I don't know where to begin or how to explain myself to you.
I love you.
Always have. Always will.
We have been friends for almost four years now. It has been simultaneously the most fantastic and depressing time of my life. I love spending time with you. You are one of the most gorgeous people I have ever met inside and out.
Nothing was said in the early stages of our friendship. But I think you liked me (maybe you didnt, maybe I was seeing what i wanted to), and I liked you. I have been regretting my inability to take what I want and hold onto it forever. You are what I want. I never voiced how I felt back then because you were one of my best friends' boyfriend. I loved you when you were with her. But when you broke up. I couldn't bring myself to let it all out, all my feelings, in case I hurt her. I wish I had. My friendship with her dissolved, and I am still sitting on the sideline of your life. I should have done what i had wanted, and put myself priority one.
Earlier this year, I took my chances and broke down, I cried in front of you and told you the only person I ever want to be with is you. I cried because I was so scared you would not want me, that I was not pretty enough for you, smart enough for you, or just 'the one' for you.
I was right.
You didnt want me. But I still stood by. I think I am addicted to you. Regardless of how much it pains me when you have a girlfriend, especially one who makes you happy, because I know I can never, ever be that girl for you, I still want to spend every minute of every hour of everyday with you.
You are one of the most caring, sensitive, serious and stupid, funny, random, amazing people I have ever met. I am so scared with each new girlfriend you get, that she will be the one. Because I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Unrequited love yes, but no one else will ever measure up to how you make me feel. I want to be beautiful for you. I want to be the one for you. I want to the the one you love unconditionally. But I am not.
I like you because you are funny. You can poke fun at yourself, laugh at yourself when you do stupid things, you are just comfortable with who you are, I truly admire and adore you for that. I bag on you all the time. I know. I don't know if it honestly upsets you or you really know I am joking with you. You see, if I didnt poke fun at you, i would blurt out how gorgeuos I think you are, your eyes, your strong jawline, your big arms! your great voice. If I didn't bag on you. I would have to tell you how much I love you everyday. How completely and utterly flawless you are to me, yes physically, but also in your personality. Whenever you drop me home, you don't drive away until I am in the front door, safe. You hug me and cheer me up when I am sad. Which unbeknowns to you is usually because I have a little epiphany and realise you won't ever be mine. It pains me. I can't tell you how I feel. I already have and I wasn't good enough. I will never measure up to your previous girlfriends. You have had so many and I am envious of all of them because they were on the receiving end of your affection.... But they didn't realise how lucky they were to be with you. They were all prettier than me. They always will be. Because they are like you. The beautiful people. I, on the otherhand am not one of them. I am that girl that hangs out with the boys. Not because I want to be one of the boys. I want to be WITH one of the boys.
You know what else? When I was still at school I would cry myself to sleep. Not because you were ever horrible or nasty to me. But because you were so amazing to me and I just knew deep down that I never had a chance to be a piece of your life that was irreplaceable. I don't cry about you anymore. I don't have any tears left. I try to accept that you do not want me. But it is so hard. You have no idea. You have always had the girls you want. Always been pursued by someone. I have not. I do not get attention from the boys, I am not one of the pretty little girls the boys want. I am a mate, I muck around with the boys and no one, not even you sees me as I am, a girl, I spose a woman now. I have never been with anyone, because I feared that if I took the plunge, you might miraculously decide you wanted me. So I have always been single. Because even when there is someone else. I cannot stop thinking about you and wishing he was you.
I have told my friends I am over you. That I can't see myself with you. I told them that so they wouldn't hate you, they think you did the wrong thing by me. By leaving it a week before telling me 'it would be weird' to be with me, a whole agonising week where I foolishly convinced myself you would say you wanted me, you always have, and it would work out like it does in the movies, or like it has for my friends. They don't really understand how I feel because they have boyfriends. They have been sought after and ultimately they are with someone they want to be with.
I would throw away everything to be with you. I truly believe I could spend the rest of my life with you and be happy. I wouldn't care if we had no money, or friends, or anything, just the fact I knew you wanted to be by my side for the rest of your life would be enough for me.
I don't understand our relationship fully. We are not just friends, but we are not a couple, we are some awkward stage in between. We have never kissed, or slept together. But you hug me. You hold my hand when we watch a movie at your house. You make me happy.
I am moving away next year for university. For the next chapter in my life. You know what scares me the most? That I will leave, and you will forget about me. You will find another girlfriend who you will be with and eventually marry. And that I won't be able to see you, or look at you everyday like I have been this year. That's why I watch you when we are habging out, or at work. I admire you. Your face, your thoughts, your jokes. I don't need words when I spend time with you because you are enough to make me happy.
I want to be yours forever.
I am not whole without you.
I have fun with you.
You make me happy.
I love you infinitely.
I always will.
