Next month will be two years since I left you. Two years since that day I
called you and told you that I would not be coming back home to you. What a
long two years it has been. I was such a broken person back then.
Everything in my life fell apart after I left you. Everything. The floor
fell out from underneath me and I wondered sometimes if I was going to make
it. It's been a long, arduous ascent to a place that I can consider to be
normalcy.
I'd like to genuinely thank you for showing me who you were when you did.
You shouldn't have waited until after we got married but thank God you
didn't wait until after we'd had children. Thank you for showing me who you
were soon enough for me to get out of it and not make a complete mess of my
life and any other person's who might have come along into our little world
of hell. I'm grateful that you chose to no longer hide it. Well maybe you
just got tired. Four and a half years is a long time to be a hypocrite.
Thank you too, for showing me, for defining for me so acutely, so concisely,
and so precisely what I DO NOT want in a relationship. Ever. Ever again.
Thank you for being the exact opposite of everything I had ever hoped and
dreamed of in a marriage, and in a husband. Thank you too, for never truly
treating me as your wife and never giving me the rightful place I deserved
in your life. For placing me third or fourth on the totem pole of those
things deemed important in your life. I know it sounds like I'm being
sarcastic but honestly I'm not. I learnt so much from being with you. And
after I left you, I realised that I'd been given a second chance at
happiness. And I grabbed it.
I've done a lot of work on myself in these past two years. I've grown in
leaps and bounds and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm the
most authentic I have ever been. More comfortable in my skin than I have
ever been. I look great. I feel great. And I am happy. Not everything is
perfect in my life. Some things are far from. But I can deal with them.
All in all, life is pretty good.
But the reason I'm really writing you this letter is to thank you for
preparing me for the one that I have now. He is, in short, everything I
have ever wanted and more. He is loving, and kind, and gentle and sweet and
adoring. He worships me and would do anything for me. And I love him. He
makes me a better person. He makes me want to be everything you tried to
force me to be. But with him it is effortless. But more importantly, he
doesn't need me to change a thing about myself. He loves me exactly as I
am. He delights in me. And he's proud of me. He's made it all better.
And for the first time in my life, I understand what it feels like to want
to have children with someone. And to want to grow old with someone. And
to not feel resigned to your future, but excited and full of hope and
optimism. I've met my true soul mate. And I want to thank you. For being
so wrong for me. Because if you hadn't been so wrong for me I might still
be with you. And I'd have missed my true calling. So I'm grateful for
everything you are and everything you did because you see...in the end it
was SO worth it.
Your soon to be Ex-Wife
Showing posts with label thank you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thank you. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Sunday, October 28, 2007
hey mother
your birthday's coming up. i always think about what i can do to show you how much i love you, and not just get you a shirt or a new kitchen item. i'll probably get a tattoo on my arm for you. something that will be with me at all times to remind me of you. i don't really need it though, i'm reminded every day. when i show love and compassion towards others it reminds me of you. when people tell me that i have a great smile, it reminds me of yours. when i'm dropping gratuitous f-bombs, i can hear you saying my name in that voice that means you're shocked and disappointed that such a thing would come out of my mouth...even though it comes out every 6 words or so.
i'm so proud of you as a woman and as a parent. i see what you do to other people when you're around them. people love you, and why not? you are funny, and more importantly you laugh a lot. you are beautiful, kind hearted, and aware. you continue to grow even in your 50's, and continue to amaze me with your ability to do so. you're not set in your ways, and you still think of other possibilities out there.
you love dad. you guys are still together. there's no doubt in my mind that it took so much patience and strength for you two to get through it all. i'm very grateful that you did. i'm special in that my parents have been together for 35 years and will likely remain together forever. forever isn't a term proved to be anything but a fantasy these days. you prove that it's still alive.
i'm so excited to see you for christmas, and i'm sorry that i only get to see you two or three times a year. i had to move and try something new, but i promise that i'll be back. i don't want to miss many more years with you being a constant presence in my life. maybe i'll let you open up that restaurant for me, and i'll be there to not only be your chef, but to be your active son again.
