decisions, the Novice would graduate to Apprentice Editor. This tier would not need to view any submissions which had already been declined at the Novice level and could spend their time approving or denying more refined, but still questionable, entries. Apprentices would also be presented with submissions to the Deletion Queue, to keep, delete, or abstain judgment. The Deletion Queue, a new addition to the UD's functionality, would be the sole responsibility of the Editors, the class of truly dedicated volunteers who had not only judged over 5000 entries but also maintained a high approval-to-publication ratio in their decisions (for instance, a dedicated vandal would not be able to simply fast-click through 5000 definitions, marking all as "approve" or "reject" in order to reach Editor status, as their approval-to-acceptance ratio would be much too low), confirming their commitment to fair, accurate, and up-to-the-minute definitions. In addition to providing the final confirmation vote to every submission, Editors would have the privilege of adding definitions to the Deletion Queue where deletion of spurious definitions would be conducted by consensus vote among Editors and Apprentices.
Mr. Peckham, in outlining this plan I bear full knowledge of its implications; creating a de facto aristocratic class among the stalwart volunteers seems to be in direct opposition to the very charter of the Urban Dictionary. Although I cannot vouchsafe against all negative ramifications of my ideas, please do not let their foreignness and scale deter you from taking action where action is so desperately needed. Sleep on my suggestions, and please run them by whatever governing council makes these decisions for the UD (who are those guys, anyway? Transparency, sir, transparency!). As this seedling plan takes root in your mind let me show you a glimpse of a bright and glorious future: Urban Thesaurus. The upper tier of Editors would rove the UD bestowing metadata on definitions, linking synonyms and antonyms in an ever-expanding web of shared language and knowledge and keeping the UD the most relevant and useful resource for expression in today's information age.
Yours very respectfully,
-Cicero's Assassin, www.xanga.com/Ciceros_Assassin
October 26, 2007

hey mother

2007-10-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

your birthday's coming up. i always think about what i can do to show you how much i love you, and not just get you a shirt or a new kitchen item. i'll probably get a tattoo on my arm for you. something that will be with me at all times to remind me of you. i don't really need it though, i'm reminded every day. when i show love and compassion towards others it reminds me of you. when people tell me that i have a great smile, it reminds me of yours. when i'm dropping gratuitous f-bombs, i can hear you saying my name in that voice that means you're shocked and disappointed that such a thing would come out of my mouth...even though it comes out every 6 words or so.

i'm so proud of you as a woman and as a parent. i see what you do to other people when you're around them. people love you, and why not? you are funny, and more importantly you laugh a lot. you are beautiful, kind hearted, and aware. you continue to grow even in your 50's, and continue to amaze me with your ability to do so. you're not set in your ways, and you still think of other possibilities out there.

you love dad. you guys are still together. there's no doubt in my mind that it took so much patience and strength for you two to get through it all. i'm very grateful that you did. i'm special in that my parents have been together for 35 years and will likely remain together forever. forever isn't a term proved to be anything but a fantasy these days. you prove that it's still alive.

i'm so excited to see you for christmas, and i'm sorry that i only get to see you two or three times a year. i had to move and try something new, but i promise that i'll be back. i don't want to miss many more years with you being a constant presence in my life. maybe i'll let you open up that restaurant for me, and i'll be there to not only be your chef, but to be your active son again.

i love you and miss you so much. i'm lucky that i was picked to be your son.

To Zach

2007-10-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

I know now why D left you. I still don't agree with the method, but Ifeel sorry for her. You are selfish. You spend all your timethinking about Zach, about what he wants, about what he needs. Younever think about me. Never do anything for me. I have given youeverything I could, and then some more. All the small things,touches, caresses, and the bigger things too.

You never gave me anything but heartache. You said you would never hurt me, that I could trust you. You knew how broken I already was. Yet still you selfishly told me you loved me, but didn't have time for a relationship. That's the biggest load of **** I have ever heard. Then you decided you would try. I told you then that you had better be sure, that I didn't want to be a yo-yo. I hate that my heart, and my mental state, rests in your thoughtless hands. At a whim you decide to drop me, and pick me back up, and I am helplessly along for the ride, because I love you and I need you- I need to know that SOMEONE loves me and cares for me. Even selfish Zach.

This time you dropped me because you 'can`t deal with a relationship right now'. Code for 'you can`t deal with ME'. I spent last night sobbing in the shower, waiting for you to call like you promised. Of course, you didn't call, because you're selfish. You didn`t consider me at all, didn`t consider that I was here not committing suicide for the mere hope that you would say again that you´ve reconsidered and want me back.

The most pathetic part is that, even though I´ve realized that you are poison, I would still take you back because I need you, I want you, and after and over everything else, I love you.

Please call me back. I need to hear your voice.

To the younger guy from Virginia who hit on me during Pitchfork:

2007-10-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

You were somewhat drunk, somewhat being egged on by your friends, but I thank you. It has been a while (never) since I was hit on in a chatty, enthusiastic way by someone that I would never think would be interested in even talking to me. Even though you talked during most of the New Pornographers set, and it took me a few songs to realize that you were going to be persistent and wide-eyed in getting me to talk to you, I thank you. My boyfriend was being inattentive and wouldn’t get out of his lawn chair when the band came on, and I left in a huff to get up to the stage. I was feeling more than a little dismissed and unattractive (those always go hand-in-hand), and your insistence on telling me every detail of your post-college trip to Australia and your plans to pitch your office job to live the indie life that you were loving here in Chicago made me remember that there are other boys, for better and for worse, and many more conversations that someone will want to have with me. While I knew that it wouldn’t be you, and I made a lame excuse to get back to my lawn chair- bound group as the set ended, I thank you. You made a divorced, mid-30’s lady feel reasonably interesting in a field of young hipsters and oblivious boyfriends. Thanks.

Oh Darling...

2007-10-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. So incredibly exhausted. Let's not pretend anymore, ok? We can't try this again. You know it as well as I do.

Dear Dad

2007-10-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

It's been ten years and seven months since you died, and I don't think the pain has lessened any. I'm 20 now, Dad, and I still feel like the lost little girl who found out her Daddy was never coming back. I fell apart when you died, and it seems like I'll never be whole again. I am still so angry with you for letting drugs become more important than your daughter. I'm angry with Mom, too--the drugs and alcohol have destroyed that relationship--but you're the one who's gone. At least Mom stuck around. It kills me to think that drugs are the reason I'm completely alone and lost right now. I feel like I'm drowning, and I don't have anyone to fall back on. Do you know how hard it was for me when Mom was relapsing every weekend? Do you know how scary it was to find her passed out on the bathroom floor and feel responsible for her? Of course you don't--you weren't there. You chose Fentanyl over me. Thanks to you, I didn't get to have a childhood, and now I'm a broken adult.

