Dear Mom

I finally see.
And I hope you forgive me.

To My Dearest Love

You don't know how much your presence has empowered me over the years. I have fought back dark thoughts, ill portents, and dire compulsions all for you. By being around, this hollow, sorry form is made better and whole. But I've never told you.

Fears for our future, for the children we will one day have, and the lessons we will attempt to instill in them constantly mock with their torments. The idea that I could fail not only you, but the tiny lives we will bring into the world paralyzes me with terror. But I've never told you.

Questions about our relationship, though my love for you is deeper than space and time, swim nonchalantly through a mental menagerie, wild and untamed. If you were to waste a future on me, forgiveness would be denied for the offence perpetrated. The future is a scary thing, and though you only think on it, it has tainted me with depression and mal-content. But I've never told you.

The stresses that plague you, the doubts that fill your mind, even the demons of the past and present that gnaw at your will and determination, they all weigh down on me as well. The stress of my life is sometimes too much for me to bear. I weep in the night, alone, always after you've called and released your pain onto me, gave it to me to hold and carry. I show no weakness, you need my strength, but the cracks are beginning to show. The pillars and supports are starting to wear. But I've never told you.

And for your sake, I never will.

With all the love my heart, body, and soul will ever be able to give.

Anyone

All I want to do is tell someone how alone I feel, but that's the trouble with feeling lonely, you don't have anyone to talk to, for all the bullshit people say 'just say something and it'll flow', it never makes it better, trust me, I know from experience. Nothing is easy to do when you hate yourself, most mornings I don't even try to look good anymore, I've given up my hope of that, what's the point, I won't have the guts to talk to anyone, let alone someone I like.

I just dress somewhat nice for myself, to give myself something to feel slightly good about, black is the only colour I always know is in, that's why I wear it. I'm not a member of the black parade, I'm a genuinely lonely person who can't figure out if they actually enjoy being depressed and lonely or whether I really am both of the above but think I can't be that pathetic.

I like listening to depressing songs to embrace my sadness, but they're all so catchy, it gets me going and enjoying it, until I realise how bad I felt moments ago and just give in. my best friend couldn't even tell me he'd moved out of his flat and I criticise him for it, but he doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand the little things matter so much to me, because it's all I have left. The last girl I was interested in criticised how my reactions were so varied, how I had no 'medium' setting, but emotion is all I have inside of me, I don't have any hope any more, I'm just going through the motions, praying one day I'll say something aloud, praying I can get the courage to tell everyone I just want to be saved. I want to save people, I want the world to be a good place.

But I won't let myself.

I'm full of self-importance, self-hatred, self-pity, self-examination, I'm so involved in me that I can't even justify helping anyone else, everybody stopped listening anyway. And I blame you Dave. You're death put me in the worst funk I've ever been in, as bad as I was before, now I just can't… i…

Gemma, you will probably never know how important you were to me, I genuinely loved you, I would've done anything for you at one point, I'm not sure I'd ever have done that for Joe and Joel as much as I insisted I would. That night you told me about that guy basically forcing you to have sex with him I was going to go through your phone and find out where he lived and do whatever I could to him. I wanted to beat him, but for all my threats I wouldn't, because I can never follow through, i couldn't even tell you how I felt, and so I pushed you away, and you reacted, as I knew you would. I like to think I knew you better than you thought, but you were never predictable, you were never boring, you were you, for all your faults, for all your glory, you knew who you were, even if you couldn't see what you wanted to be.

Joel, I'm sorry I'm not a better friend, you should've given up on me a long time ago, I don't pay attention always, I fear seeing you because you're such a good guy and you deserve a better friend than me. You're the nicest person I've ever met and everyone agrees, I love you more than words can say, I fear you as well, because you're the person I wish I was in every single way.

Mum and dad… I resent you, it's a cliché, but I do, mum, when you lied to me about going to a shrink, I've never forgiven you, and I doubt I ever will. You always say you know what I'm going through, but you don't, you didn't have dad, but you had all the girls, and you know you did, you ahd them because you WOULD talk to them, not because youcould, because you would. I don't have that honour. Dad, I'm just sorry I'm not the man you wish I was, every time I talk to you I feel like I've shamed you, I want to make you proud, but I just can't, I'm not anything you are, I love you, but only because we're blood, you make me feel so weak, I know you don't try to, but you just do.

Zoe and mark, I wish you so much happiness, mark you are the most amusing guy ever, the fact you even acknowledge I'm in the house makes me smile because you don't feel like you have to like everyone else, you want to say hello. Zoe, I wish I could still tell you everything, I feel like you abandoned me when I most needed it, but you had a life and boys to contend with, but don't think for a moment I resent you, if it weren't for you I WOULD be dead, you're my big baby sister and you're probably the only person in the world I'll ever be able to be honest with. Please save me

I'm, trying to give up my most horrid addiction, which I can't even type here, I feel such shame for it and I'm afraid it's only time before I give into it again, I would never act upon impulses, it's not in my nature, thankfully, but I hate myself for it. It could hurt me so much I could never explain,. And I'm sorry. To me more than anyone.

Dear Grandpa

When you were lying in that hospital bed, I hope you could hear me. I hope you could hear my tell you about how good Detroit was doing in the play offs. I know they have always been your favorite. I hope you could hear me telling you about little Zachary, and how big he is getting. But most of all, I hope you could hear me tell you I love you. It was the first time I had ever told you that. 16 years of my life went by, without ever telling you, or really any member of my family how much I appreciate them. I think I over used the words "I love you" to useless men, and friends who I really wouldn't notice if I never spoke to again. But to you, someone who is one of the most gentle, and giving men I have ever met, I had not ever uttered those three little words. I can still remember the time when you and grandma took me to McDonalds, and you ate all of the little crispy fries I wouldn't eat. You said they were your favorites. They are my favorites now. I meant it when I told you I loved you. I should have said a hundred times before, but at this point hoping you heard me is all I can wish. I love you Grandpa.

PS. I haven't been able to eat a Werther's carmel since you left. They just don't taste the same.