Dear Mom, Friends, Boyfriend, Best Friend,

I am sitting in my Virtual High School class at the moment writing this letter. I hope that I will be able to print out enough copies for each of you to read; I do not think I would be able to pass around a single copy. I am writing this letter out of my confusion. I do not understand myself as much as I wish I did, and I am fearing for the worst. While I do not want to use the word "worst" it would be the greatest change in my life.

As some of you know, especially Boyfriend, I have not had sex since around October. I decided to live in abstinence, not for any religious reason- I don't have religion- but because I no longer felt compelled to have sex. At least, I did not feel compelled to have sex or make love with my boyfriend or any boy, man, penis-having vessel at all. Maybe some people can see where this is going. Maybe some people cannot.

Why? Why is it that I have been unable to get down and dirty with my loved one. Oh, I think I know. I think I have known for some time, but alas, I do not wish to admit such things. Oh yes. That is right. I think I might be- not bisexual as I thought before- but a lesbian. At first I dismissed this idea completely; after all, I have had sex with a guy before. I lost my virginity at a younger age by choice because I like the idea of sex. I like the feeling of two hot sweaty bodies entwined. But, you see, I have grown disinterested in all men. All of them. Every single one that is not a television personality. I think guys are attractive to look at, but I cannot see myself having sex with any of them. Oh damn. Oh damn. This does cause quite the problem now, doesn't it?

I think I am a lesbian. I hate terminology and labels like that, but I think of it and it makes me content. Am I going crazy? Obviously I am okay with the idea of two chics being together- sexually, romantically, emotionally, whatever-ly. I started recognizing my interest in the "fairer sex" when I was a wee little middle school kid. I was twelve. Since then I discovered I DEFINITELY can be turned on by girls. I can DEFINITELY be physically and romantically involved with girls. That is not what is in question here. Can I do the same with guys? I don't feel like I can. I care strongly about the person I am with, so much that I fear breaking his heart. It makes me terribly sad when I think of it. However, I know for a fact he does not want to be in a relationship where abstinance is forced upon him. He said so himself. He is so wonderful, though. He trruly cares. Sometimes I wish we stayed close friends. That is where it seems we are coming to now. Oh, I have no idea.

Lesbian. the lesbian friend. Of course we all joked about this before. I just have no idea what it would be like to live my life in that mindset. My family- oh, I could only see them despising me. I do not want to be despised. However, that idea pleases me. It seems to fit. I wish I could figure something out. I really wish that. So much. And I wish I could talk to my aunt, my mum, and other family members that are willing to listen. However, I do not wish to dissapoint anyone. But alas, I am going to spend the day with my good, great, wonderful best friend now. This girl rocks me world because she is so cool and so great at making me giggle and feel better when I am down. I am going to spend some time with her, maybe watch some anime. Who knows. Maybe go out to eat. Best Friend- I love you. You're so great.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I hate the idea of breaking hearts. Valentine's Day can be such a cruel holiday. However, I love it. I love love. That truth will never change. Whether I love boys or girls or both... damn, I hope my friends, family, everyone in my life- I hope they can love me. The very same. Because I will always love them.

Signed/Love/Something or Other,
Me

PS: I am too scared to show anyone this. Maybe I will send it to OpenLetter.