It’s been about a year since we stopped dating because you fucked me around so much. A year since I found out you would cheat on me with anyone you could. A year since I realised I could demand better from boys. And since then I’ve found someone that is beautiful to me – who loves me more than anything in the world. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
But I know that you’re cheating on your new Girlfriend. I know because I read your emails. I know your dirty secret. I know that she doesn’t know. Just like I didn’t know. And even though I hated her so much when you first started dating because I wasn’t over you – I now know that that girl is in my position. We are the same person.
I’m going to rat you out. I’m going to tell her what scum you are and how she needs to break free from your cheating ass. She is going to know everything – and I’m determined that this time you won’t get away with it. You can’t be faithful – you will never change.
Isn’t revenge sweet?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
The fellow I wrote off
Thank you. You were there with me through it all, every last bit of it. I never thought someone like you was possible, not in a million years. Then we didn't talk, and I met someone. I met the same asshole I always go for to suit my masochistic streak. I met the fellow I KNEW my mother would hate, and adored him for that reason. Every declaration of him "not being good enough," was only further proof in my eyes, that in fact...he was. Then you came back seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't know you had been in an accident, I would have been there for you.
After you came back, when you said you loved me....I was floored. What am I supposed to say to that? I know what I did say though, and I'm sorry. I turned you down, for a fellow I knew would never try a fraction as hard as you did. You tried to help me with that, and that is the most noble thing I could imagine. Then he just, refused to talk to me...and you were there. Not that there were many pieces to pick up, but you did it. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind fall in love with me in the first place? I'm old fashioned, and I refuse to express nearly all emotion. There's no reason for you to even LIKE me. I was fortunate to find out that apparently I cannot be bought. I know you tried that too, but I'm happy I said no. That means that now...I know that I like you, not the money. I could get used to you actually putting in effort. I may even grow accustomed to a bit of attention here and there. I almost wish I could tell you this, almost, but I'll save it for another day.
Your future...something, maybe.
PS...I still think you're liking me is certifiably insane, but what's the worst that can happen giving someone who does care about me a chance?
After you came back, when you said you loved me....I was floored. What am I supposed to say to that? I know what I did say though, and I'm sorry. I turned you down, for a fellow I knew would never try a fraction as hard as you did. You tried to help me with that, and that is the most noble thing I could imagine. Then he just, refused to talk to me...and you were there. Not that there were many pieces to pick up, but you did it. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind fall in love with me in the first place? I'm old fashioned, and I refuse to express nearly all emotion. There's no reason for you to even LIKE me. I was fortunate to find out that apparently I cannot be bought. I know you tried that too, but I'm happy I said no. That means that now...I know that I like you, not the money. I could get used to you actually putting in effort. I may even grow accustomed to a bit of attention here and there. I almost wish I could tell you this, almost, but I'll save it for another day.
Your future...something, maybe.
PS...I still think you're liking me is certifiably insane, but what's the worst that can happen giving someone who does care about me a chance?
To All Those People Who Hurt Me In High School
You always hurt my feelings and put me down. Call me names and say there will be no guy who wanted to go out with me. Well guess what you were wrong about me being ugly and no guy who wanted me. I do have a guy who wants me. Who loves me and adores me. Loves everything about me and I am moving in with him in a month. The words and things you done to me will tear me to pieces forever but I will move on by good things happen to me. Thanks for making me stronger against being hurt.
- Me
- Me
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Dear Life
I really wish you were more like books and movies.
You seem way more exciting there.
Then again maybe if I didn't spend so much time
reading books and watching movies, I wouldn't feel this way.
Hmmm....
- Me
You seem way more exciting there.
Then again maybe if I didn't spend so much time
reading books and watching movies, I wouldn't feel this way.
Hmmm....
- Me
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dear America
Nov. 9, 2008
Watching the news and surfing my usual intarnet stomping grounds it strikes me everyone is at something of at a loss for words. The most massive and expensive political campaign in history, like a T. rex rampaging through a dilapidated trailer park, has finally passed, and like dazed and battered survivors climbing out from under the rubble, standing in the rain unable to think of anything but the awesome and terrifying spectacle they've endured, we are unsure just what we're supposed to be doing.
