Its been 6 months and 10 days since you killed yourself. It’s been 6 months and 10 days since I last saw you alive. I miss you and I love you. I wish so, so badly that I told you that I loved you. I wish so badly that I hadn’t made you feel that I hated you. I hate myself for demanding so many things. I hate myself for not saying I love you too when you kissed me that last final day. I hate that I don’t remember the last glimpse I had of you alive. I hate that I don’t feel I have the right to mourn you. I love you. I wish so badly I could say it to you. I hate that sometimes I feel glad that you killed yourself. I hate that.
I wish you were here. So, so badly. I’m only 17. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I want you. I hate that in your fucking letter you wrote all those crappy words that I couldn’t give a damn for. All it made me realize is how little you know me. Knew me. I hate that I didn’t get to have a normal relationship with u. i haven’t cried in god knows how long. I wish I could cry and just feel better for a few minutes. Every time I think of you I feel empty. I can’t even admit to myself of the things I’m feeling. I wish you would hug me and kiss me and tell me that I’m the daughter you could have only dreamed off and that you were proud of me. I wish that so bad. I love you. I love you. I feel so much regret it chokes me up. I wondered in the beginning why you did it. Now I can’t. I don’t want to. It’s pointless. Mom and sis spend so much time i wondering why and blaming you. Why can’t I be mad at you? Why can’t I yell at you for being so stupid? I understand. That’s why. I understand the overwhelming need to give up and the relief of giving into it. I only wish you knew that I’d understand.
Of all the things I regret it’s that you never knew me, the person I was and the person I am now. I wish you could tell me you are proud of the person I’ve become and the changes I’ve made in my life. I miss you. I miss being comforted and protected. I miss your unconditional love and support. I miss having simple comfort and knowing you’ll understand. I miss that you didn’t depend on me for anything and I could feel safe. I still feel pangs of sadness when my friend told me her father taught her driving. I hate that I know how inconsequential money is. All I want is you. I want to be ignorant and arrogant and high on all the things teenagers should be on. I hate that I feel responsible and I hate even more when I don’t handle my responsibilities well.
I’m grown up now daddy. I wish I could get by the feeling that I don’t have as much right to mourn you as mom and akka do. I wish I could get past the feeling that they loved you more. That you loved them more. I wish I could feel more than weariness when I think of all this. I thank you with all my heart for the childhood you gave me, imperfect though it may have been. I know you did your best. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I miss you so much more than you’ll never know. My deepest fear now is of drowning. I hope you know that. I also hope you know that I hated you that night by the well. I don’t anymore. I understand that you had to go. I just wish that i had been less selfish and more demonstrative. Maybe you wouldn’t have died.
I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you for taking the effort to research for my seminar even though you were so busy. I’m sorry for feeling ashamed of your looks when I was young and didn’t want to take you to open house. I’m sorry for disappointing you when you told me to work harder. I’m sorry that I told you I didn’t want to buy akka’s birthday card because I was busy when I wasn’t and you were so tired. I’m sorry for feeling like I had to rebel and answer rudely to you every time we argued. I’m sorry for not telling you I respect you for the man you were. I’m sorry.
I love you daddy and I miss you. And I am very, very sorry.
