Ok, so writing stupid letters to you, that you'll never actually read somehow make me feel better about all this.
I told you how i felt for the 2nd time. you didnt exactly throw it back in my face. But it was a total cop out. you gave me the 'friends mean more to me than girlfriends' line, which is a load of shit. if friends were enough you'd be single, wouldnt you? ok you want to just be friends, but that is a lot harder for me than you. i mean you've gone a whole year disregarding my feelings and screwing who you want, being with who you want, and trying to hide it so as to not hurt me. well fuck that. i want the truth.
i just hate that you can go on leading a normal life, meeting girls, hooking up and not caring. whereas i dont do that with guys. im too scared i'd hurt you like you've hurt me.
honestly, i think its because you think im not 'hot' enough to be with you. christ, its so fucked up, explain to me why i started this whole new exercise thing? i mean, i will never look like her, but i do it anyway, in the slight hope and chance that you'll actually notice me as a girl one day and think that i am pretty enough to be with you. and you know wats worse? in 10 fucking years if you wanted to be with me. i think i'd drop everything for you. thats wat this year has been like. and high school, ive missed out on all these things because ive been so adamant that we could go somewhere.
you say just mates, but then you blur the line, there can be grey, if this friends thing is going to work, its the straight and narrow, black and white, we cant confuse our feelings otherwise thats just taking steps back. so last night, you turned up at my house drunk, i was pretty drunk too. you fell asleep in my bed, i slept next to you. i didnt want to have sex with you. i just wanted to be next to you. you said you wanted to kiss me. so why didnt you? if you're not going to dont tell me you want to. you cant blur the line like that.
you didnt stay all night. you left before the morning, said you were going home. i know where you where going and i know why you wanted to go to her place. that broke me.
ive learnt to be by myself, hence why i am so defensive when someone shows me affection, im waiting for the punchline, you know, likes it all a big joke. you are totally different, you crave attention and you love girls chasing after you and doting on you. unfortunately i am one of those girls because im scared that if im not, you'll fill the void with someon else and i will lose contact with you altogether.
mayeb you going overseas next year and me going to uni is a good thing, maybe not being near you will let me experience everything i have missed out on because i have waited patiently for 4 years for you to tell me wat ive always wanted to hear. i just dont want to let go of you.
i have this front with everyone, like i am tough and dont need affection or anything like that. but i do need it. and i act like i hate 'mushy' stuff. but im a hopeless romantic, why the fuck else have a been waiting for 4 years for you?
yeah, i dont know either.
i just want to say 'get fucked' and 'i love you' at the same time to you.
thats honestly how i feel, i cant cry about you anymore. i have accepted that i am not in your 'league' so to speak, i have accepted that i'll never have you and that for the rest of my life i will be unhappy and unfulfilled, because i found the one person i could spend the rest of my life with, but wasn't good enough for you.
i had a dream the other night, i married some guy who wasn't you. i couldnt breath properly, i had the most horrible feeling, it felt so real, he married me because he loved me. i married him because i didnt snag you. i never want to be that girl. so it looks like i'll be alone for the rest of my life. because i cant let go of you. mayb if we tried it, tried being together so i knew if it didnt work. but because we haven't there's still this hope i have.
like that quote you like - "you miss 100% of the shots you dont take"
we're missing out on what could be our future because we (mostly you) arent willing to take the plunge.
i kind of resent you for that.
but i still love you always.
