Monday, August 25, 2008

Dear Thomas

Hey kid. I haven't seen you much this summer, but I've talked to you quite a lot. You probably think I'm a tease, but really I just find you intimidating. It's unintentional, you just scare the shit out of me. You have your sketchy friends, who do the same stuff that my friends and I do, but are so much more shady and weird about it all. You're way too into smoking. I mean, whatever, I don't really care if you're a pothead though, I'm getting off topic.

This is kind of a letter to myself. I'm kind of afraid I'll spend this year chasing after you. Going through this weird cycle: 1.) think you're cute 2.) NOT chase after you 3.) you get interested in me, text me a bunch 4.) I'm too hesitant and scared of who you are 5.) you get disinterested and bored 6.) I chase after you, and finally convince myself to stop. Go back to 1 after a bit of time, but it's your turn to make the next move. You always seem to, thank goodness.

That's been my summer in a nutshell. Well, romantically. Only one person really knows about it, but I won't drop her name in this letter. So anyway, this is a little letter to myself, because I know you won't see it. This is a little reminder, a ribbon tied around my finger, an email in my sent items. I either want to dive in head first and figure you out, or move on. No more of this in between-ness from me. I hate when I see you and feel awkward in person and don't know what to do. I don't want that anymore. Okay? I will get this under control. If there's one thing I know about, it's control. I'm good at that.

This year I really want my relationship with you to find some sort of balance. I don't want you as a boyfriend. I just don't want you as my nothing either.

I'll see you in four days. We have at least two classes together this year. You don't know that, but I figured it out, because the limited amount of ways our honors/AP classes fit together. Have a nice rest of the summer!


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