Dear P

That letter's not written by me, but I wish is was, it's much less bitter than my letter...

I'm so sorry...I didn't mean what I said. I'm not angry or annoyed at you at all. I'm hurting and grieving but I don't blame you. I wanted to feel bitter and to find some way of faulting you so it would be easier to let you go. But really I can't hate you, or fault you, or blame you at all. The way it ended was just unfortunate...we shouldn't have let it get to that but I just couldn't let go of my feelings for you.

I've been reminded that I shouldn't be bitter, and I'm not. I still care about you just as much, only from a distance. I hope that my feelings will someday be towards you as just a friend and I hope that we can have a normal friendship but right now I understand that we can't do that, my feelings for you are too great and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to pretend that it's any other way.

I've also been reminded to just keep trusting in God. Pastor said something on Sunday that really spoke to me about how sometimes our plans just don't work out because God has a bigger plan for us, whether that's together or apart.

I will wait for you if it's right to, I just wish I could know that you'll do the same.

Dear Amanda

I am IN LOVE with you. I think you know. Will you ever be able to forgive me for feeling this way? I'm so sorry.

Dear Dad

I'm sorry I didn't take the time to wake up like normal and say good morning. Maybe if I had you'd still be here. I'm not angry at you, but I'm sad that you're missing out on everything dads are meant to be here for. I can drive now, I've finished my first year doing law at uni and I hope you'd be proud. God I miss you. XXX.

Dear English Teacher

Mid-July, and I'm sorry to say I'm doing just as poorly as before, if not more so. You told me to email you if i needed to vent, and I find that I can't even do that; I feel I need an excuse to contact you, because why would you want to hear from a downer like me? The sad part is, I know you wouldn't ever think that about me, and you are only concerned. It's me though; it has always been my fault, you know, this kind of thing. I get down on myself enough times, and eventually I come to believe the horrid slander that seemingly constantly occupies my mind is truth. Honest to god, I believe it with all my heart. That is why I can't bring myself to dump more burden onto anyone else's shoulders, even if it means prolonging my life.

I know you wouldn't like to hear that either. You've always contested my view of myself, even when it was unintentional on my part to reveal such to you, and said how I was such a clever girl. Yeah, easy to appear clever in a class of seriously average, mildly dim-witted teenagers whose deepest thoughts pan out to be what their plans for this weekend are and how they hate their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, or how they got so drunk last weekend. I also know that most of these kids respected me, at least in the setting of our loud, sometimes haphazard english class, and did look to me as the voice of reason at times. The truth is, your class is the only one I liked, despite a few crying episodes from the back corner and some seriously scarcastic remarks. I think you know that though, because I never made it a secret that I loved english, only that I loved the class as well.

Looking back on the past year, I can't imagine how you could ever consider me to be a smart girl. Honestly, I'm throwing my life away, and I can't say depression is a valid excuse for such. I'm imfamous, we both know it. It's funny, really. Everyone comes to me with their stories of weekend exploits, because surely everyone knows about my suspensions, not to mention trouble with the law. The sad thing is, I haven't stopped, or slowed. No, see, the way I figure, I'm not going to make it past age 20 (at the oldest). I'm never going to make it to an age where what I do is acceptable, if that even exists, so I might as well live while I can. As you said, some people can afford to lose brain cells, and some people cannot. Despite that, I know that my actions just add to my pending downfall.

I've been put on, and taken myself off of, an antidepressant already. I just didn't feel like me on it, and I know you would understand what I mean when I say that. Yes, I remember the conversation we had about feeding depression, and I know I must play right into it. And yet, I find myself thinking about death constantly. The medicine didn't help that; in actuality, it just made me consider it more seriously. I know what you would say, that this gets better, that once I get out of high school and make it into the real world things will be right for me, and that other people have made it out of this too. The problem is, I just don't see myself being strong enough to bear this much longer. I'm weak, and I hurt the people who love me. Most people never change, and I don't see myself as one of the exceptions to any extent. I know talking to you would help, but I really can't bring myself to contact you.

I hope your summer is going smoothly, and am still grateful for your encouragement to send me into honors next year. English my only non-honors last year, and it wasn't because I didn't have the grade to get into honors; in a self-typical way, I happily contributed to my under accheving. Despite that, I am so grateful to have been a student under your direction, and wouldn't change my decision to be in English II for any dollar amount or bribery of illicit substances. That was the most painful thing, really, how you knew I could be such an amazing student, yet I failed to even attempt it. I missed handing in major projects, inculding the midterm, and came to your class more than a few times mentally altered. You knew that; I don't think you were angry either. I just want to make you aware that I understand how my self-sabatoge hurt you and that I am so infinitely sorry for it.

