Dear Grandma (good grandma. best grandma)

Ever since you passed away I haven't even been to a Hardees. All I can think about is when I would wake up and you would say, "Hey Lynny!" and you'd have gotten the biscuits and gravy from there.

The night you died I came and saw you. You could no longer speak. I told you I was going to graduate. I was going to go to college. I was going to follow all of my dreams, just like you would always tell me to.

Two years have gone by, and I did not graduate on time. I am currently enrolled in a Summer Program to make up my missing credit. I have applied to zero colleges. I have not taken the SAT. I wonder if I have disappointed you. I am so sorry.

You told me you wish you could've saw my play. You died two weeks before it opened. I performed that night for you. All of those nights for you. I wish you could've saw. It was my last big moment on that stage.

At your funeral I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. They would not stop playing "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong." I can't bring myself to even hear one sentence of that song anymore.

Grandma.
Frances.
You were and are the strongest woman I know.
You live on forever within me.
I believe in guardian angels because you are mine.
I miss you everyday.
I could say all the words in the world, but they would never bring you back.
I hope there is a Heaven, and I hope you're there making lasagne for everyone.
Your lasagne was always the best.
I love you.

Dear B.

Since you went to heaven 4 years ago things have changed. It wasn't that my life was great, but since then it sucks..
I have my good times. And even more bad times. I struggle with life, with food, with my self esteem, with my parents, with my sister. Well, you've probably seen it all from upstairs.. And I don't say that you made it happen, it's just that I miss you, and when you would be here
things might have been different.. We could have talked about it and it would all be gone, instead of growing bigger and bigger..

I'm just so freaking perfectionistic.. I know.. And I don't know how to change it. I feel like I failed in school, with love and with achieving what my parents want me to achieve.. Just because I'm not the best, but second best. So I try to control whatever I can, and even that fails, because I get hungry and start eating again.. nd I just want to be happy again, and stop being so freaky..

And now.. I think I'm starting to develop a crush on your brother.. I can't fall in love with him! First of all because I really don't know how to open myself up for anyone, because I'm scared all the crap will come out.. And second of all, what if he doesn't like me? It would be so awkward! And we are so totally different..

I don't know how to fix it.. I don't know how to fix myself.. And I do know that I should see a shrink to talk about my problems, but I'm afraid of what my family will say.. Let alone what your brother will think if he would find out..

I'm scared and broken..

Bye my best friend..