i love you and miss you so much. i'm lucky that i was picked to be your son.
i'm so proud of you as a woman and as a parent. i see what you do to other people when you're around them. people love you, and why not? you are funny, and more importantly you laugh a lot. you are beautiful, kind hearted, and aware. you continue to grow even in your 50's, and continue to amaze me with your ability to do so. you're not set in your ways, and you still think of other possibilities out there.
you love dad. you guys are still together. there's no doubt in my mind that it took so much patience and strength for you two to get through it all. i'm very grateful that you did. i'm special in that my parents have been together for 35 years and will likely remain together forever. forever isn't a term proved to be anything but a fantasy these days. you prove that it's still alive.
i'm so excited to see you for christmas, and i'm sorry that i only get to see you two or three times a year. i had to move and try something new, but i promise that i'll be back. i don't want to miss many more years with you being a constant presence in my life. maybe i'll let you open up that restaurant for me, and i'll be there to not only be your chef, but to be your active son again.
i love you and miss you so much. i'm lucky that i was picked to be your son.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
To the younger guy from Virginia who hit on me during Pitchfork:
You were somewhat drunk, somewhat being egged on by your friends, but I thank you. It has been a while (never) since I was hit on in a chatty, enthusiastic way by someone that I would never think would be interested in even talking to me. Even though you talked during most of the New Pornographers set, and it took me a few songs to realize that you were going to be persistent and wide-eyed in getting me to talk to you, I thank you. My boyfriend was being inattentive and wouldn’t get out of his lawn chair when the band came on, and I left in a huff to get up to the stage. I was feeling more than a little dismissed and unattractive (those always go hand-in-hand), and your insistence on telling me every detail of your post-college trip to Australia and your plans to pitch your office job to live the indie life that you were loving here in Chicago made me remember that there are other boys, for better and for worse, and many more conversations that someone will want to have with me. While I knew that it wouldn’t be you, and I made a lame excuse to get back to my lawn chair- bound group as the set ended, I thank you. You made a divorced, mid-30’s lady feel reasonably interesting in a field of young hipsters and oblivious boyfriends. Thanks.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Dear Dad
I'm sorry I could never call you that, although you were the closest I ever had. Even at 12, I knew he wouldn't be a dad ever again, but I still couldn't. I am so glad that I hugged you and told you I loved you that day that we ate breakfast together. Whenever I think of you, I picture you sitting there, talking animatedly and smiling. We were all so happy. You were excited for us.
Now you are gone. And so are we. Would you be proud? Or feel let down? I want to cry so much about all the things you are missing. I see things daily that make me think of you. I see so many beautiful things that you would love and will never get to experience. So many beautiful places you never got to see. I see the changes in the world that you were always hoping for: a growing awareness of the impact we have on the environment, a greater drive for acceptance of others. I can only cry when I think about how excited you would be about the specter of change.
Would you be proud of us? Would you feel we were pursuing a dream or abandoning our family? Based on our last conversation, I think you would say were are pursuing a dream. I think that you recognized that life is short and you need to take risks sometimes to get what you want. Ironic, since you only had a week left to live.
I still have your baseball mitt. The summer before the accident, Mom brought some stuff over for a yard sale. The mitt was in there, and I kept it out. It's in box, waiting for the right person. Waiting for someone who will use it and will listen when we tell stories about you. Unfortunately, that person will never be able to know how wonderful you really were, how you gave up your own dreams in order to be with my family. We became your dream, and I thank you.
I see you everywhere. In the mountains. In the lazy currents of a river in summer. In the waves crashing down and washing away the shore. In the way a dragonfly darts through the yard.
I don't believe in God. I don't believe we will ever meet again on some otherworldly cloud. But I do believe that you are always with me, in the earth and the ocean and the life that thrives around me. I just with you could see it all with me.