If I don't make it, I hope someone recognizes my letter and directs you to it. I know, apon reading it, one person who would probably know not only who I am, but who I am refering to as "English Teacher," and I know she would give this to you if I asked her to. If not, I could always mention it in my suicide note, simply to bring it to her attention, and she would follow through for me. I would hope that this wouldn't hurt you more, and that you could some how understand what I mean when I say that I can't continue on in this manner. I know you wouldn't be angry at me, and if at all, only at a wasted life and possible future interrupted. Please, forgive me and this. I know this may all seem heavy, so I'm sorry, but I just had to let you know how I feel.

Thanks for crossing the teacher-student boundries and trying to reach out to me, because it really did help. You were an amazing teacher, and despite anything anyone might say or what you might think, you're not a "soft" teacher. It was a joy to be your student, and you taught me some things I don't think I'll ever forget. Thank you for all you've done.

Dear Mike

I still can’t believe it happened. I can’t believe how much life has changed. Everything seemed so different back then. Things were fucked up, and though they still are, it’s now in a completely different manner.

How did things change so much so fast?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I’m not the only one who misses you. Fucked up as you were, you were also a great friend to have. I’m so deeply sorry for how things worked out.

It seems to be so long ago and just yesterday at the same time, the last time I saw you, sometime in October. Heather’s birthday, at the bar. We hung out, drank beer, and all talked together. Everyone seemed so happy, you included. We even managed to drag you out of the house for a night. Sorry you never got that duck.

I’m also sorry that things couldn’t have been different. I’ll always hold dear all the nights we stayed up until 10 am drinking and doing coke. I don’t miss the drugs, but I miss the times, and the conversations. I miss you. How the fuck did this happen?

Since then, I’ve changed a lot. I still drink too much, but I’ve stayed off the drugs. You knew I quit, and I’ve stayed resolute about it. So has almost everyone else. Almost all of us are clean now.

I’ve also found a girl who means a lot to me. I’m even able to be completely honest with her, which is rare for me, as I’m sure you know. If it wasn’t for all the drugs and alcohol I probably never would have been with you guys, but I was able to. I hope you know it really did mean something, even if it was drug induced.

I’m sorry now that I didn’t meet you until I did. I wish I had known you so much longer. I’m glad, though, that I at least did get to know you, and to really call you a friend. I’m glad I took the time to visit while you were in jail. I’m glad for all the great times we had.

I’m also glad I got to see you that last time, on Heather’s birthday. I didn’t know then that I never would again. I’m so sorry for what happened.

We all miss you. I’m not the only one, I promise. This has hit us all so hard.

Two weeks after I last saw you, while I was out of town, I found out that you had died of an overdose. I was instantly overwhelmed with sadness. In a way, I still am. Every time I drive by your place, or see something that reminds me of you, I feel like breaking down. I don’t know why it hurt so much, you’re not the first person close to me I’ve lost, but something about this was so much worse than all the others. I can’t put my finger on it, but maybe it’s just the way that you seemed so much more than what people saw you as.

You were more than anyone knew, I think, and I think you knew it, yet never let it overwhelm you. You weren’t a snob, but I think you knew you had much more to offer than you’d ever be given the chance to.

I wish you had been given that chance.

Anyone

All I want to do is tell someone how alone I feel, but that's the trouble with feeling lonely, you don't have anyone to talk to, for all the bullshit people say 'just say something and it'll flow', it never makes it better, trust me, I know from experience. Nothing is easy to do when you hate yourself, most mornings I don't even try to look good anymore, I've given up my hope of that, what's the point, I won't have the guts to talk to anyone, let alone someone I like.

I just dress somewhat nice for myself, to give myself something to feel slightly good about, black is the only colour I always know is in, that's why I wear it. I'm not a member of the black parade, I'm a genuinely lonely person who can't figure out if they actually enjoy being depressed and lonely or whether I really am both of the above but think I can't be that pathetic.

I like listening to depressing songs to embrace my sadness, but they're all so catchy, it gets me going and enjoying it, until I realise how bad I felt moments ago and just give in. my best friend couldn't even tell me he'd moved out of his flat and I criticise him for it, but he doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand the little things matter so much to me, because it's all I have left. The last girl I was interested in criticised how my reactions were so varied, how I had no 'medium' setting, but emotion is all I have inside of me, I don't have any hope any more, I'm just going through the motions, praying one day I'll say something aloud, praying I can get the courage to tell everyone I just want to be saved. I want to save people, I want the world to be a good place.

But I won't let myself.

I'm full of self-importance, self-hatred, self-pity, self-examination, I'm so involved in me that I can't even justify helping anyone else, everybody stopped listening anyway. And I blame you Dave. You're death put me in the worst funk I've ever been in, as bad as I was before, now I just can't… i…

Gemma, you will probably never know how important you were to me, I genuinely loved you, I would've done anything for you at one point, I'm not sure I'd ever have done that for Joe and Joel as much as I insisted I would. That night you told me about that guy basically forcing you to have sex with him I was going to go through your phone and find out where he lived and do whatever I could to him. I wanted to beat him, but for all my threats I wouldn't, because I can never follow through, i couldn't even tell you how I felt, and so I pushed you away, and you reacted, as I knew you would. I like to think I knew you better than you thought, but you were never predictable, you were never boring, you were you, for all your faults, for all your glory, you knew who you were, even if you couldn't see what you wanted to be.

