It's been six years since we were eighteen years old, at college together. Amazing how time flies, isn't it? Just wanted to let you know I'm doing much better now. My hair grew back. I don't think you noticed, but it fell out shortly after I starved myself for those couple months trying to get you back. Anyway, it grew back nice and long. I'm actually fat now. Way fatter than I ever was when I was with you. When I look at pictures from our time together, I'm struck by how small I looked. But I wasn't small enough for you. That's okay, I understand. I just hope when you get married (if you aren't already),that your wife gets real big after she pops out a few of your babies.
If you're anything like your dad - real terrific guy, by the way,leaving your mom and dating an ugly 25 year old (dude, she was NASTY) - you'll follow suit and when your wife gets too old and fat, you'll probably leave her too.
But I digress. I'm doing real good, Joel. I'm doing just what I always dreamed of. You never thought I had any talent, but I'm on TV now. I doubt you have gigs five nights a week like I do. I got off the drugs I started taking after you dumped me. I can't excuse what I did, but seeing you was a knife in my heart and I wanted to stop feeling that pain. I just smoke pot now, and drink, nothing harder than that. Do you still drink? Did you ever smoke up with anyone else, or was I the first and only? And hey, when did you lose your virginity? I waited and waited and after I finally did it two years ago I wondered what all the fuss was about. What about you? Did you do it with that Asian girl you dated after me? Or did you finally get your perfect woman, your perfect skinny little Adrienne who you wanted so bad? She would make you wait to tie the knot before you could fuck her, so maybe you married her. I know I wasn't worth losing your virginity for, so who was?
Anyways, Joel, I just wanted to tell you that although you ruined my life, if you hadn't, I would never have dropped out of school to get away from you, so I never would have been in the right place at the right time to make my dreams come true. So thank you!
P.S. I still love you and I always will.
