It had been well over a year since we had last talked, then 3 nights ago i
talked to you again. I shouldn't have. Believe it or not this past year has
not been easy for me. I'm not stupid as you seem to think that i am, I
figured it out you know. Heh, you said you wanted to be friends still and
really enjoyed talking to me and didn't want to lose that. Then why was i
the one that had to say something first after over a whole fricken year? You
said you loved me, you said that I was something special that you didn't
want to lose. Maybe I am stupid, I believed you after all.
I don't know why I let you get to me that much, maybe because you were the
first person I ever truly let in, the first person I ever loved (or at least
thought I did). All i really know is that you affected me, changed me, more
then anything in the world. Don't be proud. I never said that it was for the
better. Before you I was a little lost, but still happy and confident and I
guess you could say healthy. Now? Now I'm a damaged and broken piece of
garbage that keeps getting run over.
Yes I really did change, I became a depressed, scared, closed off, cutter
who has Trichotillomania.
I can't let anyone in anymore, not even my best friend, all because I'm
afraid that they'll find someone better again. You didn't even have the
courage to tell me the truth, you said you had become too busy, but you just
went back to your old girlfriend. I can handle the truth, I couldn't handle
being lied to, that just made me feel like I had never even meant enough to
you to be told the truth.
I've tried forgiving you, I really have. I kept hearing this one song, Light
Years Away by Mozella. I thought that I could do what they did I know i must
have tried at least a hundred times but I can't. Maybe you'll see this and
confront me on it, I'd like that It would make so much of a difference if I
could just learn why.
I haven't told anyone any of this, I keep telling myself I'll do it next
week and get some help but I don't. Maybe one day...I hope. This can't last
forever, I won't let you have had that much of an effect on me, I won't let
you have that much power over me, and I will fix myself. You weren't worth
this past year of pain and I hope you read this and know that it was meant
for you.
To anyone else that has ever had this happen, know that you aren't alone.
Even if you don't post or say anything to anyone know that there is at least
one person out there that is willing to think about you and help you because
you are worth it. It was and is them that aren't worth it.
