Dear make out buddy

Hey, I'm actually in love with you. Like, seriously in love with you. I wish you didn't have a fear of commitment and that you would want to be with me forever. When we were both drunk and you admitted to being in love with me, I think my heart skipped a beat. Perhaps alcohol makes you honest, I don't know, I think about that moment a lot. I also think about when I was crying and you laid there with me holding my hand for hours. I thought you cared about me a lot in that moment.

I know that this whole "make out buddy" thing is just supposed to be just that...

But it's hard to not get my feelings mixed up with kissing and sex, you know?

I know this isn't going to go anywhere, I wish it would, but my expectations of this whole thing between us is very low.

Let's get high together and not worry about a thing, alright? Sound good?

I love you.

Dear You

I don't know where to begin or how to explain myself to you.
I love you.
Always have. Always will.

We have been friends for almost four years now. It has been simultaneously the most fantastic and depressing time of my life. I love spending time with you. You are one of the most gorgeous people I have ever met inside and out.

Nothing was said in the early stages of our friendship. But I think you liked me (maybe you didnt, maybe I was seeing what i wanted to), and I liked you. I have been regretting my inability to take what I want and hold onto it forever. You are what I want. I never voiced how I felt back then because you were one of my best friends' boyfriend. I loved you when you were with her. But when you broke up. I couldn't bring myself to let it all out, all my feelings, in case I hurt her. I wish I had. My friendship with her dissolved, and I am still sitting on the sideline of your life. I should have done what i had wanted, and put myself priority one.

Earlier this year, I took my chances and broke down, I cried in front of you and told you the only person I ever want to be with is you. I cried because I was so scared you would not want me, that I was not pretty enough for you, smart enough for you, or just 'the one' for you.

I was right.

You didnt want me. But I still stood by. I think I am addicted to you. Regardless of how much it pains me when you have a girlfriend, especially one who makes you happy, because I know I can never, ever be that girl for you, I still want to spend every minute of every hour of everyday with you.

You are one of the most caring, sensitive, serious and stupid, funny, random, amazing people I have ever met. I am so scared with each new girlfriend you get, that she will be the one. Because I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Unrequited love yes, but no one else will ever measure up to how you make me feel. I want to be beautiful for you. I want to be the one for you. I want to the the one you love unconditionally. But I am not.

I like you because you are funny. You can poke fun at yourself, laugh at yourself when you do stupid things, you are just comfortable with who you are, I truly admire and adore you for that. I bag on you all the time. I know. I don't know if it honestly upsets you or you really know I am joking with you. You see, if I didnt poke fun at you, i would blurt out how gorgeuos I think you are, your eyes, your strong jawline, your big arms! your great voice. If I didn't bag on you. I would have to tell you how much I love you everyday. How completely and utterly flawless you are to me, yes physically, but also in your personality. Whenever you drop me home, you don't drive away until I am in the front door, safe. You hug me and cheer me up when I am sad. Which unbeknowns to you is usually because I have a little epiphany and realise you won't ever be mine. It pains me. I can't tell you how I feel. I already have and I wasn't good enough. I will never measure up to your previous girlfriends. You have had so many and I am envious of all of them because they were on the receiving end of your affection.... But they didn't realise how lucky they were to be with you. They were all prettier than me. They always will be. Because they are like you. The beautiful people. I, on the otherhand am not one of them. I am that girl that hangs out with the boys. Not because I want to be one of the boys. I want to be WITH one of the boys.

You know what else? When I was still at school I would cry myself to sleep. Not because you were ever horrible or nasty to me. But because you were so amazing to me and I just knew deep down that I never had a chance to be a piece of your life that was irreplaceable. I don't cry about you anymore. I don't have any tears left. I try to accept that you do not want me. But it is so hard. You have no idea. You have always had the girls you want. Always been pursued by someone. I have not. I do not get attention from the boys, I am not one of the pretty little girls the boys want. I am a mate, I muck around with the boys and no one, not even you sees me as I am, a girl, I spose a woman now. I have never been with anyone, because I feared that if I took the plunge, you might miraculously decide you wanted me. So I have always been single. Because even when there is someone else. I cannot stop thinking about you and wishing he was you.

I have told my friends I am over you. That I can't see myself with you. I told them that so they wouldn't hate you, they think you did the wrong thing by me. By leaving it a week before telling me 'it would be weird' to be with me, a whole agonising week where I foolishly convinced myself you would say you wanted me, you always have, and it would work out like it does in the movies, or like it has for my friends. They don't really understand how I feel because they have boyfriends. They have been sought after and ultimately they are with someone they want to be with.

I would throw away everything to be with you. I truly believe I could spend the rest of my life with you and be happy. I wouldn't care if we had no money, or friends, or anything, just the fact I knew you wanted to be by my side for the rest of your life would be enough for me.

I don't understand our relationship fully. We are not just friends, but we are not a couple, we are some awkward stage in between. We have never kissed, or slept together. But you hug me. You hold my hand when we watch a movie at your house. You make me happy.

I am moving away next year for university. For the next chapter in my life. You know what scares me the most? That I will leave, and you will forget about me. You will find another girlfriend who you will be with and eventually marry. And that I won't be able to see you, or look at you everyday like I have been this year. That's why I watch you when we are habging out, or at work. I admire you. Your face, your thoughts, your jokes. I don't need words when I spend time with you because you are enough to make me happy.

I want to be yours forever.
I am not whole without you.
I have fun with you.
You make me happy.
I love you infinitely.
I always will.

Dear Ryan

I was in love with you. No, I worshiped the grown you walked on, pretty much my entire youth. I think deep down you knew, behind your "I'm just a good christian boy" altitude. Every week, twice a week, I would get excited just to see your face and hear you play music in the church band. But, I was just this girl in the youth, your sister.
You missed out. You missed out on the best thing that could've happened for you. I admit, years later, and now, happily engaged, I'm still bitter. I find you on myspace, just to look at your pictures and get bitter, to look at her face. The girl who's obviously something I'm not, something that I couldn't live up to. I see her face, and get even angrier.

You told me Ryan, you told me you couldn't date because you weren't ready, but why is it, right after you told me that, you met this girl. I'm over you, I'm not still in love with you the way I was, when you'd flirt with me with your eyes, I'm over you, I'm just not over the fact that for four years, you lead me on, telling me that we'd date when you were ready, leading me on by telling me I was beautiful... then.. you signed my yearbook, Junior year, with "Love you thru Christ, SISTER"

I still remember when I met him, the actual one, the one who was really worth it, you then tried to come around, "do you want to get lunch maybe sometime".. no thanks jerk, I've actually got a real man to eat with now. how exciting would it have been anyways? What would we have talked about? Your Arrogant self, or maybe your Guitar, or maybe even how great of a christian you are, because I know you LOOVED hearing that.
Where are you going this summer? El Salvador?
Ryan, you suck. Why did I waste my time loving you?

Dear Amanda

I am IN LOVE with you. I think you know. Will you ever be able to forgive me for feeling this way? I'm so sorry.

Dear Smiling London Bus Guy

You: Tall, light brown wavy shortish hair on bus that stopped outside Kings cross station at stop E on saturday may 12th where we both got on...Me: Long blondy hair, sky blue t-shirt, got off in Islington at about 5pm.
I wish i'd spoken to you when i had the chance.

Probably won't read this, but it was worth a shot...just to let you know i'm trying to find you...