i feel abandoned, tired, terrified. no one wants to befriend the girl who never seems happy, and i don’t blame them. it is i who pushes everyone away. but i’m so tired of being alone, of feeling friendless, even when i know i am not. i know my life is not the only one who hurts, who is scared. but i sure seem to be the only one on that playing field these days. i’m sick of being stuck in this rut, the one where i can only see my problems, my lack of motivation and companionship. my heart has yet to find its way to where i reside, and so many days i wonder if it ever will. i have lived a life with an almost constant God presence for years, and i haven’t felt His touch in so long. that’s really what i need… and even though i understand it is i—not Him—who has moved, i cannot find my way back. there are moments when i am fine, when the sky is bright. but there are more moments when i feel helpless, hopeless. i don’t belong anywhere, don’t have anywhere to run. i feel so empty and afraid, like i am capable of nothing and going nowhere. i love my life, and i want to make it matter, i just have lost sight of how. i spend my days consumed with my own unhappiness; how am i to impact a single soul around me? i ask only for one heart to hold tight to; one person to understand where i am coming from. i want to laugh and smile and reach out… be the kind of person my Father would be proud of. i cannot begin to really express what my heart is saying in this moment… i just need more than what i have been living with.
the biggest roadblocks to my faith are a huge fear of inadequacy and a crippling fear of loneliness. it seems like the only thing i see are my mistakes. i’ve never really opened up to anyone about them because, frankly, i can’t let them go. some of them are so distant, but some just aren’t… and i hate myself for that. these mistakes are tied right in with my need for companionship and closeness; i needed to be accepted and loved, so i gave in—sometimes with little or no persuasion. i can’t let go of my past for fear that i will be left alone, to fend for myself… and i cannot move forward for fear of letting go. it hurts me to know that by living life this way, i’m selling myself short. but, i don’t see any way around it. even when pouring out my heart, i feel so vague… and because i cannot even understand myself, i do not see how anyone else could either.
i just don’t know where to go from here. i’m so afraid, and no one really knows what is going on with me. that’s the worst thing… no one knows me. i just need to not feel alone.
