It’s been a while since I saw you last. You used to follow me around like a lost puppy, and I found that comforting. Now, I’m lucky if I get a glimpse of you in the morning as I walk to school. I know I was never very religious, but you were always there for me anyway. Through the good times and especially for the bad, you were there and you always heard my prays. Where have you been lately? I thought that out of all the things that change, my relationship with you would remain a constant. But it seems like one day you were there all around me and now I can’t find you at all.
Hell, I even went a church in search of you. All I found was a racist, wife beating preacher, who claimed that the poor people of the church had to donate to him so his kids could have new clothes and his family could go to Puerto Rico. The preacher said that he knew the word of God. He said that you didn’t like the gays or people who have gotten abortions. He claimed that all the people who weren’t christen would burn in Hell. I knew you weren’t there.
Where did you get off to? Are you just taking a few years off? Cause the world has gone to shit and it seems that I’m not the only one who can’t find you. Do you think this is funny, like one big game of hide and seek? I love you so much God. But when I can’t see you anymore it makes it harder to believe in you. I used to be able to see you in the miracle of a sunrise. Now, all I can see is pollution. I could hear you in the breezes that cooled me in the summer. Now, all I can hear babies crying and car alarms. I used to be able to smell you in the crisp November mornings. Now, all I can smell are cigarettes and dog shit.
Where do you get off ditching the whole fucking world?! I need you, just like everyone else and not a fucking soul can find you! All the people around me have given up hope in finding you and have found weed and anti- depressants. I don’t want something to fill up the hole, I want there to be no hole. I’m so fucking tired and I haven’t even gotten into the “real world” yet. WHERE ARE YOU?! I need you. I need something that I can see, touch, feel, taste. But you’re no longer tangible. Hell, you’re not even intangible! You’re just not there.
Everyone I talk to says that you disappearing is just part of growing up. That it’s like a rite of passage. I refuse to accept that. I had you once, and I know I will find a way to be close to you again. You’re not Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny, which dissolves into just some of the falsities of childhood. You’re God! I could hear, see, and smell you! You were in everything I did; you laid witness to all of my greatness and all of my failures. Where in the fuck are you? I can’t lose you like I lose my keys, or cell phone. You should be here all of the time, my own personal savior, my own personal religion. I hope you get this letter. Because I really need you back.