Your birthday was a few weeks ago, exactly one week before mine. You would have been 50. That day, along with the anniversary of your death, are the two hardest days for me to get through every year. I miss you so much, but at the same time, I find myself gradually forgetting what your voice sounded like and what you looked like. All I have left are pictures, birthday cards, and your Air Force jacket. It's so hard knowing that I'm forgetting my dad. I leave campus on Parents' Weekend every year because it's too painful to see the other girls with their dads and knowing that I'll never have that again. The other day, I had a happy moment when I was proud of myself, and the first thought I had was to pull out my cell phone and call you. It seems so stupid now, but that split second when I felt the urge to call you was so real, and I cried because it hit me for the millionth time that I'll never talk to my dad again.

It seems ridiculous to me that I still cry over you after ten years. Shouldn't this be getting easier? I hope, wherever you are, that you've found the peace you were obviously lacking. It's hard growing up and realizing just how unhappy you were when you were alive, and it's hard coming to the realization that parents aren't perfect. I remember when I used to idolize you. I miss those days. I miss you. I love you.

Dear You

2007-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin or how to explain myself to you.
I love you.
Always have. Always will.

We have been friends for almost four years now. It has been simultaneously the most fantastic and depressing time of my life. I love spending time with you. You are one of the most gorgeous people I have ever met inside and out.

Nothing was said in the early stages of our friendship. But I think you liked me (maybe you didnt, maybe I was seeing what i wanted to), and I liked you. I have been regretting my inability to take what I want and hold onto it forever. You are what I want. I never voiced how I felt back then because you were one of my best friends' boyfriend. I loved you when you were with her. But when you broke up. I couldn't bring myself to let it all out, all my feelings, in case I hurt her. I wish I had. My friendship with her dissolved, and I am still sitting on the sideline of your life. I should have done what i had wanted, and put myself priority one.

Earlier this year, I took my chances and broke down, I cried in front of you and told you the only person I ever want to be with is you. I cried because I was so scared you would not want me, that I was not pretty enough for you, smart enough for you, or just 'the one' for you.

I was right.

You didnt want me. But I still stood by. I think I am addicted to you. Regardless of how much it pains me when you have a girlfriend, especially one who makes you happy, because I know I can never, ever be that girl for you, I still want to spend every minute of every hour of everyday with you.

You are one of the most caring, sensitive, serious and stupid, funny, random, amazing people I have ever met. I am so scared with each new girlfriend you get, that she will be the one. Because I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Unrequited love yes, but no one else will ever measure up to how you make me feel. I want to be beautiful for you. I want to be the one for you. I want to the the one you love unconditionally. But I am not.

I like you because you are funny. You can poke fun at yourself, laugh at yourself when you do stupid things, you are just comfortable with who you are, I truly admire and adore you for that. I bag on you all the time. I know. I don't know if it honestly upsets you or you really know I am joking with you. You see, if I didnt poke fun at you, i would blurt out how gorgeuos I think you are, your eyes, your strong jawline, your big arms! your great voice. If I didn't bag on you. I would have to tell you how much I love you everyday. How completely and utterly flawless you are to me, yes physically, but also in your personality. Whenever you drop me home, you don't drive away until I am in the front door, safe. You hug me and cheer me up when I am sad. Which unbeknowns to you is usually because I have a little epiphany and realise you won't ever be mine. It pains me. I can't tell you how I feel. I already have and I wasn't good enough. I will never measure up to your previous girlfriends. You have had so many and I am envious of all of them because they were on the receiving end of your affection.... But they didn't realise how lucky they were to be with you. They were all prettier than me. They always will be. Because they are like you. The beautiful people. I, on the otherhand am not one of them. I am that girl that hangs out with the boys. Not because I want to be one of the boys. I want to be WITH one of the boys.

You know what else? When I was still at school I would cry myself to sleep. Not because you were ever horrible or nasty to me. But because you were so amazing to me and I just knew deep down that I never had a chance to be a piece of your life that was irreplaceable. I don't cry about you anymore. I don't have any tears left. I try to accept that you do not want me. But it is so hard. You have no idea. You have always had the girls you want. Always been pursued by someone. I have not. I do not get attention from the boys, I am not one of the pretty little girls the boys want. I am a mate, I muck around with the boys and no one, not even you sees me as I am, a girl, I spose a woman now. I have never been with anyone, because I feared that if I took the plunge, you might miraculously decide you wanted me. So I have always been single. Because even when there is someone else. I cannot stop thinking about you and wishing he was you.

I have told my friends I am over you. That I can't see myself with you. I told them that so they wouldn't hate you, they think you did the wrong thing by me. By leaving it a week before telling me 'it would be weird' to be with me, a whole agonising week where I foolishly convinced myself you would say you wanted me, you always have, and it would work out like it does in the movies, or like it has for my friends. They don't really understand how I feel because they have boyfriends. They have been sought after and ultimately they are with someone they want to be with.

I would throw away everything to be with you. I truly believe I could spend the rest of my life with you and be happy. I wouldn't care if we had no money, or friends, or anything, just the fact I knew you wanted to be by my side for the rest of your life would be enough for me.

I don't understand our relationship fully. We are not just friends, but we are not a couple, we are some awkward stage in between. We have never kissed, or slept together. But you hug me. You hold my hand when we watch a movie at your house. You make me happy.

I am moving away next year for university. For the next chapter in my life. You know what scares me the most? That I will leave, and you will forget about me. You will find another girlfriend who you will be with and eventually marry. And that I won't be able to see you, or look at you everyday like I have been this year. That's why I watch you when we are habging out, or at work. I admire you. Your face, your thoughts, your jokes. I don't need words when I spend time with you because you are enough to make me happy.

I want to be yours forever.
I am not whole without you.
I have fun with you.
You make me happy.
I love you infinitely.
I always will.

Dear P

2007-10-09T10:04:00.001-07:00

That letter's not written by me, but I wish is was, it's much less bitter than my letter...

I'm so sorry...I didn't mean what I said. I'm not angry or annoyed at you at all. I'm hurting and grieving but I don't blame you. I wanted to feel bitter and to find some way of faulting you so it would be easier to let you go. But really I can't hate you, or fault you, or blame you at all. The way it ended was just unfortunate...we shouldn't have let it get to that but I just couldn't let go of my feelings for you.

I've been reminded that I shouldn't be bitter, and I'm not. I still care about you just as much, only from a distance. I hope that my feelings will someday be towards you as just a friend and I hope that we can have a normal friendship but right now I understand that we can't do that, my feelings for you are too great and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to pretend that it's any other way.

I've also been reminded to just keep trusting in God. Pastor said something on Sunday that really spoke to me about how sometimes our plans just don't work out because God has a bigger plan for us, whether that's together or apart.

I will wait for you if it's right to, I just wish I could know that you'll do the same.

Dear Mom

2007-10-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

I've just realized how much you love your work, and everything you've given up for it. Now i understand it all.
You love those children and you just want to help them, make them better persons, and i must admit you do a wonderful work.

