Dear Dad

It's been ten years and seven months since you died, and I don't think the pain has lessened any. I'm 20 now, Dad, and I still feel like the lost little girl who found out her Daddy was never coming back. I fell apart when you died, and it seems like I'll never be whole again. I am still so angry with you for letting drugs become more important than your daughter. I'm angry with Mom, too--the drugs and alcohol have destroyed that relationship--but you're the one who's gone. At least Mom stuck around. It kills me to think that drugs are the reason I'm completely alone and lost right now. I feel like I'm drowning, and I don't have anyone to fall back on. Do you know how hard it was for me when Mom was relapsing every weekend? Do you know how scary it was to find her passed out on the bathroom floor and feel responsible for her? Of course you don't--you weren't there. You chose Fentanyl over me. Thanks to you, I didn't get to have a childhood, and now I'm a broken adult.

Your birthday was a few weeks ago, exactly one week before mine. You would have been 50. That day, along with the anniversary of your death, are the two hardest days for me to get through every year. I miss you so much, but at the same time, I find myself gradually forgetting what your voice sounded like and what you looked like. All I have left are pictures, birthday cards, and your Air Force jacket. It's so hard knowing that I'm forgetting my dad. I leave campus on Parents' Weekend every year because it's too painful to see the other girls with their dads and knowing that I'll never have that again. The other day, I had a happy moment when I was proud of myself, and the first thought I had was to pull out my cell phone and call you. It seems so stupid now, but that split second when I felt the urge to call you was so real, and I cried because it hit me for the millionth time that I'll never talk to my dad again.

It seems ridiculous to me that I still cry over you after ten years. Shouldn't this be getting easier? I hope, wherever you are, that you've found the peace you were obviously lacking. It's hard growing up and realizing just how unhappy you were when you were alive, and it's hard coming to the realization that parents aren't perfect. I remember when I used to idolize you. I miss those days. I miss you. I love you.

Dear Dad

I'm sorry I didn't take the time to wake up like normal and say good morning. Maybe if I had you'd still be here. I'm not angry at you, but I'm sad that you're missing out on everything dads are meant to be here for. I can drive now, I've finished my first year doing law at uni and I hope you'd be proud. God I miss you. XXX.

Dear Grandma (good grandma. best grandma)

Ever since you passed away I haven't even been to a Hardees. All I can think about is when I would wake up and you would say, "Hey Lynny!" and you'd have gotten the biscuits and gravy from there.

The night you died I came and saw you. You could no longer speak. I told you I was going to graduate. I was going to go to college. I was going to follow all of my dreams, just like you would always tell me to.

Two years have gone by, and I did not graduate on time. I am currently enrolled in a Summer Program to make up my missing credit. I have applied to zero colleges. I have not taken the SAT. I wonder if I have disappointed you. I am so sorry.

You told me you wish you could've saw my play. You died two weeks before it opened. I performed that night for you. All of those nights for you. I wish you could've saw. It was my last big moment on that stage.

At your funeral I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. They would not stop playing "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong." I can't bring myself to even hear one sentence of that song anymore.

Grandma.
Frances.
You were and are the strongest woman I know.
You live on forever within me.
I believe in guardian angels because you are mine.
I miss you everyday.
I could say all the words in the world, but they would never bring you back.
I hope there is a Heaven, and I hope you're there making lasagne for everyone.
Your lasagne was always the best.
I love you.

Dear B.

Since you went to heaven 4 years ago things have changed. It wasn't that my life was great, but since then it sucks..
I have my good times. And even more bad times. I struggle with life, with food, with my self esteem, with my parents, with my sister. Well, you've probably seen it all from upstairs.. And I don't say that you made it happen, it's just that I miss you, and when you would be here
things might have been different.. We could have talked about it and it would all be gone, instead of growing bigger and bigger..

I'm just so freaking perfectionistic.. I know.. And I don't know how to change it. I feel like I failed in school, with love and with achieving what my parents want me to achieve.. Just because I'm not the best, but second best. So I try to control whatever I can, and even that fails, because I get hungry and start eating again.. nd I just want to be happy again, and stop being so freaky..

And now.. I think I'm starting to develop a crush on your brother.. I can't fall in love with him! First of all because I really don't know how to open myself up for anyone, because I'm scared all the crap will come out.. And second of all, what if he doesn't like me? It would be so awkward! And we are so totally different..

I don't know how to fix it.. I don't know how to fix myself.. And I do know that I should see a shrink to talk about my problems, but I'm afraid of what my family will say.. Let alone what your brother will think if he would find out..

I'm scared and broken..

Bye my best friend..

Dear Grandpa

When you were lying in that hospital bed, I hope you could hear me. I hope you could hear my tell you about how good Detroit was doing in the play offs. I know they have always been your favorite. I hope you could hear me telling you about little Zachary, and how big he is getting. But most of all, I hope you could hear me tell you I love you. It was the first time I had ever told you that. 16 years of my life went by, without ever telling you, or really any member of my family how much I appreciate them. I think I over used the words "I love you" to useless men, and friends who I really wouldn't notice if I never spoke to again. But to you, someone who is one of the most gentle, and giving men I have ever met, I had not ever uttered those three little words. I can still remember the time when you and grandma took me to McDonalds, and you ate all of the little crispy fries I wouldn't eat. You said they were your favorites. They are my favorites now. I meant it when I told you I loved you. I should have said a hundred times before, but at this point hoping you heard me is all I can wish. I love you Grandpa.

PS. I haven't been able to eat a Werther's carmel since you left. They just don't taste the same.