Both domestically and abroad, this election has garnered unprecedented levels of attention, but the depths of bitterness and intellectual dishonesty reached over the past eighteen months should be seen as just the capstone on a legacy of partisanship and infighting which has been sullying our national discourse since at least the time of Ronald Reagan. Over the past four presidents the debate in our country has reached a breaking point. How many times in the past eight years, conservatives, did you find yourself defending one of President Bush's policies you didn't entirely agree with, simply to balance out the overwhelming negativity poured on him, his party - and by extension yourself - by shrill, uninformed Democrats and our hyperreactionary media? Liberals, I'm sure I'm not the only one who, when faced with the argument well that was something Clinton left behind, found myself red in the face supporting a president I barely recall who was probably more flash than substance. Sound familiar?
If we are to make any progress as a nation - and by "make any progress" I mean prop up the economy, fix the housing debacle, extricate American soldiers from multiple global conflicts in a way which creates the least lasting damage, overhaul our educational system, achieve energy independence and sustainability, lower crime, amend tort law, figure out a way to make sure American kids have food and a way to get to the doctor, prevent the spread of intolerance and dangerous materials worldwide, cement America's position as a world leader in both morals and the market, and find out just what the hell Ann Coulter's issue is and help her get over it - we need, quite frankly, to stop acting like petulant children. There is a reason Americans are regarded in other countries as fat, impolite complainers, and it's not just because we let them see our reality television shows.
We need to cut a deal with each other if we're going to do this. Liberals, join with me in saying we won't poke fun at Sarah Palin* anymore. We'll cut out this "Bush is stupid", "Cheney is evil" nonsense and stick to important issues. We'll stop overreacting to harmless minutiae with media storms which do nothing to further our causes but everything to make us look like cowardly, elitist, aggessively anti-religion Marxists. That's the tit. Conservatives, we're looking for a little tat. Recall that questioning our President isn't anti-American. Consider that exposing people to information is the best way to ensure they make the right choice. And please start fact-checking your pundits; ours are bad and we'll try to fix that, too, but FOX News is beyond the pale. If we can all vow to keep at least this little bargain in place, we'll have laid a true foundation for bridging the gap that divides us. Cooperation on our big issues should be a piece of cake if we can all swallow a bit of our pride.
Regardless of who you supported in this election, we can all agree that the level of energy displayed by Americans during the campaign is a positive force of which we have not seen enough in recent memory. Don't let the national discussion stagnate just because your ears are still ringing from the receding crash and roar of the election. If you're happy your candidate won, don't just gloat on your blog. Do a google for "(your state) volunteer" and pick an issue you think is important. If you're depressed after last week's returns, don't bail on the process. Real political progress always happens locally, and your country still needs all the help you can spare.
Last Tuesday, I saw a change I can believe in. My countrymen got involved. Don't let the news vaccuum steal that momentum.
Sincerely,
-Cicero's Assassin
www.xanga.com/ciceros_assassin
*Honestly, folks, let's lay off her already. The people of Alaska think she's doing fine as their Governor, and unless you live there you have nothing to complain about. Also, for God's sake look up the Peter Principle.
Watching the news and surfing my usual intarnet stomping grounds it strikes me everyone is at something of at a loss for words. The most massive and expensive political campaign in history, like a T. rex rampaging through a dilapidated trailer park, has finally passed, and like dazed and battered survivors climbing out from under the rubble, standing in the rain unable to think of anything but the awesome and terrifying spectacle they've endured, we are unsure just what we're supposed to be doing.