I've seen the people you've helped, and they are very grateful and they admire you as much as anyone can admire another. You've changed their lives, you've guided them to the right path. You don't only teach them the necessary, you make make them feel loved and cared. Even in the hard times, when they just want to quit, you're there helping them and lending your shoulder to cry, even if they don't acknowledge what you've given them you're there, you're always there for them. And finally after 7 years I understand it, i understand you're living your dream, i understand that if there is someone in need you'll help them even if it is 2 in the morning because that's who you are. I get all that, I really do.

But that doesn't make it better. It just makes me feel like I'm not as important for you as your work, or any of those children. I've wished that for the past 7 years you would've helped me more, guided me through the right path, be the shoulder i could cry on when everything was going wrong. I've wished i could trust you more, i could admire you as much as those people do. I wish you could love me as much as your work. I wish you took some time off and stop worrying for at least one day. I wish you were more like dad. He knows me, he understands me, he always knows what want I to hear, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel loved. Now I've stopped wishing.

I see you and i feel you're so far away. The first step is difficult, i know it, but someone has to take it. So take this as the first step. Because even though you don't know me, i sure know who you are: you're my mom and i love you.

Darling

2007-10-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

It hurts a lot to know that our relationship has an expiration date. Soon, you will leave for Boston and there's a good chance it will be over between us. I tell you I'll be fine. On your long trips, I just tried to use the military-wife mentality- that you're off doing good. That you probably miss me as much as I miss you. That I should just try to stay busy. That you'll be back soon. But I don't know if that will work for this, as you are moving there. It is for your future and your career, so I guess I understand the move.
It will just be very hard. I've been getting better, though. I'm trying to stay optimistic. I figure, if you leave and end up missing me like crazy and want to come back, it's meant to be. If you leave and are totally fine, then it's not. I'm trying to accept this and look forward to the future. I try to look forward to meeting someone new, or possibly continuing our relationship. I try to stay in the moment and enjoy what little time we have left.
You showed me that not all men are jerks. You taught me to open up, for that, I thank you, and though you think I am still keeping something inside, I am much better than I once was.
I actually AM keeping something inside. I am trying to keep distance from you. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to feel like I had just been rejected, or left, like a have before. I know it's unrealistic to feel this way... I mean we're still pretty young- it's not like it is very likely that we are going to get married. I still feel like we will, though.
I hate myself for imagining us together. I hate that I am hurting myself by doing this. I hate that I think you'll come back to me.

You have taught me a lot about life.

I wish you were not so fucking amazing.

I wish I were not so fucking fragile.

Love always,
Your little butterfly

PS- I have no doubt that you'll do great things. You will change the world. If this relationship doesn't work out, you'd better have an amazing life. You'd better think of me when ever you hear The Shins. You'd better be happy.

Dear Man I Should Be In Love With,

2007-09-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I want to apologize because I will probably marry you (if and when you ask) because I am tired of having failed relationships. My mom and sister and others think we don't fit together well. They may be right but I like proving people wrong. I won't get a divorce. I just might not be as happy as I always wished I would be. It's okay. I just wish we would have remained friends instead. We were better that way.

Dear Lesbian

2007-09-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

Its funny somehow that I'm writing this to you, and high too. Being stoned reminds me of you. Sometimes when we're together i still can feel the my hate for you bubbling up. But most of the time i just feel this enormous gap that is between us i do not know who you are, even though i hang out with you everyday. Weird. When ever we start to talk about what happened, whats happening it just stops with "there is just too much shit" and there is. Reminiscing with you reminds me of what we were, what we had, how we wish we could be, most of it comes back to being free and not so sad( I'm not sure that we ever had that).

You had a boyfriend when i met you, i thought you were the coolest person ever, (I idolized you) and i was looking for someone to do drugs with. I also remember the first time you told me you were bisexual i freaked out even though i had a crush on you. You changed me so much, so much that i cant even remember who i used to be. I still hate sometimes that i had so many firsts with you and it didn't mean anything to either of us. We still pretend none of it happened. I was the one that you cheated on your boyfriend with, but to you it didn't even count as cheating because i was little more than an after thought.

I did so much for you. I felt like i was your doll for you to play with and dress me up like i wasn't a person with you. I didn't even care. Now I don't know how to talk to you. All the fucked up things you do to people scare the shit out of me. I feel like I'm loosing everything with all of our friends going off to college, soon it will just be me and you. I hate how we make fun of each other for being gay in front of our friends, sometimes i hate how you don't get mad at me anymore it scares me. When your normal i feel as if everything is going to fall apart and when your crazy i feel like leaving because i cant deal with your shit. I hate how we have so many new friends now because i feel like we are all growing less close with other people around all the time. I don't understand how we can be so close yet not know each other at all.

To the guy who broke my heart, again,

2007-09-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

Why did you even bother saying anything in the first place? Did breaking my heart once not satisfy you? You had to do it again?

I know you don't mean to hurt me like this, or at least I hope you don't, but really, you just couldn't help yourself could you, knowing I was weaker than you. You make me feel like it's my fault, but it's not!! You did this to me, you gave yourself back to me, took my heart and then crushed it just when I we might actually have a chance to be together. You never even gave it a go, how can you condemn this relationship before it's even started?!
I
will get over you this time, I'm going to force myself, I will NOT be messed around again, if you ever want to speak to me again you're gonna have to prove yourself to me. I will not be weak, I'm determined this time.

Why did you call me? It felt like you were just rubbing it in! You make me so angry, at least you gave me a reason to be annoyed this time. I don't believe you'll miss me, I believe you'll miss the attention, the ego boost, the company...not me.

I hope you're hurting as much as I am, I really do. You can't keep breaking my heart just to avoid getting yourself into deep water. You're a coward, you really are. You should have ended this properly ages ago and not given me false hope. You're selfish!
See how frustrated you've made me?! I don't want to hate you but you're making it so much easier!

I hate the fact that I let you break my heart, twice, and I HATE that fact that I still want you.
Goodbye. This time I really want to mean it.

Dear You

2007-09-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

So, are you ever going to talk to me again? I mean, after what you did, I would really appreciate an apology. There's nothing like humiliating someone and then not making an effort to talk to them for over a week. Ha. You have absolutely zero idea what hell I'VE been put through because of your horrible mistake. Wondering if you're going to be alienated from your friends is a whole bunch of fun, trust me, especially when it was never your mistake in the first place. If you never want to talk to me again, fair enough, but at least have the guts to make it final. Don't sit around thinking I'm going to make it all better and remove all the blame from you, you smug bastard. No excuses this time my friend. I'm not going to play dead.

Oh, and by the way, go fuck yourself, seeing as none of your friends will do it for you.

Dear Sara

2007-09-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

I would like to say sorry. Sorry for having sex with your cousin in your living after the party. I have no idea what came over me, all I can really say is, I was caught up in the moment. I hope that you will never find out and I hope Him and I have a chance at this. Somehow I doubt it.

Dear Terrorists

2007-09-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

Six years ago you changed my life. I was scheduled to be there in the atrium when the 1st plane hit the WTC. Like the others, I have that story, that wonder of why I was lucky and so many others weren't.
Still, you changed my life.