Now you are gone. And so are we. Would you be proud? Or feel let down? I want to cry so much about all the things you are missing. I see things daily that make me think of you. I see so many beautiful things that you would love and will never get to experience. So many beautiful places you never got to see. I see the changes in the world that you were always hoping for: a growing awareness of the impact we have on the environment, a greater drive for acceptance of others. I can only cry when I think about how excited you would be about the specter of change.
Would you be proud of us? Would you feel we were pursuing a dream or abandoning our family? Based on our last conversation, I think you would say were are pursuing a dream. I think that you recognized that life is short and you need to take risks sometimes to get what you want. Ironic, since you only had a week left to live.
I still have your baseball mitt. The summer before the accident, Mom brought some stuff over for a yard sale. The mitt was in there, and I kept it out. It's in box, waiting for the right person. Waiting for someone who will use it and will listen when we tell stories about you. Unfortunately, that person will never be able to know how wonderful you really were, how you gave up your own dreams in order to be with my family. We became your dream, and I thank you.
I see you everywhere. In the mountains. In the lazy currents of a river in summer. In the waves crashing down and washing away the shore. In the way a dragonfly darts through the yard.
I don't believe in God. I don't believe we will ever meet again on some otherworldly cloud. But I do believe that you are always with me, in the earth and the ocean and the life that thrives around me. I just with you could see it all with me.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Dear X - Thank You
You are never going to know how much of a difference you have made in my life, because I'm too shy to tell you and I'm afraid that if I tried you wouldn't believe me.
You made me face my demons through writing them down, something I had never wanted to accept before. And I was able to move forward and not let them control me--because of you.
I'm not the girl you met two years ago, or the girl you drew out of her shell a year ago. Thanks to you, I was able to come out to my mother. She'd been coaxing me for two years and I was so angry and afraid I couldn't face it. But last October I finally told her.
In all of our lives, I have seen you for twelve days. By August it will be eighteen days, if I'm lucky. I know you wouldn't believe me if I told you how much you've meant to me, because we hardly know each other. But you really have given me so much.
A year ago you gave me a book of your poetry. A small, independent book with thirty pages and a lotus on the front. What you don't know is that I keep it in the drawer in my bedside table, and I've read it so much that it's bent and the pages are slightly darkened from all the wear.
You have a beautiful, amazing spirit. You gave my life new purpose. And I'll always remember that.
Thank you.
And I will write this down and then,
I will not be alone again--
Yeah, I was out here listening all the time.
--Dar Williams
You made me face my demons through writing them down, something I had never wanted to accept before. And I was able to move forward and not let them control me--because of you.
I'm not the girl you met two years ago, or the girl you drew out of her shell a year ago. Thanks to you, I was able to come out to my mother. She'd been coaxing me for two years and I was so angry and afraid I couldn't face it. But last October I finally told her.
In all of our lives, I have seen you for twelve days. By August it will be eighteen days, if I'm lucky. I know you wouldn't believe me if I told you how much you've meant to me, because we hardly know each other. But you really have given me so much.
A year ago you gave me a book of your poetry. A small, independent book with thirty pages and a lotus on the front. What you don't know is that I keep it in the drawer in my bedside table, and I've read it so much that it's bent and the pages are slightly darkened from all the wear.
You have a beautiful, amazing spirit. You gave my life new purpose. And I'll always remember that.
Thank you.
And I will write this down and then,
I will not be alone again--
Yeah, I was out here listening all the time.
--Dar Williams
Friday, June 22, 2007
Dear Cleo Phillips
of Rogers Middle School
Spencer, OK
I have to admit, I don't remember much from our textbook of your American Civics class. But I remember you and the life lessons you taught us.
1) Out of all you're getting, get an understanding.
2) If you don't like the way something is done in your community, change it.
3) If you don't vote, you have no right to complain about the way things turn out.
I am an adult now with a family and a mortgage and a community that I feel responsible for. It is you I credit for teaching me that my participation matters, that my opinion matters and that I am smart enough to make a difference.