Both domestically and abroad, this election has garnered unprecedented levels of attention, but the depths of bitterness and intellectual dishonesty reached over the past eighteen months should be seen as just the capstone on a legacy of partisanship and infighting which has been sullying our national discourse since at least the time of Ronald Reagan. Over the past four presidents the debate in our country has reached a breaking point. How many times in the past eight years, conservatives, did you find yourself defending one of President Bush's policies you didn't entirely agree with, simply to balance out the overwhelming negativity poured on him, his party - and by extension yourself - by shrill, uninformed Democrats and our hyperreactionary media? Liberals, I'm sure I'm not the only one who, when faced with the argument well that was something Clinton left behind, found myself red in the face supporting a president I barely recall who was probably more flash than substance. Sound familiar?
If we are to make any progress as a nation - and by "make any progress" I mean prop up the economy, fix the housing debacle, extricate American soldiers from multiple global conflicts in a way which creates the least lasting damage, overhaul our educational system, achieve energy independence and sustainability, lower crime, amend tort law, figure out a way to make sure American kids have food and a way to get to the doctor, prevent the spread of intolerance and dangerous materials worldwide, cement America's position as a world leader in both morals and the market, and find out just what the hell Ann Coulter's issue is and help her get over it - we need, quite frankly, to stop acting like petulant children. There is a reason Americans are regarded in other countries as fat, impolite complainers, and it's not just because we let them see our reality television shows.
We need to cut a deal with each other if we're going to do this. Liberals, join with me in saying we won't poke fun at Sarah Palin* anymore. We'll cut out this "Bush is stupid", "Cheney is evil" nonsense and stick to important issues. We'll stop overreacting to harmless minutiae with media storms which do nothing to further our causes but everything to make us look like cowardly, elitist, aggessively anti-religion Marxists. That's the tit. Conservatives, we're looking for a little tat. Recall that questioning our President isn't anti-American. Consider that exposing people to information is the best way to ensure they make the right choice. And please start fact-checking your pundits; ours are bad and we'll try to fix that, too, but FOX News is beyond the pale. If we can all vow to keep at least this little bargain in place, we'll have laid a true foundation for bridging the gap that divides us. Cooperation on our big issues should be a piece of cake if we can all swallow a bit of our pride.
Regardless of who you supported in this election, we can all agree that the level of energy displayed by Americans during the campaign is a positive force of which we have not seen enough in recent memory. Don't let the national discussion stagnate just because your ears are still ringing from the receding crash and roar of the election. If you're happy your candidate won, don't just gloat on your blog. Do a google for "(your state) volunteer" and pick an issue you think is important. If you're depressed after last week's returns, don't bail on the process. Real political progress always happens locally, and your country still needs all the help you can spare.
Last Tuesday, I saw a change I can believe in. My countrymen got involved. Don't let the news vaccuum steal that momentum.
Sincerely,
-Cicero's Assassin
www.xanga.com/ciceros_assassin
*Honestly, folks, let's lay off her already. The people of Alaska think she's doing fine as their Governor, and unless you live there you have nothing to complain about. Also, for God's sake look up the Peter Principle.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
dboi
I'm sick and tired of trying to be your girl. I've just been wasting my time. Everytime I feel like I'm getting close to do something that sets me right back to the beginning again.
I guess I should have tried harder in the beginning but I can't go back now. I'm not gonna fight for someone who's not making an attempt. I can't believe I really thought I was in love with you.
How can anyone love you; all you do is cheat. You're a fxcking cheater.
YEAH BxTCH HE'S FxCKING ME; OH YOU AINT KNOW..?
WELL NOW YOU DO.
But you aint gotta trip cause since I found out he wanna lick ya cat I aint fxcking with him ANYMORE.
UGH! I aint never fell so hard for someone; shoulda never fell for you. Last summer messed me up though. Gosh I knew you was moving but I still let myself get close, if I never did that I would be fine presently. I'm such an idiot.
I don't hate you; but I really don't like you right now.
Maybe after high school ends I'll be able to get over you.
..and the sad thing is; I say I wont fxck with you anymore but we both know that's a lie. I will never leave you alone..I can't. You will be mine, I know this. We was meant to be..you was meant to be with me, not her and you know this.
Love,
Your "Mistress"
I guess I should have tried harder in the beginning but I can't go back now. I'm not gonna fight for someone who's not making an attempt. I can't believe I really thought I was in love with you.