I was working toward a life of mediocrity, loneliness and insignificance. I was doing nothing to make the world a better place. I was part of the problem. But in the days and months after your attack on my country, I woke up.
It has not been easy to change and I'm sure I'm not finished. But I left that life that was killing me and created a new one. I held onto the hope that if I made better choices and took responsibility for my actions that I would become the person I wanted to be.
It worked.

This is what you accomplished that day. You may have taken the lives of people we love, but you created a generation of people who are stronger, smarter and more passionate about accomplishing their dreams. People like me whose mind is set to bring compassion, peace and hope to every generation after.

Sometimes I want to ask you - How does it feel to know that you strengthened the very people you believed were so weak?

Dear Ryan

2007-09-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

I was in love with you. No, I worshiped the grown you walked on, pretty much my entire youth. I think deep down you knew, behind your "I'm just a good christian boy" altitude. Every week, twice a week, I would get excited just to see your face and hear you play music in the church band. But, I was just this girl in the youth, your sister.
You missed out. You missed out on the best thing that could've happened for you. I admit, years later, and now, happily engaged, I'm still bitter. I find you on myspace, just to look at your pictures and get bitter, to look at her face. The girl who's obviously something I'm not, something that I couldn't live up to. I see her face, and get even angrier.

You told me Ryan, you told me you couldn't date because you weren't ready, but why is it, right after you told me that, you met this girl. I'm over you, I'm not still in love with you the way I was, when you'd flirt with me with your eyes, I'm over you, I'm just not over the fact that for four years, you lead me on, telling me that we'd date when you were ready, leading me on by telling me I was beautiful... then.. you signed my yearbook, Junior year, with "Love you thru Christ, SISTER"

I still remember when I met him, the actual one, the one who was really worth it, you then tried to come around, "do you want to get lunch maybe sometime".. no thanks jerk, I've actually got a real man to eat with now. how exciting would it have been anyways? What would we have talked about? Your Arrogant self, or maybe your Guitar, or maybe even how great of a christian you are, because I know you LOOVED hearing that.
Where are you going this summer? El Salvador?
Ryan, you suck. Why did I waste my time loving you?

Dear Amanda

2007-09-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

I am IN LOVE with you. I think you know. Will you ever be able to forgive me for feeling this way? I'm so sorry.

Dear M

2007-09-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

I can't get over our breakup. My life crumbled the day you ended it and I just can't pick up the pieces. I know we are supposed to be working on things,but I can no longer do this in your time-frame. If you wanted me there I would be there.I can't move forward while I am still hoping for a future with you.After we get back from our trip I am going to have to let go. My plan is to enjoy every second of the trip and your company. I am going to kiss you hug you ,put my hand on the back of your neck,I am going to do all of things I took for granted.When we say goodbye,it will be GOODBYE.
I will love you always,

Dear Miss Jordan

2007-09-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that our friendship had to end. I know I should've explained myself better before I just deleted and blocked you on everything. It just hurt so much, knowing that I had already been replaced, and that I was just a rebound friend. Thats not how friendship should work.

When you came to visit me for Christmas and then again for spring, it was one of the most awesome memories I'll ever have of our friendship. I hope you don't hate me, I hope you don't not like me, I just hope you understand that our friendship sort of changed after you became a real person, instead of just an online person.

I felt like you just used me for a time when she wasnt in your life. Now, shes back in your life and you're happy. I'm happy for you. I should've given you some explanation. I should've.

Know that now, I'm happy. He's gonna ask me to marry him and that makes me happy, and we're even looking for a house! Its crazy how life treats you. Maybe one day in the far future, we'll be friends again. Then we'll be happy.

ASH

2007-08-31T16:56:00.000-07:00

Why will you fuck me but not make-out with me?
Ever?

I know you love me [after one year and five months, it's not hard to] but you make me feel like trash when you want to get straight to the "ol' in-out-in-out" but won't even at least KISS me beforehand.

Dear Dad

2007-08-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I could never call you that, although you were the closest I ever had. Even at 12, I knew he wouldn't be a dad ever again, but I still couldn't. I am so glad that I hugged you and told you I loved you that day that we ate breakfast together. Whenever I think of you, I picture you sitting there, talking animatedly and smiling. We were all so happy. You were excited for us.

Now you are gone. And so are we. Would you be proud? Or feel let down? I want to cry so much about all the things you are missing. I see things daily that make me think of you. I see so many beautiful things that you would love and will never get to experience. So many beautiful places you never got to see. I see the changes in the world that you were always hoping for: a growing awareness of the impact we have on the environment, a greater drive for acceptance of others. I can only cry when I think about how excited you would be about the specter of change.

Would you be proud of us? Would you feel we were pursuing a dream or abandoning our family? Based on our last conversation, I think you would say were are pursuing a dream. I think that you recognized that life is short and you need to take risks sometimes to get what you want. Ironic, since you only had a week left to live.
I still have your baseball mitt. The summer before the accident, Mom brought some stuff over for a yard sale. The mitt was in there, and I kept it out. It's in box, waiting for the right person. Waiting for someone who will use it and will listen when we tell stories about you. Unfortunately, that person will never be able to know how wonderful you really were, how you gave up your own dreams in order to be with my family. We became your dream, and I thank you.

I see you everywhere. In the mountains. In the lazy currents of a river in summer. In the waves crashing down and washing away the shore. In the way a dragonfly darts through the yard.

I don't believe in God. I don't believe we will ever meet again on some otherworldly cloud. But I do believe that you are always with me, in the earth and the ocean and the life that thrives around me. I just with you could see it all with me.

Dear Topher Grace

2007-08-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

We should go on a date. My husband won't mind. OK, so he might a little upset - but if you pose for a picture with him, he'll be totally cool with it and then we can be on our way.

You are funny and not a publicity whore. This is attractive. I also am funny and not a publicity whore. Also, lets not forget that I have a hot bod. I read any interview with you that I come across and I giggle (I e-mail them to my husband and he giggles too.) I eagerly anticipate Kids in America. Perhaps you need a red carpet date? I'm available. If you're interested, I'll be here.

Sincerely,
HotButteredPopcorn

Ps. If you're not interested, please pass this letter onto Johnny Depp.. or Jake Gyllenhall...or you know, even Michael Cera (he's young for me, but I could probably teach him a thing or two.) Just cross out the parts about you and fill them in with equally flattering and witty things. I trust your abilities.

Dear Kyle

2007-08-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

I cheated on you while you were in Iraq. You've known about it for a long time. And we decided together to never bring it up again. Even though this happened about a year and a half ago. So, why did you bring it up again last night?

You sat there and told me you pretty much want an open marriage. I know I owe you one. What I did was completely wrong. And I regret it everyday. You even told me you wanted to try to get my sister. I know you want to sleep with her. And I told you if she makes the move, I wouldn't care. But for you to not even care that it's my sister, well... it just makes me sick. It would be different if you were with some other girl. Why her?

