I still can’t believe it happened. I can’t believe how much life has changed. Everything seemed so different back then. Things were fucked up, and though they still are, it’s now in a completely different manner.
How did things change so much so fast?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I’m not the only one who misses you. Fucked up as you were, you were also a great friend to have. I’m so deeply sorry for how things worked out.
It seems to be so long ago and just yesterday at the same time, the last time I saw you, sometime in October. Heather’s birthday, at the bar. We hung out, drank beer, and all talked together. Everyone seemed so happy, you included. We even managed to drag you out of the house for a night. Sorry you never got that duck.
I’m also sorry that things couldn’t have been different. I’ll always hold dear all the nights we stayed up until 10 am drinking and doing coke. I don’t miss the drugs, but I miss the times, and the conversations. I miss you. How the fuck did this happen?
Since then, I’ve changed a lot. I still drink too much, but I’ve stayed off the drugs. You knew I quit, and I’ve stayed resolute about it. So has almost everyone else. Almost all of us are clean now.
I’ve also found a girl who means a lot to me. I’m even able to be completely honest with her, which is rare for me, as I’m sure you know. If it wasn’t for all the drugs and alcohol I probably never would have been with you guys, but I was able to. I hope you know it really did mean something, even if it was drug induced.
I’m sorry now that I didn’t meet you until I did. I wish I had known you so much longer. I’m glad, though, that I at least did get to know you, and to really call you a friend. I’m glad I took the time to visit while you were in jail. I’m glad for all the great times we had.
I’m also glad I got to see you that last time, on Heather’s birthday. I didn’t know then that I never would again. I’m so sorry for what happened.
We all miss you. I’m not the only one, I promise. This has hit us all so hard.
Two weeks after I last saw you, while I was out of town, I found out that you had died of an overdose. I was instantly overwhelmed with sadness. In a way, I still am. Every time I drive by your place, or see something that reminds me of you, I feel like breaking down. I don’t know why it hurt so much, you’re not the first person close to me I’ve lost, but something about this was so much worse than all the others. I can’t put my finger on it, but maybe it’s just the way that you seemed so much more than what people saw you as.
You were more than anyone knew, I think, and I think you knew it, yet never let it overwhelm you. You weren’t a snob, but I think you knew you had much more to offer than you’d ever be given the chance to.
I wish you had been given that chance.
