Today (February 14, 2007) marks a full year since I heard from you. You said you loved me, and told me absoutely everything I wanted to hear. I waited for your emails with baited breath, spending hundreds in cellphone credit to check my emails via my internet function. When I thought about you my heart soared. You were the first person I thought I loved. I was so desperate to be loved wholey for all that I am that I told myself that we were in love. I wanted someone who saw me as a person with real feelings, not someone who couldn't see past the happy-go-lucky teenager I pretend I am everyday. You said you loved me for who I am but that's crap. You told me that I was too carefree, that I wasn't sensitive to others feelings and didn't worry enough. I hated you for that. I worry so much sometimes I feel like I'm going to throw up. You couldn't see that. You're just like everyone else.
Z told me that now that you moved you're depressed. You're on Prozac. Why the fuck didn't you say something? You don't fucking get it. I would have done something but you just cut off all ties to me. The last email you sent was a mass email, one that said that you were sorry you hadn't been in touch. You think no-one loves you but if you had asked me I would have done something. I don't know what. But I'm good at improvising. It's too late now though. I've cut the cord and moved on. You are nothing to me now. In fact, I regret being so ignorant. I used to want to see you every second of the day, but now if I past you in the street I would pretend I didn't see you. I don't hate you, nor do I love you. I nothing you. If I hear you have killed yourself, maybe I will cry. But it will be tears because you could be so much more if you let go of your inhibitions.
I want to have someone I can be completely myself around. That would free my soul. I am the smart girl that is next-door pretty. I say and do the strangest things and don't give a flying fuck what others think. I play video games and collect anime and spend hours on the internet just surfing. I dance and do drama. I want to study English, Japanese and Classical Studies at university. I want to draw my own manga like the pros. But if that doesn't work out then I'd like to be a teacher.
When we were together, these were the things you loved about me. But you didn't love the ugly things about me, and that's what matters most. I feel like my younger sister is more normal than me because she likes to guy-watch and I think that the guys she watches, average day-to-day guys, look like pimply teenagers with nothing better to do than make themselves look cool in front of other people. I am not a lesbian. There are people I see on TV and I want to melt into their arms because I find them so attractive and kind. Actors mostly. Like Mark Ruffalo and Zach Braff. But not because I want to sleep with them. Because they look like they could hold me and make me safer than you ever did.
Why am I'm telling you this? I really don't know. Maybe it's because I realise now that everything you told me was a lie. Maybe it's because I need to get it off my chest. Whatever the case, I now know that eventually I will find someone who makes me feel that complete kind of love that I describe so vividly in my writing but have never felt myself. Someone who will let me cry about my problems and not tell me that they are insignificant. After we broke up I didn't think this was possible. But now I see that it is.
I can safely say I am completely over you. What I've written here is merely some things I think you should know. I don't care if I never hear from you again. And if I do hear from you, chances are I'll "mean" to write back but never get around to it.
So I'll say it now. I wish you a life of happiness. I hope you can deal with your depression and get through it. I hope you can complete the Psychology PhD. you wanted so badly. I hope you can meet a nice girl and marry her and have children. But I also hope that when I do find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, you don't turn up on my doorstep the morning of my wedding and tell me that you still love me and want to marry me. Because you will be sent away without a second thought. You had your chance and you blew it big time.
Sayonara.