You tore my heart in pieces last night. But, I'm with you because I know, it's either that or you'll leave me. I love you so much. I can't even imagine ever being apart from you.

Dear Mom

2007-08-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I could or should call you that. You gave me up when I was born. I spent so many years hating you that I never did say Thank you. I hope that giving up my sister and I was a sacrifice. I am glad that I have her. She is the most amazing person in my life. I love her so much.

I have to say that if you worried that I wouldn't have a great life, I do. It is filled with the trials and tribulations of an ever day American sailor. I know, I wasn't raised in Portugal. My new family moved to America. It is a home that i have swore a oath to die protecting.

I don't know what I would say to you if we ever met. I look for you everytime I visit. I look rather for myself and my sister in every women that walks by.

I wanted to say that i am almost over my fear of abandonment (you gave that to me), my fear of failure and my desire to separate myself from everyone that loves me. I am sorry to say, I think those are the only things you gave me besides my tendency to gain weight around the middle and my big feet.

I m tall you know, and people say that Im pretty. I am smart and happy. My real parents love me. They put up the lying stage ( I am still outgrowing), the suicide attempt( I wasn't always happy) and all the other problems that come from having adopted daughter. I am happy and I think on the verge of normalcy.

I just wanted to say that I am okay. I didn't forget you and hope that you didn't forget us. I hope that you think about me everyday. I hope that you love us still. I hope that you don't have a new family that you replaced us with. I hope that we weren't just mistakes. I hope that you know our fathers and that they mattered. I hope you weren't a prostitute. I hope a lot of things, I just wish that you would find me and tell me everything Ive been wondering about?

Oh and do I have another other brothers and sisters?

Love
your daughter,
Navygirl 03,04,1983

Dear J

2007-08-08T07:18:00.001-07:00

I sometimes have dreams where you kill yourself, and it's all my fault.

And

Even though I broke up with you,
Even though I don't love you,
Even though I hide in the bathroom when we cross paths,
Even though I am afraid of what you might do to me or the ones I love,
Even though I avoid any communication with you,

I don't want you to die.

Dear World

2007-08-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't been seeing many friends or family (other than my parents) lately, and they're starting to wonder what's up. I told everyone in my community that I underwent an emergency surgery to remove an abscess in my uterus and am bed-ridden at my parents' house, when in reality, I got liposuction on my torso area. I've always been self-conscious about my body, but am too embarrassed to admit having undergone plastic surgery. I still have some swelling and am in major pain, but I'm thrilled with the results. No one will suspect anything, and for that, I'm grateful! Be wise...Tell Lies! :-)

Dear God

2007-08-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I saw you last. You used to follow me around like a lost puppy, and I found that comforting. Now, I’m lucky if I get a glimpse of you in the morning as I walk to school. I know I was never very religious, but you were always there for me anyway. Through the good times and especially for the bad, you were there and you always heard my prays. Where have you been lately? I thought that out of all the things that change, my relationship with you would remain a constant. But it seems like one day you were there all around me and now I can’t find you at all.

Hell, I even went a church in search of you. All I found was a racist, wife beating preacher, who claimed that the poor people of the church had to donate to him so his kids could have new clothes and his family could go to Puerto Rico. The preacher said that he knew the word of God. He said that you didn’t like the gays or people who have gotten abortions. He claimed that all the people who weren’t christen would burn in Hell. I knew you weren’t there.

Where did you get off to? Are you just taking a few years off? Cause the world has gone to shit and it seems that I’m not the only one who can’t find you. Do you think this is funny, like one big game of hide and seek? I love you so much God. But when I can’t see you anymore it makes it harder to believe in you. I used to be able to see you in the miracle of a sunrise. Now, all I can see is pollution. I could hear you in the breezes that cooled me in the summer. Now, all I can hear babies crying and car alarms. I used to be able to smell you in the crisp November mornings. Now, all I can smell are cigarettes and dog shit.

Where do you get off ditching the whole fucking world?! I need you, just like everyone else and not a fucking soul can find you! All the people around me have given up hope in finding you and have found weed and anti- depressants. I don’t want something to fill up the hole, I want there to be no hole. I’m so fucking tired and I haven’t even gotten into the “real world” yet. WHERE ARE YOU?! I need you. I need something that I can see, touch, feel, taste. But you’re no longer tangible. Hell, you’re not even intangible! You’re just not there.

Everyone I talk to says that you disappearing is just part of growing up. That it’s like a rite of passage. I refuse to accept that. I had you once, and I know I will find a way to be close to you again. You’re not Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny, which dissolves into just some of the falsities of childhood. You’re God! I could hear, see, and smell you! You were in everything I did; you laid witness to all of my greatness and all of my failures. Where in the fuck are you? I can’t lose you like I lose my keys, or cell phone. You should be here all of the time, my own personal savior, my own personal religion. I hope you get this letter. Because I really need you back.

Dear Dad

2007-08-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't take the time to wake up like normal and say good morning. Maybe if I had you'd still be here. I'm not angry at you, but I'm sad that you're missing out on everything dads are meant to be here for. I can drive now, I've finished my first year doing law at uni and I hope you'd be proud. God I miss you. XXX.

Dear Kyle

2007-07-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ive had enough of you, you need to stop sending letters to her. Shes mine now, get over it, please. She still talks about you, she thinks about you quite a bit. And im jealous, im jealous of you. I hate you. I cant stand to think about you two making love, I cant stand it. I cry every time. I can see it in her eyes when she touches me, shes not thinking about me. I got so angry the last time, I was just laying there, holding her close listening to our hearts beat fast. Then I saw her tears, my heart started pounding and I hated you, because I knew she was thinking about you. I told her that it was all okay, I told her that I understood. I don't.

I know what she said to you, I know how she told you that she couldn't wait to make love to you. And this is taking so much time for her to get over you. But im waiting. But every letter you write and every word you say makes it harder and harder for her to be happy. Fuck off dude, you guys are over.

Finger on the fucking trigger.

Dear President Bush

2007-07-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

A lot of people hate you, but I don’t think you’re a bad guy at all. I think everyone’s just jumping on the bandwagon of assuming you’re an asshole. I wouldn’t be so quick to do that. After all, we’ve never even met, so I have no idea what kind of a person you really are. But you seem to me to be a guy who sticks to his guns, who cares about his country and the people in it, and who has a good sense of humor, which is important when you’re President. I also happen to agree with a lot of your politics, which certainly doesn’t hurt. But even though I don’t agree with everything you’ve said or done, I think you have done your best for the American people and I think more people need to remember back to those few weeks after 9/11 when you stepped up to the plate for America. I think too many people have forgotten that.

SweetOne

2007-07-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

I thought it was time for you to come to me. I guess I was wrong. I was in a hurry and you knew to wait despite my impatience. I long to hold you, to kiss your cheek, to hold your tiny hand in mine. I want to whisper your name to you in the dark as I cradle you, and sing the lullabies I have written for you.

