Monday, March 7, 2011

Dear Little Moon

Tomorrow you will celebrate your fifth birthday. I won't say that it doesn't seem possible because it does. In fact, you sometimes act wise beyond the five years and your wondering questions send a shock through me. Already, you are curious about death, God, love and old age. I don't know how you are handling it, but I am exhausted now just recalling our conversations. I stumble over what to say to you because so much of those things are still a wonder to me. I want to give you solid answers, but I find I am incapable of lying to you. There are a lot of "I don't know"s tossed out there by me and I have to hope it will be enough until I can come up with a way to explain such things. Will that day come?

Speaking of world peace and such, your favorite cartoon is Pink Panther. Yesterday you told me that you wish he could come live with us so that you could teach him some manners and so he wouldn't bother "the white guy" in the show. I love that you have no idea how that sentence sounds. At this point in your life you have no idea what racism or sexism or homophobia is. You picked a Barbie with your Ma Lynn at the store and later pointed out to her that the Barbie was black. Just something you noticed at the later moment during play. This Barbie has on a pink shirt and she's black. You have also mentioned that two of your dolls are in love with each other, that you don't understand slavery (even after I explained it to you) and that daddies really should be allowed to stay at home like mommies. Now if I could just put you in a bubble and keep you this way forever, I could sleep at night.

You truly are a beautiful girl, into much of the typical little girl things like the color pink, princesses and fairies. You are into all the things I was not, which has got to be some sort of karma bouncing back. There are many days that I wish my sister were here so she could squeal in delight with you at the Disney Store. I wish she was telling you that her bedroom was pink and that she loved her Baby Alive Doll. You two would be quite the pair. But until we move closer to my family, I am able to avoid that inevitable awkward conversation when you learn that I used my Barbie Townhouse as shelving for my books.

That's not to say that we don't have the strongest of bonds. In your insecure times, I get you. You say a sentence of angst and I understand it in the core of my chest. You don't like being away from me or your dad at all. Not even for school. I was that kid too. Would rather have stayed at home with my mom any day rather than go to school. Even when I had friends Even if school was fun. However... you have to go. One day you will see that as a simple truth and you will be glad your dad and I make you go.

You are a shy one. Many tears are shed over large family gatherings and school performances. You might never be the first girl to run onto a stage but you will be the girl who appreciates the applause, loves the show and comes back for more. It takes you a while to warm up to anything that involves you being the center of attention. As a self proclaimed backstage worker, I get that too but sometimes it's hard because, as your mom, I am so proud of you, think you are so talented that it's hard for me to not want you right there in front where everyone can experience the marvel that is you.

Speaking of those talents, you are a great singer. You learn the words, you hit the notes and you truly enjoy singing. You also have an uncanny ability to mimic accents and remember movie lines as well as any movie buff I know. I try not to cry like a fool when you sing a song from my youth because you learned it from Shrek. But when you dance around the room to London Calling, I think your father and I both feel like we have done something so very right that tears are appropriate.

Your sense of style is whimsical. You love a glitter here, a ruffle there. Matching colors are irrelevant and comfort is key. I like that about you. I like that you see clothes as fun and have no desire to copy anyone else. I hear that changes, but for now, I enjoy it.

In the last couple of months you have come into your role as sister to your little brother. I nearly had a stroke when I heard you say that he was your best friend. I clearly remember the not so distant past when you told me you didn't like being a big sister because it was too hard. Being the youngest in my family, I felt the need to explain the trials of being the younger sibling, which I think you took to mean "Mommy loves your brother better". Because it was not that long ago that you also asked me why I find him so adorable and not you anymore. That question nearly broke my heart and I wanted to call my mother for the 1000th time and apologize for my teen years. But if I fail you in other ways during this parenting gig, know that it is only because I was so intent on getting that part right. He is your friend. Ignore anyone else who says siblings can't be best friends. You can and you are. It will be the greatest thing in your life to have that true friend. Will he piss you off more than anyone else? Yes. Will he still be there when no one else is? Yes. But he adores you, that little guy. I see him trying out your words, your tricks. His cars talk to your princesses because he just wants to be near you. You sing and he smiles, you make a face and he laughs. Through all your future fights I will remind of these days when he tells you that you are so pretty and funny and he hugs you because he knows you love him.

