In the past few years I have grown to love you more than ever imaginable. Each day I've spent with you our love has grown deeper and deeper and I am constantly amazed at how completely giving and loving you are. You are truly the most beautiful and genuine person I have ever met and will ever meet. You are my best friend, my life and my love. You are the only person meant for me and I'm reminded of that more and more every day.
You have truly blessed me with your generosity of spirit, gentle nature, and unabashed love each day we are together. As cheesy as it is to say, You have made me the man I am today. We have created some beautiful memories that I know will follow us into our lives together and I look forward to many more with you.
When we met five years ago, I immediately was attracted to you and your arresting green eyes, your sense of grace, your delicate nature and your inner strength. I remember vividly meeting you for the first time and thinking, "Uh Oh, I'm in trouble. She is amazing." When I asked you to marry me, I meant it. It is the truth. I hope we can maintain that sense of truth and honesty with each other. What I am trying to communicate in this letter is that I believe you are the most amazing person I've ever met and that since we are to marry next year, I deeply believe that you are worthy of my complete honesty.
I have something very important to share with you -- something I tell you out of love. Something I could never truly trust myself to articulate with any amount of clarity with my voice. Something I needed you to know before we are married. In order for our marriage to survive as open and honest as possible, I tell you this because I value the integrity of our relationship. I want to be completely upfront from now
on.
The next sentence is possibly the hardest thing I will ever say to you, and I understand if you want to end our relationship as it is. I have experimented sexually with two men in my past. It is my deepest, darkest secret.
Writing that statement makes me feel nauseous because it is something I have never said to anyone before -- something I could never admit to myself much less anyone I deeply love, for fear that admitting this will cause undue stress in your life. My hands are shaking as I write this. It is important that you know that I am not gay, but I am not 100% heterosexual. I hate myself for keeping this from you for so long. I fall in the middle, and as such it has been even harder to reveal to anyone.
Growing up, I was extremely confused by sexual feelings for both women and men. I longed to be either completely straight or completely gay. In my mind, it would've been easier to admit one or the other. I couldn't identify with either group. As a result of being in the middle, I tried to shelter those individuals around me, as well as my own emotional health, and never pursued relationships with either. I love sex with a woman -- especially you and only you. I enjoy it and desire you constantly. You are amazing in bed. Yet, the fact that I harbor this secret is destroying me inside. It's the most confusing thing I will ever deal with, yet it is
something that is undeniably the most important thing I could ever tell you besides, "I love you."
I have been completely monogamous with you and will continue to be. There is no question of that. Everything I have ever said to you is the truth, I simply need to tell you this so that we can live our lives together truly knowing the other person on a much deeper level, for I could never be happy in our relationship knowing that you do not completely know me as a human being -- inside and out. I fear that if I weren't to tell you this now, it would only cause undue suffering within our relationship in the future and ultimately break us apart. I don't want that. I want you to know me better than any human can possibly know.
After reading this I accept the possibility that you will no longer want to marry me, nor would I wish that you stay with me if this knowledge would be detrimental to your happiness in life. I want you to be happy no matter what and believe that you are deserving of complete and utter happiness/bliss. I believe in my heart that deeper love can only come from me admitting this to you before we are married rather than revealing it to you later. You make me completely happy and I want you to have the same.
Now that you know this about me, I can be completely open with you and move on with our lives together. This is what I wish for beyond anything in the world, but I remain completely understanding if this is not the same for you. I hope that once you read this, you can look at me the same way as before with your beautiful green eyes. Only this time, I will know and you will know that the person you see is exactly the
person I am.
The truth is, I love you and want to be with you and you only. I want us to be husband and wife. I want us to have children and grow old together. Our future together is important to me. However, I realize the implications of this and will understand your decision.
No matter what, know this: I love you.