Joel, I'm sorry I'm not a better friend, you should've given up on me a long time ago, I don't pay attention always, I fear seeing you because you're such a good guy and you deserve a better friend than me. You're the nicest person I've ever met and everyone agrees, I love you more than words can say, I fear you as well, because you're the person I wish I was in every single way.

Mum and dad… I resent you, it's a cliché, but I do, mum, when you lied to me about going to a shrink, I've never forgiven you, and I doubt I ever will. You always say you know what I'm going through, but you don't, you didn't have dad, but you had all the girls, and you know you did, you ahd them because you WOULD talk to them, not because youcould, because you would. I don't have that honour. Dad, I'm just sorry I'm not the man you wish I was, every time I talk to you I feel like I've shamed you, I want to make you proud, but I just can't, I'm not anything you are, I love you, but only because we're blood, you make me feel so weak, I know you don't try to, but you just do.

Zoe and mark, I wish you so much happiness, mark you are the most amusing guy ever, the fact you even acknowledge I'm in the house makes me smile because you don't feel like you have to like everyone else, you want to say hello. Zoe, I wish I could still tell you everything, I feel like you abandoned me when I most needed it, but you had a life and boys to contend with, but don't think for a moment I resent you, if it weren't for you I WOULD be dead, you're my big baby sister and you're probably the only person in the world I'll ever be able to be honest with. Please save me

I'm, trying to give up my most horrid addiction, which I can't even type here, I feel such shame for it and I'm afraid it's only time before I give into it again, I would never act upon impulses, it's not in my nature, thankfully, but I hate myself for it. It could hurt me so much I could never explain,. And I'm sorry. To me more than anyone.

Dear Dad

Its been 6 months and 10 days since you killed yourself. It’s been 6 months and 10 days since I last saw you alive. I miss you and I love you. I wish so, so badly that I told you that I loved you. I wish so badly that I hadn’t made you feel that I hated you. I hate myself for demanding so many things. I hate myself for not saying I love you too when you kissed me that last final day. I hate that I don’t remember the last glimpse I had of you alive. I hate that I don’t feel I have the right to mourn you. I love you. I wish so badly I could say it to you. I hate that sometimes I feel glad that you killed yourself. I hate that.
I wish you were here. So, so badly. I’m only 17. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I want you. I hate that in your fucking letter you wrote all those crappy words that I couldn’t give a damn for. All it made me realize is how little you know me. Knew me. I hate that I didn’t get to have a normal relationship with u. i haven’t cried in god knows how long. I wish I could cry and just feel better for a few minutes. Every time I think of you I feel empty. I can’t even admit to myself of the things I’m feeling. I wish you would hug me and kiss me and tell me that I’m the daughter you could have only dreamed off and that you were proud of me. I wish that so bad. I love you. I love you. I feel so much regret it chokes me up. I wondered in the beginning why you did it. Now I can’t. I don’t want to. It’s pointless. Mom and sis spend so much time i wondering why and blaming you. Why can’t I be mad at you? Why can’t I yell at you for being so stupid? I understand. That’s why. I understand the overwhelming need to give up and the relief of giving into it. I only wish you knew that I’d understand.
Of all the things I regret it’s that you never knew me, the person I was and the person I am now. I wish you could tell me you are proud of the person I’ve become and the changes I’ve made in my life. I miss you. I miss being comforted and protected. I miss your unconditional love and support. I miss having simple comfort and knowing you’ll understand. I miss that you didn’t depend on me for anything and I could feel safe. I still feel pangs of sadness when my friend told me her father taught her driving. I hate that I know how inconsequential money is. All I want is you. I want to be ignorant and arrogant and high on all the things teenagers should be on. I hate that I feel responsible and I hate even more when I don’t handle my responsibilities well.
I’m grown up now daddy. I wish I could get by the feeling that I don’t have as much right to mourn you as mom and akka do. I wish I could get past the feeling that they loved you more. That you loved them more. I wish I could feel more than weariness when I think of all this. I thank you with all my heart for the childhood you gave me, imperfect though it may have been. I know you did your best. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I miss you so much more than you’ll never know. My deepest fear now is of drowning. I hope you know that. I also hope you know that I hated you that night by the well. I don’t anymore. I understand that you had to go. I just wish that i had been less selfish and more demonstrative. Maybe you wouldn’t have died.
I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you for taking the effort to research for my seminar even though you were so busy. I’m sorry for feeling ashamed of your looks when I was young and didn’t want to take you to open house. I’m sorry for disappointing you when you told me to work harder. I’m sorry that I told you I didn’t want to buy akka’s birthday card because I was busy when I wasn’t and you were so tired. I’m sorry for feeling like I had to rebel and answer rudely to you every time we argued. I’m sorry for not telling you I respect you for the man you were. I’m sorry.
I love you daddy and I miss you. And I am very, very sorry.