How can anyone love you; all you do is cheat. You're a fxcking cheater.
YEAH BxTCH HE'S FxCKING ME; OH YOU AINT KNOW..?
WELL NOW YOU DO.
But you aint gotta trip cause since I found out he wanna lick ya cat I aint fxcking with him ANYMORE.
UGH! I aint never fell so hard for someone; shoulda never fell for you. Last summer messed me up though. Gosh I knew you was moving but I still let myself get close, if I never did that I would be fine presently. I'm such an idiot.
I don't hate you; but I really don't like you right now.
Maybe after high school ends I'll be able to get over you.
..and the sad thing is; I say I wont fxck with you anymore but we both know that's a lie. I will never leave you alone..I can't. You will be mine, I know this. We was meant to be..you was meant to be with me, not her and you know this.
Love,
Your "Mistress"
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Dear boy that broke my heart
You are my one weakness. Others can do or say the same things to me, but it?s your voice and your charm that I can?t escape. Just hearing you say my name can lift me up. I hate that you can do this. I hate that I become mush around you. I protected myself for months from you?re trap, avoiding your glances and attempts to kiss me, but I let my guard down on a drunken night and I finally fell. I fell hard. I knew before that you were the type I should stay away from. You were the bad boy. The one who never gave his heart away, that never showed he cared. I knew if you kissed me once, I?d be done for. Unable to break free. Now here I am, stuck.
It is as if you are perfection in my eyes. I know in my head you?re not. I can list the things I shouldn?t like, the things that make you all wrong. You are a liar, a cheat, a con. You had a girlfriend. That poor girl. I've met her. I try to be nice but it makes me sick to know that you were once mine. If even in a moment, I was your escape from some sweet innocent girl. If it were my choice, my fictional story, I would paint her as some whore, some undeserving slut of a nobel prince, but when I see her, when I talk to her, It becomes the opposite. I am the liar, I am the whore, I cheat and steal from her, from the honest girl who deserves better than you. Than the stupid shit I am chasing after. There is not one thing that I can say makes us right for each other, but that can?t stop the way I feel. My heart is broken, but I can?t even place blame with you because it was never intentional. You never asked me to love you. But you did tell me that you never wanted to be with someone before they got to be with someone who loved them, and here i am. Because you were never mine. You hurt me without even knowing I cared.
Seeing you makes my heart jump and race, but once I realize it was just a fling, a nothing, a non-something between us, it shatters again. I am happy but depressed, I am excited but miserable. You?re presence makes me crazy. I become someone I never wanted to be. I become that girl begging for you to see me in a new light, for you to care that I am there just as much as I care that you are. I hate that girl. With other guys, I can just snap myself out of it, catch myself in what I am doing and become me again, the confident girl with a shielded heart, but I can?t stop it when I am with you. I actually kissed your friend tonight, with you total view. God, this makes me desperate. This makes me needy and sick. I can scream at myself over and over again ? what are you doing, you look pathetic, he loves someone else, you are just friends, don?t you dare let him kiss you ? but these internal warnings mean nothing. It?s like an addiction. I am so good sometimes, I forget you at moments, until someone says something or brings up your name and I am back, craving you. Like some hysterical blindness, I think, maybe if I do this, you will see ? maybe if I act this way, you will care. I look at other girls and think, how sad, but I know how it feels, I know what it is like to be them. You make me them.
I am hysterically blind for you.
- Me
It is as if you are perfection in my eyes. I know in my head you?re not. I can list the things I shouldn?t like, the things that make you all wrong. You are a liar, a cheat, a con. You had a girlfriend. That poor girl. I've met her. I try to be nice but it makes me sick to know that you were once mine. If even in a moment, I was your escape from some sweet innocent girl. If it were my choice, my fictional story, I would paint her as some whore, some undeserving slut of a nobel prince, but when I see her, when I talk to her, It becomes the opposite. I am the liar, I am the whore, I cheat and steal from her, from the honest girl who deserves better than you. Than the stupid shit I am chasing after. There is not one thing that I can say makes us right for each other, but that can?t stop the way I feel. My heart is broken, but I can?t even place blame with you because it was never intentional. You never asked me to love you. But you did tell me that you never wanted to be with someone before they got to be with someone who loved them, and here i am. Because you were never mine. You hurt me without even knowing I cared.
