Sunday, August 31, 2008

Dear boy that broke my heart

You are my one weakness. Others can do or say the same things to me, but it?s your voice and your charm that I can?t escape. Just hearing you say my name can lift me up. I hate that you can do this. I hate that I become mush around you. I protected myself for months from you?re trap, avoiding your glances and attempts to kiss me, but I let my guard down on a drunken night and I finally fell. I fell hard. I knew before that you were the type I should stay away from. You were the bad boy. The one who never gave his heart away, that never showed he cared. I knew if you kissed me once, I?d be done for. Unable to break free. Now here I am, stuck.

It is as if you are perfection in my eyes. I know in my head you?re not. I can list the things I shouldn?t like, the things that make you all wrong. You are a liar, a cheat, a con. You had a girlfriend. That poor girl. I've met her. I try to be nice but it makes me sick to know that you were once mine. If even in a moment, I was your escape from some sweet innocent girl. If it were my choice, my fictional story, I would paint her as some whore, some undeserving slut of a nobel prince, but when I see her, when I talk to her, It becomes the opposite. I am the liar, I am the whore, I cheat and steal from her, from the honest girl who deserves better than you. Than the stupid shit I am chasing after. There is not one thing that I can say makes us right for each other, but that can?t stop the way I feel. My heart is broken, but I can?t even place blame with you because it was never intentional. You never asked me to love you. But you did tell me that you never wanted to be with someone before they got to be with someone who loved them, and here i am. Because you were never mine. You hurt me without even knowing I cared.
Seeing you makes my heart jump and race, but once I realize it was just a fling, a nothing, a non-something between us, it shatters again. I am happy but depressed, I am excited but miserable. You?re presence makes me crazy. I become someone I never wanted to be. I become that girl begging for you to see me in a new light, for you to care that I am there just as much as I care that you are. I hate that girl. With other guys, I can just snap myself out of it, catch myself in what I am doing and become me again, the confident girl with a shielded heart, but I can?t stop it when I am with you. I actually kissed your friend tonight, with you total view. God, this makes me desperate. This makes me needy and sick. I can scream at myself over and over again ? what are you doing, you look pathetic, he loves someone else, you are just friends, don?t you dare let him kiss you ? but these internal warnings mean nothing. It?s like an addiction. I am so good sometimes, I forget you at moments, until someone says something or brings up your name and I am back, craving you. Like some hysterical blindness, I think, maybe if I do this, you will see ? maybe if I act this way, you will care. I look at other girls and think, how sad, but I know how it feels, I know what it is like to be them. You make me them.
I am hysterically blind for you.

- Me

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know the feeling.

4 years and counting since the first kiss. 2 years and counting since the last.
I have somebody better...
But I still have feelings for the one that got away. The bad boy, the heartbreaker. I don't want to be the other woman...though I'd give up everything to be her.