I've tried to find you to thank you in person for what you did for me and my other classmates 23 years ago, but you've disappeared. It's a shame, because you deserve to be remembered. You should know that you made a wonderful difference in the life of that 12 year old girl.
Those were tough times at a tough school with no money. No doubt many teachers today face the same obstacles. But you are proof that the quality and character of teachers matter far more than what our education budgets show and that even unruly, ungrateful children can become productive, appreciative adults if they just have adults like you who believe in them and are willing to stand firm when others would walk away.
Wherever you are Mr. Phillips, THANK YOU. I hope you see this.
Spencer, OK
I have to admit, I don't remember much from our textbook of your American Civics class. But I remember you and the life lessons you taught us.
1) Out of all you're getting, get an understanding.
2) If you don't like the way something is done in your community, change it.
3) If you don't vote, you have no right to complain about the way things turn out.
I am an adult now with a family and a mortgage and a community that I feel responsible for. It is you I credit for teaching me that my participation matters, that my opinion matters and that I am smart enough to make a difference.
I've tried to find you to thank you in person for what you did for me and my other classmates 23 years ago, but you've disappeared. It's a shame, because you deserve to be remembered. You should know that you made a wonderful difference in the life of that 12 year old girl.
Those were tough times at a tough school with no money. No doubt many teachers today face the same obstacles. But you are proof that the quality and character of teachers matter far more than what our education budgets show and that even unruly, ungrateful children can become productive, appreciative adults if they just have adults like you who believe in them and are willing to stand firm when others would walk away.
Wherever you are Mr. Phillips, THANK YOU. I hope you see this.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Dear Open Letter
I just want to say thank you. Thank you for having this wonderful website. In the process of writing my letter, I find 2 letters that sum up mine perfectly.
The "Dear Eric" post on Sunday, June 03, 2007 perfectly captures the feelings i hold for my ex. It was like it was written by me it's so uncanny!
Second, the "Dear Jim" letter posted Wednesday, June 06, 2007, perfectly describes the relationship i have with my current boyfriend/manfriend/Master. However, i am a woman, and my Master is a man, so change out the gender bits, and it's perfect.
It's because of my ex that i have my current relationship. My ex is a fuck that wanted me more "experienced" since i haven't dated much, and found me a "sexual trainer". not so long after that, i dump the ex, and i gain a wonderful relationship that i've JUST started to think of me deserving such wonderful treatment, over a year and half later. i hope that person that wrote the "Dear Jim" is having just at much fun and is feeling as special as i do when i'm with my special guy.
The "Dear Eric" post on Sunday, June 03, 2007 perfectly captures the feelings i hold for my ex. It was like it was written by me it's so uncanny!
Second, the "Dear Jim" letter posted Wednesday, June 06, 2007, perfectly describes the relationship i have with my current boyfriend/manfriend/Master. However, i am a woman, and my Master is a man, so change out the gender bits, and it's perfect.
It's because of my ex that i have my current relationship. My ex is a fuck that wanted me more "experienced" since i haven't dated much, and found me a "sexual trainer". not so long after that, i dump the ex, and i gain a wonderful relationship that i've JUST started to think of me deserving such wonderful treatment, over a year and half later. i hope that person that wrote the "Dear Jim" is having just at much fun and is feeling as special as i do when i'm with my special guy.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Dear Joel
It's been six years since we were eighteen years old, at college together. Amazing how time flies, isn't it? Just wanted to let you know I'm doing much better now. My hair grew back. I don't think you noticed, but it fell out shortly after I starved myself for those couple months trying to get you back. Anyway, it grew back nice and long. I'm actually fat now. Way fatter than I ever was when I was with you. When I look at pictures from our time together, I'm struck by how small I looked. But I wasn't small enough for you. That's okay, I understand. I just hope when you get married (if you aren't already),that your wife gets real big after she pops out a few of your babies.