Your dad got me a Wii for Christmas. This is funny in itself - the notion that a gaming console is "mine". As if I would be the one using it the most. As with any other game I have played with you, your competitive nature rises up quickly during our bowling and sword fighting. Because of this, our biggest battle has been between your Win Or Flail and Cry attitude and my determination that you will not be a Quitter. It's all I can do to stop myself from quoting Martin Luther King Jr or Henry Ford or ... your grandfather - anything that will drive into your head that failing while trying is totally cool but giving up without giving it your all is... well, a path that leads to living in someone's basement well into your 30's.

Life has been good for you these five years, It's so good that your dad and I often wish were were you. And just when I think you don't get it, you tell me you NEVER want to grow up because you will have to grow old and stop playing like you do now. Today you even cried about it and told me that you want to be five years old, but you want to keep me always with you. I wish I had recorded that because when you start having to change my diapers one day, you might re-think that. But today I reveled in it. I I love life through your eyes. And I love you more today than yesterday.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Dear Fiona

I know you cheated on me. And that you still are, probably. I gave up my entire life for you. My friends, my family, my house and my job. I was celibate for two years for you, spent thousands of pounds to travel thousands of miles to be with you. And this is how you repay me. With dishonesty, with lies and deceit. I would have loved you more than life itself. All you've ever done is mess me around and break my heart. I KNOW what you did, I KNOW what you're up to, and I will NEVER EVER forgive you.
I wish we'd never met.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dear Tiger Woods

That's gonna leave a mark.

- A Concerned Fan

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Dear Boy I thought would change for her

It’s been about a year since we stopped dating because you fucked me around so much. A year since I found out you would cheat on me with anyone you could. A year since I realised I could demand better from boys. And since then I’ve found someone that is beautiful to me – who loves me more than anything in the world. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But I know that you’re cheating on your new Girlfriend. I know because I read your emails. I know your dirty secret. I know that she doesn’t know. Just like I didn’t know. And even though I hated her so much when you first started dating because I wasn’t over you – I now know that that girl is in my position. We are the same person.

I’m going to rat you out. I’m going to tell her what scum you are and how she needs to break free from your cheating ass. She is going to know everything – and I’m determined that this time you won’t get away with it. You can’t be faithful – you will never change.

Isn’t revenge sweet?

Friday, April 3, 2009

The fellow I wrote off

Thank you. You were there with me through it all, every last bit of it. I never thought someone like you was possible, not in a million years. Then we didn't talk, and I met someone. I met the same asshole I always go for to suit my masochistic streak. I met the fellow I KNEW my mother would hate, and adored him for that reason. Every declaration of him "not being good enough," was only further proof in my eyes, that in fact...he was. Then you came back seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't know you had been in an accident, I would have been there for you.
After you came back, when you said you loved me....I was floored. What am I supposed to say to that? I know what I did say though, and I'm sorry. I turned you down, for a fellow I knew would never try a fraction as hard as you did. You tried to help me with that, and that is the most noble thing I could imagine. Then he just, refused to talk to me...and you were there. Not that there were many pieces to pick up, but you did it. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind fall in love with me in the first place? I'm old fashioned, and I refuse to express nearly all emotion. There's no reason for you to even LIKE me. I was fortunate to find out that apparently I cannot be bought. I know you tried that too, but I'm happy I said no. That means that now...I know that I like you, not the money. I could get used to you actually putting in effort. I may even grow accustomed to a bit of attention here and there. I almost wish I could tell you this, almost, but I'll save it for another day.