Seeing you makes my heart jump and race, but once I realize it was just a fling, a nothing, a non-something between us, it shatters again. I am happy but depressed, I am excited but miserable. You?re presence makes me crazy. I become someone I never wanted to be. I become that girl begging for you to see me in a new light, for you to care that I am there just as much as I care that you are. I hate that girl. With other guys, I can just snap myself out of it, catch myself in what I am doing and become me again, the confident girl with a shielded heart, but I can?t stop it when I am with you. I actually kissed your friend tonight, with you total view. God, this makes me desperate. This makes me needy and sick. I can scream at myself over and over again ? what are you doing, you look pathetic, he loves someone else, you are just friends, don?t you dare let him kiss you ? but these internal warnings mean nothing. It?s like an addiction. I am so good sometimes, I forget you at moments, until someone says something or brings up your name and I am back, craving you. Like some hysterical blindness, I think, maybe if I do this, you will see ? maybe if I act this way, you will care. I look at other girls and think, how sad, but I know how it feels, I know what it is like to be them. You make me them.
I am hysterically blind for you.
- Me
Monday, August 25, 2008
Dear Thomas
Hey kid. I haven't seen you much this summer, but I've talked to you quite a lot. You probably think I'm a tease, but really I just find you intimidating. It's unintentional, you just scare the shit out of me. You have your sketchy friends, who do the same stuff that my friends and I do, but are so much more shady and weird about it all. You're way too into smoking. I mean, whatever, I don't really care if you're a pothead though, I'm getting off topic.
This is kind of a letter to myself. I'm kind of afraid I'll spend this year chasing after you. Going through this weird cycle: 1.) think you're cute 2.) NOT chase after you 3.) you get interested in me, text me a bunch 4.) I'm too hesitant and scared of who you are 5.) you get disinterested and bored 6.) I chase after you, and finally convince myself to stop. Go back to 1 after a bit of time, but it's your turn to make the next move. You always seem to, thank goodness.
That's been my summer in a nutshell. Well, romantically. Only one person really knows about it, but I won't drop her name in this letter. So anyway, this is a little letter to myself, because I know you won't see it. This is a little reminder, a ribbon tied around my finger, an email in my sent items. I either want to dive in head first and figure you out, or move on. No more of this in between-ness from me. I hate when I see you and feel awkward in person and don't know what to do. I don't want that anymore. Okay? I will get this under control. If there's one thing I know about, it's control. I'm good at that.
This year I really want my relationship with you to find some sort of balance. I don't want you as a boyfriend. I just don't want you as my nothing either.
I'll see you in four days. We have at least two classes together this year. You don't know that, but I figured it out, because the limited amount of ways our honors/AP classes fit together. Have a nice rest of the summer!
Sincerely,
Me.
This is kind of a letter to myself. I'm kind of afraid I'll spend this year chasing after you. Going through this weird cycle: 1.) think you're cute 2.) NOT chase after you 3.) you get interested in me, text me a bunch 4.) I'm too hesitant and scared of who you are 5.) you get disinterested and bored 6.) I chase after you, and finally convince myself to stop. Go back to 1 after a bit of time, but it's your turn to make the next move. You always seem to, thank goodness.
That's been my summer in a nutshell. Well, romantically. Only one person really knows about it, but I won't drop her name in this letter. So anyway, this is a little letter to myself, because I know you won't see it. This is a little reminder, a ribbon tied around my finger, an email in my sent items. I either want to dive in head first and figure you out, or move on. No more of this in between-ness from me. I hate when I see you and feel awkward in person and don't know what to do. I don't want that anymore. Okay? I will get this under control. If there's one thing I know about, it's control. I'm good at that.
This year I really want my relationship with you to find some sort of balance. I don't want you as a boyfriend. I just don't want you as my nothing either.