I am sad. I thought you were on your way, I read about how you were growing, I even talked to you a little. But I am also hopeful. Because I know that one day you will come to me. You will fill my mother-arms, and my mother-heart and I will long for you no more -- because you will be here, with me at last.

So I am sad, not truly and not for long, but just sad that it is not time. Again.

I love you, already and always. I am, forever, your mother.

Dear Grandma (good grandma. best grandma)

2007-07-18T14:20:00.001-07:00

Ever since you passed away I haven't even been to a Hardees. All I can think about is when I would wake up and you would say, "Hey Lynny!" and you'd have gotten the biscuits and gravy from there.

The night you died I came and saw you. You could no longer speak. I told you I was going to graduate. I was going to go to college. I was going to follow all of my dreams, just like you would always tell me to.

Two years have gone by, and I did not graduate on time. I am currently enrolled in a Summer Program to make up my missing credit. I have applied to zero colleges. I have not taken the SAT. I wonder if I have disappointed you. I am so sorry.

You told me you wish you could've saw my play. You died two weeks before it opened. I performed that night for you. All of those nights for you. I wish you could've saw. It was my last big moment on that stage.

At your funeral I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. They would not stop playing "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong." I can't bring myself to even hear one sentence of that song anymore.

Grandma.
Frances.
You were and are the strongest woman I know.
You live on forever within me.
I believe in guardian angels because you are mine.
I miss you everyday.
I could say all the words in the world, but they would never bring you back.
I hope there is a Heaven, and I hope you're there making lasagne for everyone.
Your lasagne was always the best.
I love you.

Aidan

2007-07-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Veuillez le dire donc selon
Que vous estes benigne et doulche,
Car ce doulx mot n'est pas si long
Qu'il vous face mal en la bouche

Dear English Teacher

2007-07-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

Mid-July, and I'm sorry to say I'm doing just as poorly as before, if not more so. You told me to email you if i needed to vent, and I find that I can't even do that; I feel I need an excuse to contact you, because why would you want to hear from a downer like me? The sad part is, I know you wouldn't ever think that about me, and you are only concerned. It's me though; it has always been my fault, you know, this kind of thing. I get down on myself enough times, and eventually I come to believe the horrid slander that seemingly constantly occupies my mind is truth. Honest to god, I believe it with all my heart. That is why I can't bring myself to dump more burden onto anyone else's shoulders, even if it means prolonging my life.

I know you wouldn't like to hear that either. You've always contested my view of myself, even when it was unintentional on my part to reveal such to you, and said how I was such a clever girl. Yeah, easy to appear clever in a class of seriously average, mildly dim-witted teenagers whose deepest thoughts pan out to be what their plans for this weekend are and how they hate their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, or how they got so drunk last weekend. I also know that most of these kids respected me, at least in the setting of our loud, sometimes haphazard english class, and did look to me as the voice of reason at times. The truth is, your class is the only one I liked, despite a few crying episodes from the back corner and some seriously scarcastic remarks. I think you know that though, because I never made it a secret that I loved english, only that I loved the class as well.

Looking back on the past year, I can't imagine how you could ever consider me to be a smart girl. Honestly, I'm throwing my life away, and I can't say depression is a valid excuse for such. I'm imfamous, we both know it. It's funny, really. Everyone comes to me with their stories of weekend exploits, because surely everyone knows about my suspensions, not to mention trouble with the law. The sad thing is, I haven't stopped, or slowed. No, see, the way I figure, I'm not going to make it past age 20 (at the oldest). I'm never going to make it to an age where what I do is acceptable, if that even exists, so I might as well live while I can. As you said, some people can afford to lose brain cells, and some people cannot. Despite that, I know that my actions just add to my pending downfall.

I've been put on, and taken myself off of, an antidepressant already. I just didn't feel like me on it, and I know you would understand what I mean when I say that. Yes, I remember the conversation we had about feeding depression, and I know I must play right into it. And yet, I find myself thinking about death constantly. The medicine didn't help that; in actuality, it just made me consider it more seriously. I know what you would say, that this gets better, that once I get out of high school and make it into the real world things will be right for me, and that other people have made it out of this too. The problem is, I just don't see myself being strong enough to bear this much longer. I'm weak, and I hurt the people who love me. Most people never change, and I don't see myself as one of the exceptions to any extent. I know talking to you would help, but I really can't bring myself to contact you.

I hope your summer is going smoothly, and am still grateful for your encouragement to send me into honors next year. English my only non-honors last year, and it wasn't because I didn't have the grade to get into honors; in a self-typical way, I happily contributed to my under accheving. Despite that, I am so grateful to have been a student under your direction, and wouldn't change my decision to be in English II for any dollar amount or bribery of illicit substances. That was the most painful thing, really, how you knew I could be such an amazing student, yet I failed to even attempt it. I missed handing in major projects, inculding the midterm, and came to your class more than a few times mentally altered. You knew that; I don't think you were angry either. I just want to make you aware that I understand how my self-sabatoge hurt you and that I am so infinitely sorry for it.

If I don't make it, I hope someone recognizes my letter and directs you to it. I know, apon reading it, one person who would probably know not only who I am, but who I am refering to as "English Teacher," and I know she would give this to you if I asked her to. If not, I could always mention it in my suicide note, simply to bring it to her attention, and she would follow through for me. I would hope that this wouldn't hurt you more, and that you could some how understand what I mean when I say that I can't continue on in this manner. I know you wouldn't be angry at me, and if at all, only at a wasted life and possible future interrupted. Please, forgive me and this. I know this may all seem heavy, so I'm sorry, but I just had to let you know how I feel.

Thanks for crossing the teacher-student boundries and trying to reach out to me, because it really did help. You were an amazing teacher, and despite anything anyone might say or what you might think, you're not a "soft" teacher. It was a joy to be your student, and you taught me some things I don't think I'll ever forget. Thank you for all you've done.

Dear MJ

2007-07-13T03:56:00.000-07:00

The night you told me that I didn't know you was a cold one.

But you were wrong.

I do know you.

I know your dreams. For fame and happiness and a house with a waterfront view. I know your goals. To go to Yale or Columbia. To become a reknown journalist and travel the world.

I know your fears. The way you get smaller in a crowd of people. And you told me yourself, your greatest fear was ignorance. I know the way you put your sleeves over your hands when you get scared, and how you bite your lip.

I know the exact way your brow furrows when something (me) confuses you.

I know how condescending you can get. How irritating and patronizing you can be, just because you're more brilliant than anyone else.

I know that you are amazing. How was it that one little blonde girl could make such an impact in my life? I never expected you. Where the hell was I before you? In the middle of a self-induced nightmare. The things I did. The girls I did. God. Was I really that stupid?

I know that your favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird, and your favorite play is Pygmalion. I know that you love spicy foods and chocolate (but not together) and you really love movies. I know you hate small spaces, big crowds, and talking on the phone. And you drink WAYYYYY too much coffee.