Your future...something, maybe.

PS...I still think you're liking me is certifiably insane, but what's the worst that can happen giving someone who does care about me a chance?

To All Those People Who Hurt Me In High School

You always hurt my feelings and put me down. Call me names and say there will be no guy who wanted to go out with me. Well guess what you were wrong about me being ugly and no guy who wanted me. I do have a guy who wants me. Who loves me and adores me. Loves everything about me and I am moving in with him in a month. The words and things you done to me will tear me to pieces forever but I will move on by good things happen to me. Thanks for making me stronger against being hurt.

- Me

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Dear Life

I really wish you were more like books and movies.
You seem way more exciting there.
Then again maybe if I didn't spend so much time
reading books and watching movies, I wouldn't feel this way.
- Me

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Dear America

Nov. 9, 2008

Watching the news and surfing my usual intarnet stomping grounds it strikes me everyone is at something of at a loss for words. The most massive and expensive political campaign in history, like a T. rex rampaging through a dilapidated trailer park, has finally passed, and like dazed and battered survivors climbing out from under the rubble, standing in the rain unable to think of anything but the awesome and terrifying spectacle they've endured, we are unsure just what we're supposed to be doing.

Both domestically and abroad, this election has garnered unprecedented levels of attention, but the depths of bitterness and intellectual dishonesty reached over the past eighteen months should be seen as just the capstone on a legacy of partisanship and infighting which has been sullying our national discourse since at least the time of Ronald Reagan. Over the past four presidents the debate in our country has reached a breaking point. How many times in the past eight years, conservatives, did you find yourself defending one of President Bush's policies you didn't entirely agree with, simply to balance out the overwhelming negativity poured on him, his party - and by extension yourself - by shrill, uninformed Democrats and our hyperreactionary media? Liberals, I'm sure I'm not the only one who, when faced with the argument well that was something Clinton left behind, found myself red in the face supporting a president I barely recall who was probably more flash than substance. Sound familiar?

If we are to make any progress as a nation - and by "make any progress" I mean prop up the economy, fix the housing debacle, extricate American soldiers from multiple global conflicts in a way which creates the least lasting damage, overhaul our educational system, achieve energy independence and sustainability, lower crime, amend tort law, figure out a way to make sure American kids have food and a way to get to the doctor, prevent the spread of intolerance and dangerous materials worldwide, cement America's position as a world leader in both morals and the market, and find out just what the hell Ann Coulter's issue is and help her get over it - we need, quite frankly, to stop acting like petulant children. There is a reason Americans are regarded in other countries as fat, impolite complainers, and it's not just because we let them see our reality television shows.

We need to cut a deal with each other if we're going to do this. Liberals, join with me in saying we won't poke fun at Sarah Palin* anymore. We'll cut out this "Bush is stupid", "Cheney is evil" nonsense and stick to important issues. We'll stop overreacting to harmless minutiae with media storms which do nothing to further our causes but everything to make us look like cowardly, elitist, aggessively anti-religion Marxists. That's the tit. Conservatives, we're looking for a little tat. Recall that questioning our President isn't anti-American. Consider that exposing people to information is the best way to ensure they make the right choice. And please start fact-checking your pundits; ours are bad and we'll try to fix that, too, but FOX News is beyond the pale. If we can all vow to keep at least this little bargain in place, we'll have laid a true foundation for bridging the gap that divides us. Cooperation on our big issues should be a piece of cake if we can all swallow a bit of our pride.

Regardless of who you supported in this election, we can all agree that the level of energy displayed by Americans during the campaign is a positive force of which we have not seen enough in recent memory. Don't let the national discussion stagnate just because your ears are still ringing from the receding crash and roar of the election. If you're happy your candidate won, don't just gloat on your blog. Do a google for "(your state) volunteer" and pick an issue you think is important. If you're depressed after last week's returns, don't bail on the process. Real political progress always happens locally, and your country still needs all the help you can spare.

