Dear Katie Holmes Cruise

I read the interview in InStyle this month and I am sad to say that life is not as you believe it to be.
One day you will wake up and you will realize that there is no such thing as happily ever after. There is happiness, yes, but eventually it requires effort beyond what money and a positive attitude can buy. Do not overestimate your situation.

Dear Topher Grace

We should go on a date. My husband won't mind. OK, so he might a little upset - but if you pose for a picture with him, he'll be totally cool with it and then we can be on our way.

You are funny and not a publicity whore. This is attractive. I also am funny and not a publicity whore. Also, lets not forget that I have a hot bod. I read any interview with you that I come across and I giggle (I e-mail them to my husband and he giggles too.) I eagerly anticipate Kids in America. Perhaps you need a red carpet date? I'm available. If you're interested, I'll be here.

Sincerely,
HotButteredPopcorn

Ps. If you're not interested, please pass this letter onto Johnny Depp.. or Jake Gyllenhall...or you know, even Michael Cera (he's young for me, but I could probably teach him a thing or two.) Just cross out the parts about you and fill them in with equally flattering and witty things. I trust your abilities.

Dear Jim Belushi

Please get off my TV. You are not funny, and honestly, you never have been. I had nothing but respect for your late brother, but you sir, are a jackass. You come across not as a buffoon, as you would hope to, but as a dickhead. You seem arrogant and you definitely seem unfunny.

I would appreciate it if you would retire.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this.