I'm sorry I could never call you that, although you were the closest I ever had. Even at 12, I knew he wouldn't be a dad ever again, but I still couldn't. I am so glad that I hugged you and told you I loved you that day that we ate breakfast together. Whenever I think of you, I picture you sitting there, talking animatedly and smiling. We were all so happy. You were excited for us.
Now you are gone. And so are we. Would you be proud? Or feel let down? I want to cry so much about all the things you are missing. I see things daily that make me think of you. I see so many beautiful things that you would love and will never get to experience. So many beautiful places you never got to see. I see the changes in the world that you were always hoping for: a growing awareness of the impact we have on the environment, a greater drive for acceptance of others. I can only cry when I think about how excited you would be about the specter of change.
Would you be proud of us? Would you feel we were pursuing a dream or abandoning our family? Based on our last conversation, I think you would say were are pursuing a dream. I think that you recognized that life is short and you need to take risks sometimes to get what you want. Ironic, since you only had a week left to live.
I still have your baseball mitt. The summer before the accident, Mom brought some stuff over for a yard sale. The mitt was in there, and I kept it out. It's in box, waiting for the right person. Waiting for someone who will use it and will listen when we tell stories about you. Unfortunately, that person will never be able to know how wonderful you really were, how you gave up your own dreams in order to be with my family. We became your dream, and I thank you.
I see you everywhere. In the mountains. In the lazy currents of a river in summer. In the waves crashing down and washing away the shore. In the way a dragonfly darts through the yard.
I don't believe in God. I don't believe we will ever meet again on some otherworldly cloud. But I do believe that you are always with me, in the earth and the ocean and the life that thrives around me. I just with you could see it all with me.