I know that you dab your pizza with a napkin before you eat it, to get the grease off. You hate grease. And that you get impatient in long lines. I know that you love Autumn the best. And that you only paint your toenails, never your fingernails. But I don't know why. I know you've never been kissed before. I know that you are better than anyone else. And YOU know that too.

I know that you are angry at your parents, and that you love your brother despite everything. I know that you don't have a big social circle, but the friends you do have... you would jump in front of a bullet for them. I know that you are that kind of loyal and loving.

I know that you try to make apathy your mask, to protect yourself. I guess to protect yourself from people like me. But you know, it doesn't work. I can see right through.

I know that you don't wear makeup, except mascara and lip stuff on special occasions. And I know you don't need it at all. I know you don't think much of yourself physically, and it doesn't matter much to you. But I think you're beautiful.

I know that you like lilies, and Converse shoes. And that you can beat anyone in a burping contest. I know you wish you were taller. I know that you won't let anyone get in the way of your solid future. I know that you are a planner - organized and prepared. I know that you don't approve of high school "relationships".

I know your eyes are the color of the coffee you constantly drink, and you are disgusted by "AIM" speak. I know that you need to lighten up sometimes. You're only sixteen, and so serious. I know that you smell really nice.

I know that I could go on forever. M, I do know you. But the most important thing is not that I know YOU, but that you know THIS:

I love you.

Dear Zack Short

2007-07-12T04:28:00.000-07:00

We all have regrets in life. My biggest regret is not opening your letters to me after you had broken my heart. Your brother eventually told me that She had lied and the baby wasn't even yours. I'm sure your letters would have mentioned that fact - but I couldn't open them. I carried each one around for weeks, unopened. I would hold them and look at your handwriting. But I had been so totally devastated when you broke it off with me that I couldn't bring myself to risk my heart again. I was too afraid of what those letters might contain. It's been 30 years. And still there is a part of me that has never, and probably will never forget you. I listen to the oldies station, and can't help but smile and think of you whenever I hear "Rubberband Man". Remember that? I really was just a child back then, young and foolish. But the years have proven that what I felt for you was real, genuine, true love.

I doubt you will read this. But maybe someone else will. Maybe they will tell you about it. If you do decide to find me, it really isn't difficult. You can even just "google" my name. I tried to google you, but it didn't help.

I hope life has been good to you. I wish I could have been...........

Aidan

2007-07-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Even if you have,
Even if you need ...
I don't even care,
We don't have to breed.

To my best friend and the woman I love

2007-07-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

In the past few years I have grown to love you more than ever imaginable. Each day I've spent with you our love has grown deeper and deeper and I am constantly amazed at how completely giving and loving you are. You are truly the most beautiful and genuine person I have ever met and will ever meet. You are my best friend, my life and my love. You are the only person meant for me and I'm reminded of that more and more every day.

You have truly blessed me with your generosity of spirit, gentle nature, and unabashed love each day we are together. As cheesy as it is to say, You have made me the man I am today. We have created some beautiful memories that I know will follow us into our lives together and I look forward to many more with you.

When we met five years ago, I immediately was attracted to you and your arresting green eyes, your sense of grace, your delicate nature and your inner strength. I remember vividly meeting you for the first time and thinking, "Uh Oh, I'm in trouble. She is amazing." When I asked you to marry me, I meant it. It is the truth. I hope we can maintain that sense of truth and honesty with each other. What I am trying to communicate in this letter is that I believe you are the most amazing person I've ever met and that since we are to marry next year, I deeply believe that you are worthy of my complete honesty.

I have something very important to share with you -- something I tell you out of love. Something I could never truly trust myself to articulate with any amount of clarity with my voice. Something I needed you to know before we are married. In order for our marriage to survive as open and honest as possible, I tell you this because I value the integrity of our relationship. I want to be completely upfront from now
on.

The next sentence is possibly the hardest thing I will ever say to you, and I understand if you want to end our relationship as it is. I have experimented sexually with two men in my past. It is my deepest, darkest secret.

Writing that statement makes me feel nauseous because it is something I have never said to anyone before -- something I could never admit to myself much less anyone I deeply love, for fear that admitting this will cause undue stress in your life. My hands are shaking as I write this. It is important that you know that I am not gay, but I am not 100% heterosexual. I hate myself for keeping this from you for so long. I fall in the middle, and as such it has been even harder to reveal to anyone.

Growing up, I was extremely confused by sexual feelings for both women and men. I longed to be either completely straight or completely gay. In my mind, it would've been easier to admit one or the other. I couldn't identify with either group. As a result of being in the middle, I tried to shelter those individuals around me, as well as my own emotional health, and never pursued relationships with either. I love sex with a woman -- especially you and only you. I enjoy it and desire you constantly. You are amazing in bed. Yet, the fact that I harbor this secret is destroying me inside. It's the most confusing thing I will ever deal with, yet it is
something that is undeniably the most important thing I could ever tell you besides, "I love you."

I have been completely monogamous with you and will continue to be. There is no question of that. Everything I have ever said to you is the truth, I simply need to tell you this so that we can live our lives together truly knowing the other person on a much deeper level, for I could never be happy in our relationship knowing that you do not completely know me as a human being -- inside and out. I fear that if I weren't to tell you this now, it would only cause undue suffering within our relationship in the future and ultimately break us apart. I don't want that. I want you to know me better than any human can possibly know.

After reading this I accept the possibility that you will no longer want to marry me, nor would I wish that you stay with me if this knowledge would be detrimental to your happiness in life. I want you to be happy no matter what and believe that you are deserving of complete and utter happiness/bliss. I believe in my heart that deeper love can only come from me admitting this to you before we are married rather than revealing it to you later. You make me completely happy and I want you to have the same.

Now that you know this about me, I can be completely open with you and move on with our lives together. This is what I wish for beyond anything in the world, but I remain completely understanding if this is not the same for you. I hope that once you read this, you can look at me the same way as before with your beautiful green eyes. Only this time, I will know and you will know that the person you see is exactly the
person I am.

The truth is, I love you and want to be with you and you only. I want us to be husband and wife. I want us to have children and grow old together. Our future together is important to me. However, I realize the implications of this and will understand your decision.

No matter what, know this: I love you.

Dear X - Thank You

2007-07-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

You are never going to know how much of a difference you have made in my life, because I'm too shy to tell you and I'm afraid that if I tried you wouldn't believe me.

You made me face my demons through writing them down, something I had never wanted to accept before. And I was able to move forward and not let them control me--because of you.

I'm not the girl you met two years ago, or the girl you drew out of her shell a year ago. Thanks to you, I was able to come out to my mother. She'd been coaxing me for two years and I was so angry and afraid I couldn't face it. But last October I finally told her.

In all of our lives, I have seen you for twelve days. By August it will be eighteen days, if I'm lucky. I know you wouldn't believe me if I told you how much you've meant to me, because we hardly know each other. But you really have given me so much.

