To the guy who broke my heart, again,

Why did you even bother saying anything in the first place? Did breaking my heart once not satisfy you? You had to do it again?

I know you don't mean to hurt me like this, or at least I hope you don't, but really, you just couldn't help yourself could you, knowing I was weaker than you. You make me feel like it's my fault, but it's not!! You did this to me, you gave yourself back to me, took my heart and then crushed it just when I we might actually have a chance to be together. You never even gave it a go, how can you condemn this relationship before it's even started?!
I
will get over you this time, I'm going to force myself, I will NOT be messed around again, if you ever want to speak to me again you're gonna have to prove yourself to me. I will not be weak, I'm determined this time.

Why did you call me? It felt like you were just rubbing it in! You make me so angry, at least you gave me a reason to be annoyed this time. I don't believe you'll miss me, I believe you'll miss the attention, the ego boost, the company...not me.

I hope you're hurting as much as I am, I really do. You can't keep breaking my heart just to avoid getting yourself into deep water. You're a coward, you really are. You should have ended this properly ages ago and not given me false hope. You're selfish!
See how frustrated you've made me?! I don't want to hate you but you're making it so much easier!

I hate the fact that I let you break my heart, twice, and I HATE that fact that I still want you.
Goodbye. This time I really want to mean it.

Dear You

So, are you ever going to talk to me again? I mean, after what you did, I would really appreciate an apology. There's nothing like humiliating someone and then not making an effort to talk to them for over a week. Ha. You have absolutely zero idea what hell I'VE been put through because of your horrible mistake. Wondering if you're going to be alienated from your friends is a whole bunch of fun, trust me, especially when it was never your mistake in the first place. If you never want to talk to me again, fair enough, but at least have the guts to make it final. Don't sit around thinking I'm going to make it all better and remove all the blame from you, you smug bastard. No excuses this time my friend. I'm not going to play dead.

Oh, and by the way, go fuck yourself, seeing as none of your friends will do it for you.

Dear Sara

I would like to say sorry. Sorry for having sex with your cousin in your living after the party. I have no idea what came over me, all I can really say is, I was caught up in the moment. I hope that you will never find out and I hope Him and I have a chance at this. Somehow I doubt it.

Dear Kyle

Ive had enough of you, you need to stop sending letters to her. Shes mine now, get over it, please. She still talks about you, she thinks about you quite a bit. And im jealous, im jealous of you. I hate you. I cant stand to think about you two making love, I cant stand it. I cry every time. I can see it in her eyes when she touches me, shes not thinking about me. I got so angry the last time, I was just laying there, holding her close listening to our hearts beat fast. Then I saw her tears, my heart started pounding and I hated you, because I knew she was thinking about you. I told her that it was all okay, I told her that I understood. I don't.

I know what she said to you, I know how she told you that she couldn't wait to make love to you. And this is taking so much time for her to get over you. But im waiting. But every letter you write and every word you say makes it harder and harder for her to be happy. Fuck off dude, you guys are over.

Finger on the fucking trigger.

Dear narcissistic cow

I'm not really sure what could possibly cause you to pick my ex-boyfriend that you went out with first that manipulated you, over me.

When you two were 'dating', no, I wouldn't even call it dating. Standing a courtyard holding hands ISN'T dating. When he 'broke up with you' I pretended to really care. But I didn't. He was an asshole and I hated him. When he asked me out for the billionth time, I dated him to make him shutup. The relationship lasted two weeks. He told me he loved me, and was a ridiculous, obsessive, narcisstic, skinny white boy trying to be like 50 Cent. The moment he told me he loved, all I could think about was 'What have I gotten myself into?' So I broke up with him.

Over myspace.
Because in my opinion, he didn't deserve the dignity of being broken up with in person.
Any guy that still uses 'lul' and 'omg' doesn't deserve to be broken up with in person.
Maybe shot, but they shouldn't have dignity.
He accused you of convincing me to break up with him.
And he hurt you. Again.

And then you decided that you were 'still in love with him'.
And I gave you an ultimatum: Him, or me.
You choose him.
Over one of your closest friends.
I heard from another one of your ex-boyfriends that you wanted to have sex with him.
After dating him for a week. You said he made you feel whole.
A guy that has manipulated you MANY times shouldn't make you feel whole.

You called me immature, and a bitch, and said how horrible I was for not giving your relationship with my ex-boyfriend a chance, but secretly, I'm glad that I didn't.

When he broke up with you again two weeks later; I was ecstatic.
Finally the bitch got what she deserved.

And in the end, I have my dignity, and you still wanted to have sex with him.

I don't know if you did.
I'm not really interested.

All I want is for you to feel the same kind of rejection that I felt when you picked him over me.

Dear William

From time to time I wish I had my grandmother’s ring, which, of course, makes me think of you. I never thought that a material thing could mean so much to me. I never thought I would find it hard to forgive a friend. I also never thought that a friend could be the reason I lost something that meant so much to me.

I had friends before you who were into drugs. I was able to keep my distance as to not get hurt. But who could have known you would get hooked just as I became your housemate? On one hand, it was just something stupid that happened. My drug addicted roommate took my stuff. It’s like an After School Special.

On the other hand… You – or your dealer- (I’ll never know) stole every piece of jewelry that I had that was worth anything to me. Every single piece. Do you know what was in there? Let me list it.

My grandmothers ring
My old wedding band
My class ring
An old promise ring
My mother’s watch
Diamond earrings

All these things meant something to me. Sentimental value. I had planned on making a new ring from the wedding band to remind myself to grow from my mistakes. I planned on passing my grandmother’s ring to my daughter.

I know there was more that in my jewelry box that day. The police report has it, I guess. But that’s enough, isn’t it?

It’s been a few years. Do you remember when you said your renter’s insurance would cover it? Do you remember telling me that no matter how long it took you would pay me back? I remember.

All this time, I’ve tried to figure out why I have trouble forgiving you. Maybe it’s because until you try to pay me back, I feel you cannot know what you really did. And if you don’t know what you did – how can you be sorry? How can you change?

Or maybe I am still hurt and angry because you took from me when I was at my lowest. I had nothing. I could barely buy food when I lived with you. And that is when you stole from me. Boggles my mind.

Or maybe forgiving you is like letting you off the hook. It’s like saying that it was no big deal. But it was. It is. Watch me tell my daughter when she is 16 that I have no family heirloom to give her. Be there to see my sadness. Watch her disappointment. Can you do that? No, you’ll be long gone. I’ll be a story you tell about one time when you hurt someone. Oh well, it was the drugs right? And God forgives. God healed you.

Let me tell you something I learned from all this:

Your god is not my God. My God is interested in you learning to fix your damn mistakes. He would not have you walk away from them with a shrug. My God is into teaching people to keep their word. Your god, apparently, is a pushover; a complete pussy who does not care if people’s actions match their words.

I want to forgive you, William, but I can’t. Tell me why I should.