I'll see you in four days. We have at least two classes together this year. You don't know that, but I figured it out, because the limited amount of ways our honors/AP classes fit together. Have a nice rest of the summer!
Sincerely,
Me.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dear Nancy
If I would have written this a month or even two ago I would have been begging for your friendship back, back to what it used to be. But now I know that your weren't the good friend I thought you were.
You were part of the reason for my depression freshman year; I stuck up for YOU so that you wouldn't get into fights and have people hate you..I had people no I have EVERYONE hate me looking after you. And I did that because I thought that was what a good friend did, when it's really what a stupid friend does. I stuck by you when you dissed me for your boy toys or new friends. I apologized even when it was never my fault for things. GOSH I really was a stupid friend.
Do you know that I used to cry when I looked at pictures of us? Ha, I'm tearing up right now..sad huh. You were supposed to be my best friend but you always ditched me for someone else. I wish I could say I hate you but I don't, I trust you with most of my life..I shouldn't but I do.
Thinking about your friends now, I see why ya'll are so close. You and B are just alike, ditch someone for your boyfriend. You and N ya'll were friends before you even knew me so I can't even be mad. I guess the only one that gets to me is B..she was at one point in time my best friend but then she got crazy and just dropped me and I guess she decided she liked you so she'd be your best friend and you fell for it. All I can say is good luck and I hope she doesn't drop you like she did me. Ya'll are so close now I can't even tell you things because you'll probably tell her then everyone would know.
GOSh, I hope your happy.
Cause I sure as hell aint.
I miss our friendship and I thought I was over that, but I guess not.
You were part of the reason for my depression freshman year; I stuck up for YOU so that you wouldn't get into fights and have people hate you..I had people no I have EVERYONE hate me looking after you. And I did that because I thought that was what a good friend did, when it's really what a stupid friend does. I stuck by you when you dissed me for your boy toys or new friends. I apologized even when it was never my fault for things. GOSH I really was a stupid friend.
Do you know that I used to cry when I looked at pictures of us? Ha, I'm tearing up right now..sad huh. You were supposed to be my best friend but you always ditched me for someone else. I wish I could say I hate you but I don't, I trust you with most of my life..I shouldn't but I do.
Thinking about your friends now, I see why ya'll are so close. You and B are just alike, ditch someone for your boyfriend. You and N ya'll were friends before you even knew me so I can't even be mad. I guess the only one that gets to me is B..she was at one point in time my best friend but then she got crazy and just dropped me and I guess she decided she liked you so she'd be your best friend and you fell for it. All I can say is good luck and I hope she doesn't drop you like she did me. Ya'll are so close now I can't even tell you things because you'll probably tell her then everyone would know.
GOSh, I hope your happy.
Cause I sure as hell aint.
I miss our friendship and I thought I was over that, but I guess not.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Dearest Logan
I have loved you far too long, and far too hard. I remember everything...every last detail. Starting with me asking your stance on crack whores in society, to that last good bye. From you saying you loved me and my running after, to you saying anyone who would possibly consider marriage before 30 was nuts. I loved you, but I'll be damned if I wait 10 years for anyone. That wonderful first year, where I only wanted the chance to crawl in your bed, to the last where I was so glad you hadn't laid a hand on me. I cannot explain why I still think of you, but I do, though I am moving on. I shan't remain that bitchy cynic you love, and I shall be the blissfully happy person someone else loves. While nobody forgets first love, I'm going to try. You knew I wanted to be so perfectly ruined by one man, that all others would seem useless, and I thought you had done that. You haven't...and I am most grateful for that. I'm not going to say I don't miss you, there's days I do, but most you seldom cross my mind. Sometimes I get a smell, and I think it's you, but I know better. Once in awhile I see those sparkling green eyes, but most often I miss the talks. We could talk better than anyone else, and about anything. I suppose I just want to say that I will always love you, but shall never be IN love with you again.
Love,
That girl in those wacky clothes you once loved.
Love,
That girl in those wacky clothes you once loved.
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