Last Tuesday, I saw a change I can believe in. My countrymen got involved. Don't let the news vaccuum steal that momentum.


-Cicero's Assassin

*Honestly, folks, let's lay off her already. The people of Alaska think she's doing fine as their Governor, and unless you live there you have nothing to complain about. Also, for God's sake look up the Peter Principle.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I'm sick and tired of trying to be your girl. I've just been wasting my time. Everytime I feel like I'm getting close to do something that sets me right back to the beginning again.

I guess I should have tried harder in the beginning but I can't go back now. I'm not gonna fight for someone who's not making an attempt. I can't believe I really thought I was in love with you.

How can anyone love you; all you do is cheat. You're a fxcking cheater.

But you aint gotta trip cause since I found out he wanna lick ya cat I aint fxcking with him ANYMORE.

UGH! I aint never fell so hard for someone; shoulda never fell for you. Last summer messed me up though. Gosh I knew you was moving but I still let myself get close, if I never did that I would be fine presently. I'm such an idiot.

I don't hate you; but I really don't like you right now.
Maybe after high school ends I'll be able to get over you.

..and the sad thing is; I say I wont fxck with you anymore but we both know that's a lie. I will never leave you alone..I can't. You will be mine, I know this. We was meant to was meant to be with me, not her and you know this.

Your "Mistress"

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Dear boy that broke my heart

You are my one weakness. Others can do or say the same things to me, but it?s your voice and your charm that I can?t escape. Just hearing you say my name can lift me up. I hate that you can do this. I hate that I become mush around you. I protected myself for months from you?re trap, avoiding your glances and attempts to kiss me, but I let my guard down on a drunken night and I finally fell. I fell hard. I knew before that you were the type I should stay away from. You were the bad boy. The one who never gave his heart away, that never showed he cared. I knew if you kissed me once, I?d be done for. Unable to break free. Now here I am, stuck.

It is as if you are perfection in my eyes. I know in my head you?re not. I can list the things I shouldn?t like, the things that make you all wrong. You are a liar, a cheat, a con. You had a girlfriend. That poor girl. I've met her. I try to be nice but it makes me sick to know that you were once mine. If even in a moment, I was your escape from some sweet innocent girl. If it were my choice, my fictional story, I would paint her as some whore, some undeserving slut of a nobel prince, but when I see her, when I talk to her, It becomes the opposite. I am the liar, I am the whore, I cheat and steal from her, from the honest girl who deserves better than you. Than the stupid shit I am chasing after. There is not one thing that I can say makes us right for each other, but that can?t stop the way I feel. My heart is broken, but I can?t even place blame with you because it was never intentional. You never asked me to love you. But you did tell me that you never wanted to be with someone before they got to be with someone who loved them, and here i am. Because you were never mine. You hurt me without even knowing I cared.
Seeing you makes my heart jump and race, but once I realize it was just a fling, a nothing, a non-something between us, it shatters again. I am happy but depressed, I am excited but miserable. You?re presence makes me crazy. I become someone I never wanted to be. I become that girl begging for you to see me in a new light, for you to care that I am there just as much as I care that you are. I hate that girl. With other guys, I can just snap myself out of it, catch myself in what I am doing and become me again, the confident girl with a shielded heart, but I can?t stop it when I am with you. I actually kissed your friend tonight, with you total view. God, this makes me desperate. This makes me needy and sick. I can scream at myself over and over again ? what are you doing, you look pathetic, he loves someone else, you are just friends, don?t you dare let him kiss you ? but these internal warnings mean nothing. It?s like an addiction. I am so good sometimes, I forget you at moments, until someone says something or brings up your name and I am back, craving you. Like some hysterical blindness, I think, maybe if I do this, you will see ? maybe if I act this way, you will care. I look at other girls and think, how sad, but I know how it feels, I know what it is like to be them. You make me them.
I am hysterically blind for you.

- Me