A year ago you gave me a book of your poetry. A small, independent book with thirty pages and a lotus on the front. What you don't know is that I keep it in the drawer in my bedside table, and I've read it so much that it's bent and the pages are slightly darkened from all the wear.

You have a beautiful, amazing spirit. You gave my life new purpose. And I'll always remember that.

Thank you.

And I will write this down and then,
I will not be alone again--
Yeah, I was out here listening all the time.
--Dar Williams

Dear Frank

2007-07-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

I don't think I ever told you: those two years were the happiest of my life. Even though it has been decades since I last saw you, you're still the one I love. I'm so sad that you're not here, but I'm so happy and grateful that I had a chance to know you and love you. You brought me back from the precipice. You brought me back to life.

Words cannot express how much I love and revere you. I miss you every day,
but though I am lonely, I would rather be your widow than anyone else's wife. Thank you so much for loving me. I count the days until we are together again, my love.

Dear B.

2007-07-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

Since you went to heaven 4 years ago things have changed. It wasn't that my life was great, but since then it sucks..
I have my good times. And even more bad times. I struggle with life, with food, with my self esteem, with my parents, with my sister. Well, you've probably seen it all from upstairs.. And I don't say that you made it happen, it's just that I miss you, and when you would be here
things might have been different.. We could have talked about it and it would all be gone, instead of growing bigger and bigger..

I'm just so freaking perfectionistic.. I know.. And I don't know how to change it. I feel like I failed in school, with love and with achieving what my parents want me to achieve.. Just because I'm not the best, but second best. So I try to control whatever I can, and even that fails, because I get hungry and start eating again.. nd I just want to be happy again, and stop being so freaky..

And now.. I think I'm starting to develop a crush on your brother.. I can't fall in love with him! First of all because I really don't know how to open myself up for anyone, because I'm scared all the crap will come out.. And second of all, what if he doesn't like me? It would be so awkward! And we are so totally different..

I don't know how to fix it.. I don't know how to fix myself.. And I do know that I should see a shrink to talk about my problems, but I'm afraid of what my family will say.. Let alone what your brother will think if he would find out..

I'm scared and broken..

Bye my best friend..

Dear Wolfgang

2007-07-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

You are my everything. I know that you love me, but I'm so scared that that will someday end. We can't predict the future, but if I could have one wish, I would like to know if you would love me forever. Then I could prepare myself if the answer is no.

Thank you for loving me. You make all the difference in this world. I love you.

Dear Emily

2007-06-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

PLEASE LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE. PLEASE.
I've waited for him while he's off with the Navy.
I've called him every night.
I've written the letters.
I've cried myself to sleep waiting for him to come home.
When he finally returns you expect him to hang around you.
You treat me like I'm a monster.
Please, I am in love with this man.
Please, stop making me feel like i'm doing something wrong.
Please stop texting him,
Leaving him all these messages.
Please.
Please.
Just give me a break.

Dear Raymond

2007-06-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

We've been best friends for six years. You left for Iraq a while ago. Since you've been gone, I've had a horrible feeling that you won't make it home alive.

Please come home, so I can finally tell you how much I love you. I don't know what I would do without you.

Dear Cleo Phillips

2007-06-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

of Rogers Middle School
Spencer, OK

I have to admit, I don't remember much from our textbook of your American Civics class. But I remember you and the life lessons you taught us.

1) Out of all you're getting, get an understanding.

2) If you don't like the way something is done in your community, change it.

3) If you don't vote, you have no right to complain about the way things turn out.

I am an adult now with a family and a mortgage and a community that I feel responsible for. It is you I credit for teaching me that my participation matters, that my opinion matters and that I am smart enough to make a difference.

I've tried to find you to thank you in person for what you did for me and my other classmates 23 years ago, but you've disappeared. It's a shame, because you deserve to be remembered. You should know that you made a wonderful difference in the life of that 12 year old girl.

Those were tough times at a tough school with no money. No doubt many teachers today face the same obstacles. But you are proof that the quality and character of teachers matter far more than what our education budgets show and that even unruly, ungrateful children can become productive, appreciative adults if they just have adults like you who believe in them and are willing to stand firm when others would walk away.

Wherever you are Mr. Phillips, THANK YOU. I hope you see this.

Dear Open Letter

2007-06-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for having this wonderful website. In the process of writing my letter, I find 2 letters that sum up mine perfectly.

The "Dear Eric" post on Sunday, June 03, 2007 perfectly captures the feelings i hold for my ex. It was like it was written by me it's so uncanny!

Second, the "Dear Jim" letter posted Wednesday, June 06, 2007, perfectly describes the relationship i have with my current boyfriend/manfriend/Master. However, i am a woman, and my Master is a man, so change out the gender bits, and it's perfect.

It's because of my ex that i have my current relationship. My ex is a fuck that wanted me more "experienced" since i haven't dated much, and found me a "sexual trainer". not so long after that, i dump the ex, and i gain a wonderful relationship that i've JUST started to think of me deserving such wonderful treatment, over a year and half later. i hope that person that wrote the "Dear Jim" is having just at much fun and is feeling as special as i do when i'm with my special guy.

Dear narcissistic cow

2007-06-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what could possibly cause you to pick my ex-boyfriend that you went out with first that manipulated you, over me.

When you two were 'dating', no, I wouldn't even call it dating. Standing a courtyard holding hands ISN'T dating. When he 'broke up with you' I pretended to really care. But I didn't. He was an asshole and I hated him. When he asked me out for the billionth time, I dated him to make him shutup. The relationship lasted two weeks. He told me he loved me, and was a ridiculous, obsessive, narcisstic, skinny white boy trying to be like 50 Cent. The moment he told me he loved, all I could think about was 'What have I gotten myself into?' So I broke up with him.

Over myspace.
Because in my opinion, he didn't deserve the dignity of being broken up with in person.
Any guy that still uses 'lul' and 'omg' doesn't deserve to be broken up with in person.
Maybe shot, but they shouldn't have dignity.
He accused you of convincing me to break up with him.
And he hurt you. Again.

And then you decided that you were 'still in love with him'.
And I gave you an ultimatum: Him, or me.
You choose him.
Over one of your closest friends.
I heard from another one of your ex-boyfriends that you wanted to have sex with him.
After dating him for a week. You said he made you feel whole.
A guy that has manipulated you MANY times shouldn't make you feel whole.

You called me immature, and a bitch, and said how horrible I was for not giving your relationship with my ex-boyfriend a chance, but secretly, I'm glad that I didn't.

When he broke up with you again two weeks later; I was ecstatic.
Finally the bitch got what she deserved.

And in the end, I have my dignity, and you still wanted to have sex with him.

I don't know if you did.
I'm not really interested.

All I want is for you to feel the same kind of rejection that I felt when you picked him over me.

Dear Jerry Falwell

2007-06-16T07:32:00.001-07:00

I hope there is a special area of hell reserved for fat, hypocritical bigots to burn. I hope you brought sunscreen. Good riddance, you fat fuck.