Dear Dad

I wish I could blame it all on you. I wish I could blame my fucked up existence on the fact that you left. But then again, you did more than leave, you stopped being my dad. You tried to beat me down and make me feel like I was worthless because I loved mom, but it didn't work. You are the piece of shit, not her. No matter how many years go by I still remember the lies and the mistakes. You were never there for me and you never will be. How could you go so long without your daughter? Eleven years and then you were manipulative when I saw you. I looked past it though, I called you when it should have been the other way around. But by that time I already knew I had to be the adult in the relationship. I thought we were working towards being closer. The that night happened. I'm sorry I wished I could have done something. Maybe if I reached out you would still be here. As much as they tell me not to blame myself, I do. I wish you didn't kill yourself and I wish that you were still here. I know I don't admit it but it's because I've been hurt so many times by you I'm afraid that even in death you'll find a way to hurt me. I've tried to forgive you, maybe this will help.