If you're anything like your dad - real terrific guy, by the way,leaving your mom and dating an ugly 25 year old (dude, she was NASTY) - you'll follow suit and when your wife gets too old and fat, you'll probably leave her too.
But I digress. I'm doing real good, Joel. I'm doing just what I always dreamed of. You never thought I had any talent, but I'm on TV now. I doubt you have gigs five nights a week like I do. I got off the drugs I started taking after you dumped me. I can't excuse what I did, but seeing you was a knife in my heart and I wanted to stop feeling that pain. I just smoke pot now, and drink, nothing harder than that. Do you still drink? Did you ever smoke up with anyone else, or was I the first and only? And hey, when did you lose your virginity? I waited and waited and after I finally did it two years ago I wondered what all the fuss was about. What about you? Did you do it with that Asian girl you dated after me? Or did you finally get your perfect woman, your perfect skinny little Adrienne who you wanted so bad? She would make you wait to tie the knot before you could fuck her, so maybe you married her. I know I wasn't worth losing your virginity for, so who was?
Anyways, Joel, I just wanted to tell you that although you ruined my life, if you hadn't, I would never have dropped out of school to get away from you, so I never would have been in the right place at the right time to make my dreams come true. So thank you!
P.S. I still love you and I always will.
If you're anything like your dad - real terrific guy, by the way,leaving your mom and dating an ugly 25 year old (dude, she was NASTY) - you'll follow suit and when your wife gets too old and fat, you'll probably leave her too.
But I digress. I'm doing real good, Joel. I'm doing just what I always dreamed of. You never thought I had any talent, but I'm on TV now. I doubt you have gigs five nights a week like I do. I got off the drugs I started taking after you dumped me. I can't excuse what I did, but seeing you was a knife in my heart and I wanted to stop feeling that pain. I just smoke pot now, and drink, nothing harder than that. Do you still drink? Did you ever smoke up with anyone else, or was I the first and only? And hey, when did you lose your virginity? I waited and waited and after I finally did it two years ago I wondered what all the fuss was about. What about you? Did you do it with that Asian girl you dated after me? Or did you finally get your perfect woman, your perfect skinny little Adrienne who you wanted so bad? She would make you wait to tie the knot before you could fuck her, so maybe you married her. I know I wasn't worth losing your virginity for, so who was?
Anyways, Joel, I just wanted to tell you that although you ruined my life, if you hadn't, I would never have dropped out of school to get away from you, so I never would have been in the right place at the right time to make my dreams come true. So thank you!
P.S. I still love you and I always will.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Dear Bobby
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for giving me back my self-esteem. Thank you for giving me back the confidence lost years before I met you. Thank you for telling me I am beautiful.
Thank you for making me feel worth while. Thank you for laughing at me. Thank you for thinking of me, for caring about me, and for making me feel more attractive than I've felt in years...Maybe ever.
Mostly, Thank you for going back to her. She deserves your love. I would have never had the strength to walk away, and I am forever grateful that you did. I hope you are so happy.
Seeing you is bittersweet. Sad for what never was, and happy for what will be. You gave me back everything I had lost...And you are giving her unspeakable love.
We never said it. It was never appropriate. But I love you Bobby. I really love you and hope that somehow you know what you did for me.
Thank you for giving me back my self-esteem. Thank you for giving me back the confidence lost years before I met you. Thank you for telling me I am beautiful.
Thank you for making me feel worth while. Thank you for laughing at me. Thank you for thinking of me, for caring about me, and for making me feel more attractive than I've felt in years...Maybe ever.
Mostly, Thank you for going back to her. She deserves your love. I would have never had the strength to walk away, and I am forever grateful that you did. I hope you are so happy.
Seeing you is bittersweet. Sad for what never was, and happy for what will be. You gave me back everything I had lost...And you are giving her unspeakable love.
We never said it. It was never appropriate. But I love you Bobby. I really love you and hope that somehow you know what you did for me.
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